SANTA JAWS (2018)

For Christmas a teenage boy gets an ink pen that will (unknowingly to him) bring anything drawn with it to life. He draws a shark wearing a Santa hat. The next morning, the Santa shark eats the kids grandpa while they’re out fishing. Instead of calling 911, the kid tells his parents who tell him to stop lying and take away his phone. After that, the rest of the movie is just the kid and his dorky friends (and eventually his family) fighting the shark and never once calling the police even as they all die one by one. Fin.

As far as Christmas stories go, SANTA JAWS is more believable and less depressing than the Biblical Nativity Story, so it does have that going for it, but unfortunately, while the story also shows a few glimpses of imagination…the execution is fucking abysmal. Horrible dialogue, bland scenery and sets, Satanawful look to the entire thing (is that because it’s shot on a digital camera or something? Why do you look like such ass, bro?), literally not one single person on screen that isn’t part of the story…no cars driving by or people simply walking in the background, middle school play-level acting, zero nudity, zero gore, zero cheerleaders, ugly clothing, an ending that goes on for way too long, weak as hell special effects, multiple bad puns and jokes that kinda make me believe this might have been a comedy.

Comedy or not, SANTA JAWS is an amusing watch, if you’re into this kind of thing. Overall, it sucked, but I did enjoy it and have no regrets in watching it. Although I doubt I'll ever watch it again...unless I decide to explore just how shitty the subtitles are on the DVD. Jesus wept.

[Not part of the review: I’m very fascinated by this entire type of movie. Not killer animal movies, but this budget range of film that is obviously not going to be a masterpiece but somehow marketed well enough to make its money back. It’s endlessly fascinating. I really wish I knew more about it. If there isn’t already, somebody should make a documentary about it. I just love how there seems to be an endless supply of these weird, nothing movies. Then again, maybe I’m not real and I’m just dreaming all of this up as I slowly decay.]

[This really has nothing to do with the review, but on the IMDb page for SANTA JAWS it says there is a "Goof" where "During the fishing scene with Papa and Cody, Cody is holding his rod upside down." I including a shot of Cody fishing with his grandpa and the fishing pole is being held just like the grandpas. With the line roller thing on the bottom. There are two shots of Cody's rod (insert low effort penis joke here) in this scene and they both look like the screenshot included below.]

The subtitles on this DVD are nearly worthless. In this scene, the actor clearly says “Ho, ho, ho. You son of a fish.” and this is what the subtitles say.

MYSTERY 101: PLAYING DEAD (2019)

If anybody out there is making a list of movies where the opening scene is the worst scene of the movie, then go ahead and add MYSTERY 101: PLAYING DEAD to your list. A small town, off-duty cop is out jogging at 5:23 in the morning when she notices the front door to a drug store has all the glass blown outward across the sidewalk. So, being a genius, she doesn’t call for back-up or even have a weapon and enters the darkened store where she is almost immediately bashed over the head with a baseball bat and left for dead.

After that eye-rolling disaster of an opening scene M101:PD gets things into gear and ends up being a delightful and totally enjoyable film. And a nice step up from the original film. The main characters are already established so more time can be spent on the mystery itself. This time around, our hero, Professor Winslow, is working as a literary advisor for a local playhouse during their production of a murder mystery. So, kinda like how there is always mystery and intrigue around Father Brown, it seems that murder also follows Professor Winslow. Crimes happen and before you can say “One of the greatest loses in human history was that Eric Lynch and Rich Piana never met.”, somebody ends up dead and Proffy Slow and that handsome homicide detective with the hideous jacket are teamed up once again. It’s awesome.

Solid pace, better acting than in the first film, that one dude from that one Christmas movie I reviewed recently, a very pretty town, a good mystery with interesting suspects, the same people walking down the same sidewalk as in the first film, a reference to a certain Dashiell Hammett novel (which would explain the Nick and Nora Charles vibes throughout the entire film), more coffee drinking, zero gore, zero nudity, zero cheerleaders.

I doubt that MYSTERY 101: PLAYING DEAD will change your life or anything, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked that the two main characters were more playful this time around. It was cute.

Part 1 - Mystery 101 (2019)
Part 3 - Mystery 101: Words Can Kill (2019)
Part 4 - Mystery 101: Dead Talk (2019)
Part 5 - Mystery 101: An Education in Murder (2020)
Part 6 - Mystery 101: Killer Timing (2021)
Part 7 - Mystery 101: Deadly History (2021)

MYSTERY 101 (2019)

Midsomer Murders it’s not. After opening with an extremely weak murder, we’re introduced to English literature professor Amy Winslow (played by Jill Wagner). One of Professor Winslow’s students is worried about her missing boyfriend, so, being a caring soul, the professor decides to help the student. At the same time, a new (handsome) homicide detective is brought onto the local small town police force and his partner happens to be one of Professor Winslow’s past students. I’m sure we can see where this is going. That’s right, Professor Winslow gets a bad case of the wonky britches when a dead body is discovered at the bottom of a cliff, but then she gets a bad case of the moist britches when she’s teamed up (as a consultant) with the handsome new detective. Father Brown it’s not.

As far as mysteries go, MYSTERY 101 is pretty weak and you’d have to be a goddamn moron to not figure out the killer within the first act. That said, I still enjoyed it and look forward to watching more of the series. I mean hell, I’m on like my 7th or 8th Depression-fueled run of Midsomer Murders, so I need something new to watch. At least once.

Okay acting, zero nudity, pretty looking scenery and a cute town, yet another Hallmark movie with a dude wearing a horrible jacket, no real ups or downs, one odd transitional moment around 28:37 (on the DVD) that made it seem like a scene was missing, an interesting cast (including the vice principal from SUMMER SCHOOL as Amy’s dad), good pace that kept the story moving forward, zero gore, zero tension, multiple scenes of people drinking coffee.

I don't know, I probably have more to say but I'm too depressed to figure out what it is. I think I'm going to go take a nap for a thousand years.

Part 2 - Mystery 101: Playing Dead (2019)
Part 3 - Mystery 101: Words Can Kill (2019)
Part 4 - Mystery 101: Dead Talk (2019)
Part 5 - Mystery 101: An Education in Murder (2020)
Part 6 - Mystery 101: Killer Timing (2021)
Part 7 - Mystery 101: Deadly History (2021)