REMEMBER THE GOAL (2016)

"Cross-country is a lot like Christianity, Mr. Prader, it doesn't make a lot of sense."

The cross-country team of the all-girls Christian school Orange Hills Academy came in 10th place last year in state while under the iron-handed leadership of Coach Holloway. Holloway’s gone now and the schools got a new coach who doesn’t believe in “running the girls in the ground”. The parents are not happy about that and they voice their disdain by being complete and utter assholes non-stop. It’s awesome. I was giggling my incredibly tight buns off the entire movie cause it’s so deadpan and over the top at the same time. There is zero character development. The new coach shows up in the opening scene and this one student just starts throwing shade immediately. Then the student’s dad shows up and starts talking shit to this poor woman without even giving her a chance at all. Then other parents and faculty pile on. It’s ridiculous. Then the coach starts tossing out Bible verses and I’m like “Ohh, hell yes. You go girl!” 1 Corinthians 10:31, motherfucker! “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” What does that have to do with running across a field? I have no idea, but it's said with sincerity so it's awesome!

REMEMBER THE GOAL is a Christian movie, but even I, a world-renowned Bible scholar, had trouble figuring out how any of this is gonna get somebody saved or even be inspirational. Since it is a Christian school, I would figure that the parents are all Christians as well, but they were all insufferable buttheads. And the coaching technique that the new coach was showing the girls is just The Tortoise and the Hare: pace yourself while the other runners burn out. Like is that even inspirational at all? That's just common sense!

As far as movie entertainment goes, RTG would probably be looked at as lame by most people, but I appreciated the dedication the filmmakers and actors had. It made me laugh and that's fucking enough for me.

Part 2 - The Perfect Race (2019)

MY IMMORTAL THE MOVIE (2015)

Full disclosure: the audio on this movie isn’t the best, so my apologizes if I got anything in the story incorrect.

A young vampire by the name of Ebony goes to college but seems to fill 100% of her time hanging out with her two boyfriends(?) instead of going to class. One evening she and bf #1 go to a shit rock concert in a deserted basement. Afterward they fuck in the woods. Later on, bf #1 is kidnapped by somebody whose name sounded like Lord Moldyhorse. So, Ebony shoots a vampire guard in the head and watches two guys fuck in the hallway outside her bedroom. Later on, there is some lightning and Horsemold rolls down a hill. Fin.

I literally have zero info about this movie. I should probably do some research, but I don’t care and nobody reads this shit anyway. That said, MY IMMORTAL THE MOVIE seems to just be a student film and with that in mind, I enjoyed it. The 45-minute runtime (that includes both opening and closing credits) didn’t overstay its welcome, the pace was brisk, the story was wacky and seems to be based on Harry Potter. I think? I swear to Satan I heard somebody yell something like “you Muggle fuck” at one point. As far as the acting goes, it’s definitely more middle school-level than college, but still, it worked out fine with a story of this nature and the actors seemed to be having fun.

Why this movie was released on DVD, I’m not really sure, but I’m glad it was and will probably watch it again with friends at some point. As far as the negatives go, I straight-up had no idea what the fuck was going on, the crappy music was too loud in the mix, the use of the r-word was uncalled for, I don’t think there was any consideration for lighting and despite seeing boom mic reflections in various windows…I’m not sure that the mic was turned on. The audio on AX ‘EM was better. And that ain’t a joke.

Shitty lighting, shitty audio, whatever. MY IMMORTAL THE MOVIE was a fun watch and definitely better than some of the crap I've seen in the movie theater this year. THE WATCHERS, I'm talking about you, mugglefucker!

CRAWL (2019)

Moron dad ignores warnings to evacuate ahead of a Category 5 hurricane. Moron daughter goes off in search of her moron dad. Good news is she finds him. Bad news is he’s injured and trapped in the crawl space beneath his crib with multiple large ill-tempered alligators. All with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

The most surprising thing about CRAWL is it isn’t surprising at all. I usually enjoy killer animal movies and I love disaster movies, so I mistakenly thought that if you combine those two things with the director of the gnarly HIGH TENSION, that CRAWL would be an awesome bloodbath of alligators ripping people to shreds. Flinging intestines and bloody limbs into the air with gleeful abandon. Nope. The cinematography by Maxime Alexandre looks nice, but, outside of that, CRAWL is strictly by-the-numbers. Quick set-up of character backstories, put characters in dangerous situation, have characters scamper around as various side characters run up the low body count, have main characters learn lessons about family.

I remember seeing CRAWL in the theater and being mildly entertained, but disappointed by the final act. I had hoped that once it was released on home media that it would get a longer cut with added brutal violence, but that didn’t happen. It’s just the same old movie. Zero nudity, very little blood, forgettable looking sets that look like sets, unimaginative script, boring cast, disappointing ending.

Overall, CRAWL is watchable and mildly entertaining. I did like the dog though. She was super cute. I loved when she was swimming. Those back legs were kicking! They should make an alien invasion movie, but just make it about the dog from CRAWL and the cat from that boring ass A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE.  (Literally, the best minutes of that movie are when the cat ran off by itself.) No human main characters at all, just a cat and a dog’s journey across a Robert McCammon-style post-apocalyptic wasteland. Then they both die at the end.

After many harrowing adventures together, our two heroes are on the side of a hill that overlooks a large dead city. The sky is grey and the clouds low. The cat and dog walk together in silence, breathing out ghosts in the bitter cold. The dog misjudges a step and breaks one of his back legs on a loose rock. Before the dog even falls to the ground, the cat knows that they are doomed. Still, she does what she can to comfort her best friend. She brings him a small mouse to eat and nuzzles him. Then, as night settles and the deeper cold moves in, she cuddles up to him to keep him as warm as her little body can. He dies in the night. She feels his body cool next to her. In the morning, she knows that she is healthy enough to move on. But, she also knows that life is not worth living when one is truly alone.