THE BUNKER (2001)

The Bunker? More like The Clunker!

Germany, 1944. A small group of Nazi soldiers with British accents hole up in a forest bunker and proceed to spend the rest of the movie arguing with each other. Yawn. I’m sure there’s a story somewhere in this mess, but within 10 minutes I straight-up didn’t give a single fuck about anybody in this movie. Why? Cause they're all Nazi soldiers! What am I supposed to have some sort of empathy for them or something? They’re fucking Nazis! Looking at the DVD cover, you see Nazi skeletons with guns, so you’re thinking it gonna be some sorta DEAD SNOW situation (preferably Part 2, since it was better), but no. There’s literally zero connection with the cover to actual reality. Ninety percent of the movie is a group of sweaty Nazis in dank tunnels yelling at each other. Fuck ‘em all. It’d be one thing if some zombies started ripping them to shreds, but no, there’s no zombies at all. I have no fucking clue what that cover art is even referring to! I don't even understand how this is considered a horror movie.

All male cast (with a few familiar faces), boring sets, boring forest, muted colours, dim lighting, zero action, zero zombies, zero blood, shit ending. Skip this entire thing with a vengeance. It's not even worth watching for free. I’ve farted better scripts than this.

There is one ray of sunshine though: the appearance of Andrew Tiernan made me remember how perfect he was in Midsomer Murders episode “Picture of Innocence” (S10.E6) where he played an annoying douche who starts a feud between people who like digital cameras and people who like film cameras. Hahaha. Fuck, that’s such a great episode!

H (2002)

There’s a new copycat killer in town. Meow! So instead of assigning a team of professional homicide detectives to the case, the local police put together a team of highly emotional chain smokers. At the same time, the original murderer sits on death row acting like a smug douche.

I’m always interested in finding new films and artistic visions, but honestly, I would have probably been better off watching two old episodes of Dexter than wasting my time on H. Although I did get a chuckle out of the one cop who encounters two other cars on the road so he drives his whip straight into a pole. That was funny. As far as serious entertainment goes, H is a total bust. The entire story is lifted from numerous other serial killer cop thrillers and the big payoff at the end is dumb as hell.

Okay acting, shit script, meddling pace, damn near worthless detective investigation, lots of smoking, emotional outbursts left and right, zero thrillers, a little bit of blood, zero time travel, zero likable characters, zero cheerleaders, one detective who falls down at least three different times. I somehow managed to stay awake for the entire film, but afterward I wished I had taken a nap instead.

Skip it with a vengeance.

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Oh shit. I was going through my stuff after I wrote the review above and discovered I reviewed this movie elsewhere back in 2005. Here is the full review, totally unedited. (I did add in the links to older reviews.) It's okay:

Along came a stinker.

Anybody who falls for the cover blurb "SEVEN meets SILENCE OF THE LAMBS" is gonna be disappointed...kinda like me.

Nicely filmed and that's about it H is the clunky, unexciting tale of a copycat serial killer who's reenacting the grisly murders of another killer who was arrested 10 months earlier. Very interesting idea.

Now enter the world's most inept cops. First you got Kang who in every single scene freaks out in some way and either kicks something, breathes heavy, screams, wrecks his car or all of the above. His partner, Kim, has a haircut like Mia Farrow in ROSEMARY'S BABY and the personality of the wooden Indian in CREEPSHOW 2. She also likes to disrupt crime scenes, stare blankly and punch or shoot Kang.

I wanted to like the film. I was all excited and happy for about the first minute and forty seconds then Kang showed up and it all went downhill from there. On the bright side I did learn that if I ever want to head up a surprise raid on a serial killer's house to NOT land a helicopter in his front yard first.

OCEAN'S ELEVEN (2001)

A professional criminal, Danny Ocean (George Clooney), comes up with an idea to simultaneously rob three large casinos in Las Vegas of around 150 million dollars in cold hard cash money duckets cheddar. Naturally, in order to do this, he will need ten of his trendiest and dorkiest friends. You got the one guy with the computers and the other guy who’s good at the thing and the one guy with perhaps the most distractingly bad British accent in movie history. You catch what me drippin', guvna? Oh yeah, the casinos are all owned by the guy (Andy Garcia) who is now long-dicking Ocean’s ex-wife, Julia Roberts. Imagine that.

Every time I sit down to watch OCEAN’S ELEVEN I end up watching part 2 and 3 also. I think my handsome brain just sees all three of them as one singular six-hour movie. The entire series really is super enjoyable junk food for the brain. Solid acting by the entire cast, a goofy story that’s about as believable as the Book of Genesis, not as many location shots of Las Vegas as I wanted, zero nudity, zero cheerleaders, two bumbling Oceaners who bicker back and forth so much that you wanna bash their skulls together like in HELLRAISER: BLOODLINES, a two-hour runtime that flies by and leaves you wanting more, lots of goofy dialogue that super fun to laugh at, confident direction.

As far as dude-centric, early 2000's American heist films go, OCEAN'S ELEVEN is one of the better ones. It's a good comfort movie to have playing in the background. I wish the people behind the movie would edit together a six-hour supercut of all three films. That way when you're playing it you don't have to flip over to the next film.

Original - Ocean's 11 (1960)
Part 2 - Ocean's Twelve (2004)
Part 3 - Ocean's Thirteen (2007)
Spin-off - Ocean's Eight (2018)