Sunday, March 31, 2013


Oh joy of joys! We finally get to see Bella in true vampire form doing vampire stuff.  Was it as awesome?  Hell yeah!  Was there tons of cheesy dialogue?  You know it, homie.

After what seemed like the longest opening credits of all time, we finally get to see Bella the vampire.  New born Bella can't be trusted yet to be around her half-human child, so she goes out and wrestles a mountain lion and feeds.  Afterwards, she sees her baby, Renesmee, and learns that werewolf Jacob has "imprinted" on the baby which is some kind of weird werewolf soul mate arranged marriage kind of thing.  Sounds really fucking weird and probably illegal in every state except Mississippi.  Anyway, the assholes over at the Volturi find out about Renesmee and mistakenly think that she's an "immortal child" and therefore all of the Cullens clan have to die.  The rest of the film is just build up to the massive vampire vs. vampires with superpower vs. werewolves superbrawl at the end.  All I'm gonna say is there were a lot of heads getting ripped off.

I'm really quite sad to see this series come to an end, since I got so much enjoyment and laughs out of it.  But, oh well, here's hoping there's a spinoff somewhere down the line.  I'm still holding my breath for an Alice only film.

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 3 - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

Saturday, March 30, 2013

GONE (2012)

Awhile back Amanda Seyfried was abducted out of her bed by some unidentified kidnapper dude and held in the middle of the woods in a hole with the bodies of previous victims.  She managed to escape, but for whatever reason the police were unable to find any evidence to back up her story.  People start to think she might be a little bit unhinged so she's placed in a mental facility.  Fast-forward to the opening of the film and now Amanda lives with her older sister.  Somehow (and this is the most mysterious part of the movie) Amanda is able to hike around the forest all day looking for the murder hole and then work the overnight shift waitressing at a diner.  When does she sleep?!

So now one night after work she gets home to find her sister gone...GONE!  You would think that after the first kidnapping she would have invested in a home security system or a dog, but no that makes too much sense.  She goes to the police, but they don't give a fuck, so she takes the law into her own hands and turns this mother upside down looking for her sister.

As far as illogical thrillers go GONE is pretty average, but still an enjoyable watch mainly thinks to Amanda Seyfried.  The pace is fairly quick, so even if the story is completely unbelievable you really never get a chance to get bored.  With zero nudity, zero blood, zero gore and very little cussing GONE is pretty much just a fancy looking TV movie, but still worth a watch on a rainy afternoon.  Oh, yeah the film also co-stars Wes Bentley and Dexter's sister, but neither one have more than just a bit role.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

GO (1999)

"You're going to die."

GO must be one of the most 90's movies of all-time.  The clothes, the music, the hair, the attitude.  Everything about this movie screams "Nineties as fuck!!!".  GO tells three different versions (and the consequences) of a drug deal gone bad and the people involved.  Without going into all the details: some dudes come into a grocery story to set up a drug deal.  Their normal supplier is off partying in Vegas so another cashier, looking for a quick buck, sets up the buy, but it doesn't go as smoothly as she expected.

The basic story idea is pretty basic, but what makes GO so much fun (and such a joy to revisit over and over) is the characters.  There's quite a few main characters (like a dozen) and everyone of them is unique and interesting.  That's no small feat, since I can't even tell you how many horrible films I've sat through that didn't even have one interesting character!

Fast pace, smart script, young Katie Holmes, young Sarah Polley, young Timothy Olyphant, fun 90's music, lots of quotable lines, tantra sex and "...the Family fucking Circus, bottom right-hand corner, just waiting to suck."

I love this movie.  Highly recommended.