THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG (1975)

Set back in the Old West days, THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG is about a traveling gambler (Bill Bixby) who inadvertently gets saddled with three annoying punk kids. I hate them. And everybody in town hates them also. That is…until the kids discover a huge chunk of gold! Now suddenly everybody wants to adopt these annoying (and wealthy) fucks. At the same time, two bumbling idiots (Don Knotts and Tim Conway) devise several goofy ideas to steal the gold.

Tim Conway and Don Knotts are by far the best part of the movie. Their stupid shenanigans are kinda funny, but not really. When they were on screen, I was amused. When they weren’t, I was not amused and struggled to pay attention to the run-of-the-mill story.

So, should you watch these apple dumpling motherfuckers? Ehhh. If you were born after 1980, then probably not. It’s pretty dated. But for fans of older cinema, it was a treat to see so many familiar faces like Slim Pickens, Harry Morgan, Susan Clark and John McGiver hamming it up in a light-hearted kids movie. Medium pace, a few mildly funny jokes, simple story. THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG is an okay lazy afternoon time-waster. But, if you’re looking for some classic Conway-Knotts hijinks then check out THE PRIVATE EYES. I’ve seen that fucker like 50 times and I still crack up at the bullshit they get up to in that movie. “She’s gone! She’s gooooonnne!!!”

Part 2 - The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979)

IN SEARCH OF NOAH'S ARK (1976)

Not to be confused with In Search of Han Solo’s Millennium Falcon or In Search of Captain Ahab’s Pequod, IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK is the serious (I…think?) documentary about the real life search for a fictional ship. Serious or not, is IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK a good film? Yeah, it was highly entertaining.

Things start out with some dude who kinda looks like a Muppet dressed up as a human telling us that “This may be the most incredible film you will ever see.” And I’m like holy shit, that’s a pretty big claim! After that, he starts talking about the story of Noah from the Bible. Quick version is, this dude long, long ago hears a voice telling him to make a big ass boat, then stick two of every critter on Earth on the boat (did that include non-saltwater fish critters?) and wait for a flood to cover the entire planet. He does and the flood comes and then like a few months later, the flooding recedes and the boat comes to rest on what would later be called Mount Ararat (in modern day Turkey). After that, his son has sex with his own mother, a.k.a. Noah’s wife. Whoops! Sorry, went too far. The Muppet guy stops the story before the sex part. So anyway, the rest of the film is the dude talking to various people about stories they’ve heard about the location of Noah’s Ark and various experts telling us that the story of the great flood is totally true or might be. No real substantial proof of anything is ever shown, but that just makes the film even more enjoyable. I especially enjoyed the story about the group of “atheists” physically attacking the wreckage of Noah’s Ark. That was awesome! Somebody should make a horror movie about atheists going to attack Noah’s Ark and accidentally waking up an ancient pre-flood critter with nasty, big, pointy teeth. I also like the part where the host calls the story of Noah “The greatest story in the Bible”. You’d think the story of Creation or even Jesus’ death / resurrection would probably be a little more important, but what do I know.

Anyway…quick pace, good editing, funny stories, awesome host (who would later go on to do a fantastic job as the voice on THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 and its awesome trailer), a dude in the credits who has nine (yes, nine) titles next to his name (somebody should make a documentary about that guy!), multiple grainy as fuck pictures that didn’t prove anything.

IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK might not have been “the most incredible film” I’ve ever seen, but it was a fun watch and I would totally watch it again. Check it out. If you need me, I’ll be in my room researching some stuff for the sequel I'm writing, In Search of Noah’s Ark 2: In Search of the Tent Where Ham Banged Noah’s Wife.

Fun fact: according to different box office history websites, IN SEARCH OF NOAH’S ARK made a motherfucking ark-load of money upon its initial release back in 1976. Like enough to be in the Top 10 money makers of the year. Right up there with THE OMEN and the third Dirty Harry film! I would absolutely love to see a well-made documentary about the phenomenon around this film.