X-CROSS (2005)

Two young women (one attractive, one ehh) go to a hot springs resort village for a relaxing weekend. The first clue that the trip was probably a mistake would be the mutilated, mummified corpses hanging on crosses along the side of the road. Clue #2 would be the fact that all of the villagers limp badly. Clue #3: all the limping villagers immediately try and chop your left leg off!

I'm guessing that X-CROSS was suppose to be a horror-comedy(?). I have no clue, since there's no real horror or actual comedy.  Instead it's just two chicks running around in the dark while a third chick shows up to kill the sluttier chick for stealing her ex-boyfriend. What the hell? Anyway, so yeah, that's about it. Lots of running around, a shitload of people talking on their cell phones nonstop even while being attacked and probably 10 jokes total, including some real knee-slappers like: one chick falling over in a portable toilet and then when she comes out all covered in piss she says "Now I'm pissed."

Zero tits, no gore, very little blood, very predictable story with no scares at all. Skip this movie. If a movie is trying to be a horror-comedy then it needs to go over the top like DEAD ALIVE or EVIL DEAD 2. Don't just have two chicks with zero personality running around in the woods talking on their cell phones and texting while be chased by non-scary cripples!

INSEMINOID (1981)

This movie sucked.

A team of scientists are exploring a distant alien planet when they discover a ancient tomb, they poke around and somehow awaken a creature that kills a dude then rapes an ugly chick. Once back at the lab, the ugly chick goes batshit and starts killing everybody in very boring ways. Yawn.

I don't want to give too much away (just in case your bored enough to watch this turkey), but whatever happened to the creature that raped the chick? Also if it's -145 degrees outside why does blood splatter and how come it doesn't even look cold outside? I'm a idiot for even worrying about things like that. For Satan's sake later on when the crazy lady flips over a computer control station it falls apart and you can see the entire thing is just painted wood with nothing inside it. Fuck this movie. Very boring and not even good for a laugh. If you want to see an ALIEN rip off you'd be better off watching CREATURE.

Maybe I'll revisit this film in a few years when I'm in a better mood.

What the inside of a station on an alien planet might look like.

What an alien penis might look like.

SHE'S ON DUTY (2005)

A pig (who looks like she's 30) goes undercover at a high school to get close to a gangster dude's 17-year-old daughter. That's an excellent idea for a movie and there are a few light-hearted laughs early on, but then during the second part of the movie the comedy goes right out the window and the movie turns serious. I didn't like it. The main problem for me is the woman who plays the undercover student looks way too old! Somebody please remake this movie with an intelligent, funny script and a hot chick as the student.

Skip it.

HANGING GARDEN (2005)

This movie is pretty slow, but I think it has something to do with a woman who had a bad childhood so she ends up creating a perfect family where they don't hold any secrets...except of course they do. The dad is skipping work and cheating on his wife nonstop and jacking off in the bathroom to porn magazines, the daughter is skipping school and exploring her sexuality and the son has pretty much shut himself away in his room where he's creating his own private fantasy world on his computer.

I love the idea for the movie and the style is very interesting, but it just beat around the bush way too much and tried too hard to be mysterious without ever giving the viewer a payoff. I can't recommend it. If it had went ahead and pushed the envelope a little like Miike's VISITOR Q or Sono's NORIKO'S DINNER TABLE then things would be different, but as it is HANGING GARDEN never goes anywhere interesting or engaging. Please don't think it's a bad movie, just average and not worth wasting two hours on.

That's the wildest wallpaper ever!

THE HIGH AND THE MIGHTY (1954)

"So long, you ancient pelican."

In the first scene we learn that John Wayne is the World's Greatest Pilot...until he accidentally kills his wife and kid in a plane wreck.  D'oh! Then we're painfully introduced to all of the passengers.  It's awesome. You got the old slut, the dorky couple, the super-in-love newlyweds, the drunk scientist and a bunch more.  They're all great.  After an eternity, the plane takes off from Hawaii to California.  Many minutes of wonderfully painful overly sentimental back stories are then told about all of the passengers until you just want vomit with glee.  I loved every cheesy second of it.  Suddenly, one of the engines explodes and punctures a gas tank! Do they have enough fuel to make it to land or are they gonna have to ditch it in the drink?!

Maybe this was considered serious stuff back in 1954, but it hasn't aged well at all. Let me give you an example: right before the engine conks out, Sidney Blackmer stands up in front of everybody and confronts another man about banging his wife, he then pulls out a gun and threatens to kill the other dude! One of the passengers (John Qualen) jumps Blackmer and disarms him. A little while later he apologizes to Qualen, so he gives his gun back!

If you like campy films as much as I do then you should watch THE HIGH AND THE MIGHTY. It's a blast!   Six Academy Award nominations and one win (Best Music, Scoring of a Dramatic or Comedy Picture - Dimitri Tiomkin), a 147-minute runtime that flies by, seriously impressive cast and crew that you could research for hours, one of Pedro Gonzalez Gonzalez's first film roles, amazingly painful dialogue that I love, John Wayne as a Producer, Wally Brown looking a lot like Wallace Ford (at least to me). 

Also, I'm no film historian, but I'm pretty sure that this film, the AIRPORT films and ZERO HOUR! were the main inspirations for AIRPLANE!

I guess they spelled "missile" differently back in 1954.