CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN (2017)

Northern Vermont (“So far north that on clear days, you might be able to see the north pole…”) small town veterinarian, Allie, has been in a long-distance relationship with Washington, D.C. dude, Spencer, for a few years now. But things are about to change cuz Allie is about to bust out of this dump and move to D.C. to get that dick on tap 24/7! Fuck yeah! The End. Merry Christmas, motherfuckers! Feliz Navijizz, you know what I’m sayin’?

But nope, the film gods have a GROUNDHOG DAY-style romantic cockblockin’ in store for Allie in the form of a handsome widower doctor and his annoying, I mean, adorable daughter. On the day that Allie is supposed to leave the picturesque town of Evergreen, her three hundred year old, bucket of bolts, rattle trap, piece of shit truck won’t start…at the exact same moment the beau hunk handsome doctor and his annoying daughter walk by. Naturally, they strike up a conversation and almost immediately Allie’s entire clitoral network is doing back flips. Then the roads are shut down due to the weather and Allie is stuck in the same winter wonderland as this handsome doctor. Will Allie stay faithful to Spencer who seems to be a perfectly normal guy? Will Allie cheat on Spencer with the single doctor and then in Part 2 Spencer goes insane and starts murdering couples on Christmas Day? Will Allie get with the handsome widower doctor and live happily together for 50 years, then when they die and go to Heaven, the doctor returns to his dead wife and Allie lives alone and miserable forever in Heaven? Or once alone in Heaven, will she restart her long-distance relationship with Spencer who is now in Hell? Will I get tired of coming up with goofy questions so I can publish this shit and go finish season 2 of Wednesday?

I actually really enjoy CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN and had a blast watching it. I had to watch the fucker twice since I was talking shit literally the entire movie. It was awesome. Good acting, Christmas decoration overdose, a weird side story about a magical (evil?) snow globe that grants wishes, also a creepy Santa dude walking around and people would talk to him and tell him their personal business simply because he has a beard, good pacing with a lot packed into the script, interesting characters, happy people...everywhere. It was insane.

If you're into this kind of thing, then CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN is totally worth checking out. I'd watch it again in a heartbeat.

One thing that I was curious about while watching this film is, does anybody actually celebrate Christmas to this extent? I know sometimes people give out gifts to their kids or whatever, but do people actually eat dinner together and talk to one another? There's no fucking way. It's gotta be a fictional concept. Like time-travel, witchcraft, teleportation or love between two human beings.

A WINTER PRINCESS (2019)

Her Royal Princess Carly takes a break from being royalty to secretly slum it among the “commoners”. You know, commoners who own ski resorts. Carly’s commoner job is the event coordinator for a high-end ski resort. She’s currently assigned to plan the big 50th year anniversary celebration party. It’s a big deal. Such a big deal that the owner's handsome brother is going to help her. He’s kind of a douche, but once he accidentally discovers her royal secret, he starts being nicer to her. What an amazing guy. She should totally fall in love with him. She does. The End.

I think the best way to quickly summon up A WINTER PRINCESS (besides saying that I was giggling the entire movie) is Carly and the handsome dude who’s family built the entire resort are having a hard time locating a venue to hold the party (cause I guess there are just so many choices in this remote mountain town) and finally after days of brain-storming, they’re standing around the local coffee shop eating cookies when Carly notices a map of the resort on the wall with a large building named “Summit Lodge” overlooking the entire resort, and she’s like what is this and the owner dude is like oh that’s fucking perfectly maintained large building with a gorgeous view that’s just sitting up there that we don’t use for shit, but it’s still in perfect condition. Suddenly, Carly is like let’s have the party there! And everybody falls all over themselves telling her how brilliant she is. It was awesome.

Extremely bland camerawork, zero gore, zero nudity, zero cheerleaders, no ups, no downs, people wearing lots of clothing while inside buildings, the phrase “My muffin cannot contain any more butter.” never used even once, no cussing, white people as far as the eye can see, bland clothing, bland acting, bland dialogue.

A WINTER PRINCESS didn’t thrill me like DIVINE INFLUENCER or those two Amish romance movies, but I did enjoy the nothingness of it. It gave my poor handsome brain time to relax. I'd definitely watch it again. My only actual serious complaint is I was hoping for some gay romance sparks between Carly’s brother and that other dude. But nope. Lame!

REMEMBER THE GOAL (2016)

"Cross-country is a lot like Christianity, Mr. Prader, it doesn't make a lot of sense."

The cross-country team of the all-girls Christian school Orange Hills Academy came in 10th place last year in state while under the iron-handed leadership of Coach Holloway. Holloway’s gone now and the schools got a new coach who doesn’t believe in “running the girls in the ground”. The parents are not happy about that and they voice their disdain by being complete and utter assholes non-stop. It’s awesome. I was giggling my incredibly tight buns off the entire movie cause it’s so deadpan and over the top at the same time. There is zero character development. The new coach shows up in the opening scene and this one student just starts throwing shade immediately. Then the student’s dad shows up and starts talking shit to this poor woman without even giving her a chance at all. Then other parents and faculty pile on. It’s ridiculous. Then the coach starts tossing out Bible verses and I’m like “Ohh, hell yes. You go girl!” 1 Corinthians 10:31, motherfucker! “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” What does that have to do with running across a field? I have no idea, but it's said with sincerity so it's awesome!

REMEMBER THE GOAL is a Christian movie, but even I, a world-renowned Bible scholar, had trouble figuring out how any of this is gonna get somebody saved or even be inspirational. Since it is a Christian school, I would figure that the parents are all Christians as well, but they were all insufferable buttheads. And the coaching technique that the new coach was showing the girls is just The Tortoise and the Hare: pace yourself while the other runners burn out. Like is that even inspirational at all? That's just common sense!

As far as movie entertainment goes, RTG would probably be looked at as lame by most people, but I appreciated the dedication the filmmakers and actors had. It made me laugh and that's fucking enough for me.

Part 2 - The Perfect Race (2019)