BREAKING DAWN - PART 2 (2012)

Oh joy of joys! We finally get to see Bella in true vampire form doing vampire stuff.  Was it as awesome?  Hell yeah!  Was there tons of cheesy dialogue?  You know it, homie.

After what seemed like the longest opening credits of all time, we finally get to see Bella the vampire.  New born Bella can't be trusted yet to be around her half-human child, so she goes out and wrestles a mountain lion and feeds.  Afterwards, she sees her baby, Renesmee, and learns that werewolf Jacob has "imprinted" on the baby which is some kind of weird werewolf soul mate arranged marriage kind of thing.  Sounds really fucking weird and probably illegal in every state except Mississippi.  Anyway, the assholes over at the Volturi find out about Renesmee and mistakenly think that she's an "immortal child" and therefore all of the Cullens clan have to die.  The rest of the film is just build up to the massive vampire vs. vampires with superpower vs. werewolves superbrawl at the end.  All I'm gonna say is there were a lot of heads getting ripped off.

I'm really quite sad to see this series come to an end, since I got so much enjoyment and laughs out of it.  But, oh well, here's hoping there's a spinoff somewhere down the line.  I'm still holding my breath for an Alice only film.

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 3 - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

BREAKING DAWN - PART 1 (2011)

Ahhh yeah. My favorite comedy series about super moody vampires is back! Was it worth the wait? Yes. Was it as awesome as I had hoped? Yes. Was there tons of brooding? Yes. Fighting? Not really. Unicorns? No. Moonshine running? No. Cockblocking? Yes. A crying werewolf? Yes.  Alice getting naked?  Nooooo!!!!!

The film opens with Edward and Bella getting married (finally!!!) and on their wedding night The Beast With Two Backs shows up and as we all learned from Season 6 of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": vampires are dynamite in the sack! Edward didn't just wreck the shit out of the bed, he torn that pussy up too. Before you can say "Gimme some of dat vampire jizz and put some stank on it!" Bella is pregnant with some kind of mysterious creature that's killing her from the inside out! Holy fook!

Naturally, the werewolf clan doesn't look kindly on this abomination and they want to kill the baby. Even more naturally, Jacob mopes around non-stop while being a whiny, cockblocking Beta! Ohhh, I hate him so much! Will Bella live? What the f is inside her? Can Edward possibly get more dreamy? Could Alice's smile be any cuter? Will I laugh so hard my sides still hurt the next day?  Will they ever make an Alice spinoff series?! Will there be a cliffhanger ending that makes me yell "What the fuck? Nooooo!!!!!" and shake my handsome fist at my TV? You're gonna have to watch it yourself to find out!

I'm not sure how I'm going to make it another year.

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 3 - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)