Sunday, August 21, 2022


For those of you who don't know, the Ten Commandments are ten rules listed in the Christian Bible that it says humans should live by.  A few of them make sense like "Thou shalt not kill." (yeah, no shit!) and "Thou shalt not commit adultery.", but others like "...the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates..." are just silly.

Anyway, although the title of the film is THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, there's actually very little Commandments action going on.  Nope, the vast majority of the movie is about a dude named Moses.  Moses was born in Egypt way the fuck back in the day.  Around the time that he's hatched there was a prophecy that a great deliverer would be born to lead the slaves out of bondage.  So, the guy who owned all of slaves, the evil Pharaoh puts out a decree that all newborn male slave children shall be murdered.  Goddamn!  Moses' mother places lil' baby Moses in a basket and sends him afloat down the Nile river.  As Fate would have it, within one minute of being yeeted into the Nile, the evil Pharaoh's adult daughter (of all people) finds Moses and raises him as her own child.  Awww.  The End.

Oh sorry, that's actually just the beginning of the film!  Moses soon grows up to look like Charlton Heston and it's down to him and the Pharaoh's legitimate son, Yul Brynner, as to who will take over once the Pharaoh dies.  Things are looking pretty good for Moses, but then he fucks up and before you can say "I really wish Twenty One Pilots would cover Phil Collins' 'One More Night'" Moses is now a slave himself!  What the fuck?  Talk about a rags to riches and back to rags again story.

For being an older film THE TEN COMMANDMENTS is still very entertaining.  Yeah, it's as historically accurate as DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?, but who cares.  Solid acting by an impressive cast (I think Anne Baxter is the highlight of the movie), great sets, an insanely huge amount of extras, animals all over the place, wildly imaginative story, badass costumes, strong direction, groundbreaking special effects and a quick pace that makes the 220 minute runtime fly by.  I've seen TTC a few times over the years and I'd gladly watch it again right now.  My only real gripe is the ten plagues of Egypt stuff is passed over way too quickly.  It shows a little bit about water turning into blood and the hail storm, but it completely skips over the frogs and boils and locust!  Lame.  Still, it's easily worth multiple watches.  Check it out.

Monday, August 8, 2022


Of the 666 or so horror anthologies made back in the day, CREEPSHOW is probably the most well-known and the most entertaining.  Is it also the best?  I would think so since the majority of them were just "Bleh!"  Anyway, horror legends George Romero and Stephen King got together to make a light-hearted horror anthology as a homage to the EC horror comics from the 1950's and it works thanks to a quick pace, dope special effects and a seriously impressive cast.

Father's Day

A small but wealthy family gathers together for their annual dinner and bitchfest.  They leisurely sit around smoking and drinking while recounting old stories.  Like the one where Great Aunt Bedelia beats her father to death with a marble ashtray.  Maybe next year they can tell the story about how father came back from the dead and started fucking people up. 

The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill

To me this is the highlight of the movie simply because I love watching Stephen King's hilarious overacting as a backwoods lunkhead who sees a meteorite crash near his shack.  He rushes over to the crater and has a daydream about selling the meteor to the local college's "Department of Meteors" for two-hundred bucks.  Then he gets some "meteor shit" on him and his dream turns into a nightmare.

Something to Tide You Over

Another great story.  This time around Ted Danson and Gaylen Ross get on the wrong side of Leslie Neilson and end up acting out a pre-THE VANISHING (1988 version) roleplay on a beach.  You'll never look THE NAKED GUN the same ever again.

The Crate

The Crate is truly the highlight of the entire movie.  Not only is it straight-up unnerving and scary, but the acting is outstanding!  I'm not going to ruin it by giving away the story.  Let's just say some people at an old university find a crate hidden away under a staircase and it was hidden for a reason!  Great acting, great pacing, great character development, great lighting, great special effects...The Crate is fucking swell.

They're Creeping Up on You!

I have some mixed feelings on this one.  Not because it's bad, no it's an excellent story, but it's too goddamn icky for me to enjoy.  I still watch it anytime CREEPSHOW is on, but I usually have my handsome face scrunched up like a Taco Bell-eating billy goat just blasted thirteen dry-wet farts right up my handsome nostrils. E. G. Marshall did a really good job in this segment.

The five stories are bookended by a short prologue and epilogue featuring a father talking mad shit to his young son about how horror comics are a bunch of "horror crap".  He throws away the comic, but the boy soon gets his revenge for his dad being such a pain in the neck.

Yeah, CREEPSHOW is old as fuck, but it's still enjoyable.  Honestly, the only standout thing that I would change is a wider shot when garbage collector Tom Savini throws that metal trashcan. Looks like he got some serious air on it.

Part 2 - Creepshow 2 (1987)
Part 3 - Creepshow 3 (2006)