THE LAST STAND (2013)

I remember when this film was announced with director Kim Jee-woon (I SAW THE DEVIL, THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WEIRD) at the helm my handsome penis nearly exploded.  Arnold is my favorite action star and just the thought of him coming back onto the big screen after so many years away with something like I SAW THE DEVIL got me all excited...then I saw the trailer with goofy ass Johnny Knoxville stinking up the joint and all the wind went out of my sails.  Instead of watching it day one in the theater, I waited until it came out on home video and I'm glad I did.  THE LAST STAND is not a bad movie, I enjoyed it, but it could have been so much better.

The overly convoluted story is about a Mexican drug lord who's being transported somewhere when he escapes and then in his 1,000 hp car goes rocketing towards the border.  For whatever reason the Feds can't stop him, so now it's up to small town police dude Arnold Schwarzenegger and his deputies to stop this drug lord butthole from getting to Mexico.  That sounds dumb as hell and it's actually even worse in the movie.  Needless to say, if you want to enjoy this film you have to completely ignore reality and just allow whatever happens onscreen to happen without any complaint.  A car and a truck hit head on and the truck ramps into the air without even setting off the cars airbags...sure why not?  This 1,000 hp car drives well over 100mph for over 300 miles without getting gas...it could happen.  A giant magnet affects the cop inside a van, but not the bad guy who's also inside the van...happens all the time!

The other thing that bothered me was the pointless amount of time wasted on the government agents.  I don't give a fuck!  How about just cut them completely out of the story and instead of having the bad dude be a drug lord, have the entire film be much darker and have the bad guy be some asshole who raped and killed Arnold's family years ago and has now he escapes prison to get revenge on Arnold for shooting him in the dick?  Make the relationship between Arnold and the bad guy be personal so now it truly is a last stand.  A true fight to the death between two people who absolutely hate each others guts.  Maybe on top of that give Arnold inoperable cancer, so now he's dying of cancer and fighting this rapist murderer asshole.

As it stands...THE LAST STAND was an okay film with plenty of fun action scenes and thankfully very little screen time for Knoxville.  Still, I was hoping that it was gonna be much grittier.  What was the point of even bringing Kim Jee-woon on as the director if they were just gonna have it be like every other action movie out there?  Worth a watch as long as you don't expect too much.

If you need me I'll be in my room watching COMMANDO.

I SAW THE DEVIL (2010)

[Update 05/09/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

When a secret agent's (Byung-hun Lee) pregnant girlfriend is brutally raped and murdered by a psychotic serial killer (Choi Min-sik ), he takes off after the guy in an insane game of cat and mouse. Strange thing is the serial killer actually enjoys being the prey as much as he does being the hunter. He sees it as a test to prove how badass he really is.

I SAW THE DEVIL might not be a home run, but it's very enjoyable and very exciting. All the way up until the disappointing ending I was on the edge of my seat just trying to guess what kind of crazy shit was going to happen next. I never would have predicted the taxi scene in a thousand years!

Nudity, ultra-violence, great camerawork, lots of laughs, rape, murder, attractive females, torture, testicles crushed, blood all over the place, cannibalism, knives, guns, a turd...check it out! The sheer amount of psychotic violence and extreme anti-human behavior in this film makes I SAW THE DEVIL a good double-feature with EBOLA SYNDROME. "You want to bully me?"