A VETERAN'S CHRISTMAS (2018)

Grace Garland (who is single) is honorably discharged from the Marines (thank you for your service just seriously thank you so your much thank for your service thank you thank you for your service your service thank you for it service thank you service thank) and immediately wrecks her whip into the property of a small town judge who happens to be single as fuck and handsome as fuck and psychotically obsessed with Christmas which also happens to be the name (Christmas) of Grace’s dog that she worked with in the Marines and is now separated from forever. Forever! There is literally zero percent chance that she’ll ever be reunited with this dog. It’s just not going to happen. Nope. Christmas is lost forever. It will just never happen. Thank you for your service, but you ain’t gettin’ that dog back.

Being a Hallmark movie, you already know this sucker is going to be cheesedick as fuck and oh my god, I was in heaven. I think I started yelling somewhere around the 2 minute mark and I didn’t stop until it was over. I seriously doubt even 15 minutes was put into writing this script, but fuck, what a badass 15 minutes it must have been! They really pumped up the meddling family bullshit in this one. It was awesome. And as an added bonus to me…the shitty-looking men’s jacket was back! Who dresses these motherfuckers? They deserve an Oscar. Also, do people normally fully dress, including shoes, the entire time they’re home? Just dragging dog shit and germs all over the floor. Fucking nasty!

Seriously though, I loved everything about this movie. It was goddamn terrible and awesome at the same time. The only thing that kinda disappointed me was it wasn’t heavy-handed enough with the Jesus shit. I knew I was in trouble early on when somebody said, “Merry Christmas.” instead of "Happy holidays." in the first scene. Lame! I was really hoping for some good ol’, old-fashioned canceling Christmas fearmongering. But nope, your imaginary dom is still safe. I was also a little sad that the mandatory incredibly mature 12 year-old character wasn't as prominent as in other Hallmark films.

P.S. Thanks u 4 ur service.

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A few various notes that I put in my notebook while watching A VETERAN'S CHRISTMAS:

• Is Christmas really a thing?
• Wasn’t the beginning of THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE just like the opening of this movie?
• Small Town White People Abusing Their Power: The Movie.
• Intelligence test: pause the movie at 5:34 and if you cannot predict the rest of the entire movie, then you’re a fucking idiot.
• Black people counter: 3
• The military font in the opening credits was kinda pushing it.
• Are there really no other candidates for the job they offered her? 
• Chicago would eat this fucking pussy motherfucker alive.
• In Part 2 we’re gonna find out he’s a serial killer.

MYSTERY 101: WORDS CAN KILL (2019)

It seems like they really hit their stride with this third installment of the MYSTERY 101 series. The mystery was good with lots of twists and turns, the movie itself looked good and somehow the non-relationship relationship between our two main characters actually didn’t move forward at all, which is what we all want. Just let it stay in that cute awkward flirty stage forever!

Elmstead College is holding a Mystery writers convention. Of course, our hero professor’s mystery novelist dad is going to be there, but so is another writer that he used to have bad blood with and even an old agent who he also has bad blood with. Things happen and bodies start piling up. So now it’s up to our favorite professor and the handsome homicide detective stud to solve the case! It’s awesome and a lot of fun. I especially loved the scene where they were in a well lit parking lot at night and he insists on walking her to her car, they then walk over like 8 steps and they’re at her car. I don’t know why, but that scene cracked me up.

Of the three MYSTERY 101 films that I’ve seen, WORDS CAN KILL is the best so far. It was cute and silly and did a solid job of building on the groundwork laid by the previous two films. Some grumpy fucks might poo-poo all over it, but, as far as low-stress comfort films go, I really liked it. Check it out!

Part 1 - Mystery 101 (2019)
Part 2 - Mystery 101: Playing Dead (2019)
Part 4 - Mystery 101: Dead Talk (2019)
Part 5 - Mystery 101: An Education in Murder (2020)
Part 6 - Mystery 101: Killer Timing (2021)
Part 7 - Mystery 101: Deadly History (2021)

CHRISTMAS AT CARTWRIGHT'S (2014)

"Christmas is about profit and numbers."

Alicia Witt is unemployed as fuck, broke as fuck and fucked as fuck cuz she cannot pay her rent, she has a super annoying kid she has to provide for and it's Christmas. But wait a minute cause undercover angel Wallace Shawn performs some olde tyme Christmas angel witchcraft and gets Alicia a job as a store Santa at the prestigious Cartwright’s department store. Oooooooooooh! Fancy. Now you might be asking yourself: how does the payroll and tax stuff work with a woman secretly acting as a dude at a job where literally nobody knows her secret…and you might even be curious how she was able to pay her overdue back-rent after only being on the job for like three days, but, you see, you’re thinking too much! This is a Hallmark movie, motherfucker! Relax. Take your big, ol’ overheated noodle and put it on a shelf and quit thinking. If you do insist on thinking while you watch this upbeat motherfucker, think about how easy (and fun) it would be to re-edit this into a horror movie. Example: Wallace Shawn isn't an actual angel...he's just fucking crazy.

As much as I would like to be a Hallmark movie expert, I’m not (since I don’t come across the DVD’s that much), but I have thoroughly enjoyed the ones that I have seen. CHRISTMAS AT CARTWRIGHT'S is no different. It’s awesome. The story is predictable as fuck, the acting is all over the place (especially by the background actors), the annoying child character is easily the most emotionally mature character in the entire film (despite the fact that she cannot spell the words “blue” or “night”), the production design and sets looks interchangeable with other Hallmark films and the positivity! Oh my god. The shit is off the scales! I think I talked back to the television for the entire movie. At one point towards the end, I remember standing straight up and yelling “This fucking movie!!!” with my left arm out. Haha. I was seriously getting upset with the two main characters not hooking up.

Overall, I really enjoyed CHRISTMAS AT CARTWRIGHT'S and was surprised at how much I enjoyed Alicia Witt’s overacting. Especially all the funny faces she made. It was awesome. Even if her hair was too short. I also really liked Gabriel Hogan. He had a playful demeanor that I thought was cute. His hair was okay.

Now that I think about it, I don't remember seeing any horrible jackets in this movie. That seemed to be a running theme in the couple of films that I saw in the MYSTERY 101 and CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN series. I thought that might be a Hallmark, uhhh, hallmark.

[Not part of the review: Cerealously though, if anybody has some Hallmark discs, send them my way.]

Oh fuck...I was just going back and watching it again and I remember in the scene were the kid cannot spell "blue" in class, right when she got it wrong, I said "Stupid!" and at the exact same moment the kid sitting behind her said "Dummy." hahahaha, oh shit I was dying.