Tuesday, October 20, 2009

THE THAW (2009)

THE THAW isn't a bad film or a good film, it's just a nothing film. The story is lifted straight from the 1982 version of THE THING. All they did was remove the snow, the tension, the cool FX, the creepy monsters, the interesting alien storyline and Kurt Russell then replaced it with a bloated Val Kilmer, 90's cable level CGI effects, less snow, lame insect "monsters" and a heavy-handed global warming due to human pollution theme.

Scientists up north somewhere find a woolly mammoth (thanks to the global warming) and start studying it. That's all fine and dandy until they discover it's full of centipede/cockroach looking parasites that like to dig their way into you then start laying eggs all up in yo shit. That actually sounds cool, but in reality the whole thing is bland as fuck.

If you're really, really bored then check it out, but with little violence, a lame political message, no tits and a lame monster there's very zero reason to waste your time with this frozen turkey.  If you need me, I'll be in my room watching "Fortitude".

Monday, October 19, 2009

INFESTATION (2009)

I have a theory that if I watch every single horror movie ever made that I'll occasionally find a good one that somehow slipped through the cracks. Ninety-nine percent of the time this theory comes back to bite me in the penis, but that one good percent makes it all worthwhile.

INFESTATION is more of a comedy/horror than a straight horror movie, but that's cool cause the main dude, Cooper, is actually pretty funny. It starts out with him at his telemarketer job slacking off and getting fired. Right then a loud noise knocks everybody out and when he wakes (yea, it's a lot like the first chapter of Wyndham's "The Day of the Triffids") everybody is cocooned. Cooper claws out of his webbing, fights some giant beetles and saves a few other people including the ultrahot Brooke Nevin (goddamn it! Why can't I get attacked by giant bugs and wake up next to a hot chick?!). They do the standard post-apocalyptic stuff, but what makes this movie stand out from the dozens of other insect/animals/alien attack movies is that INFESTATION is actually good! Fresh writing, imaginative action scenes, believable characters that are fun to watch. A lot of movies in the comedy/horror genre are disappointing (SLITHER, SHAWN OF THE DEAD, BLACK SHEEP, FIDO) because the writing is forced and lame, but I thought INFESTATION was very well made and earns the right to live in the shadow of the genre classics like TREMORS, GREMLINS, DEAD ALIVE and THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. I said live in the shadow, not alongside! It's a good movie, but let's not go crazy.

If you liked EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS for what it was, then you'll enjoy INFESTATION.

Monday, October 12, 2009

VOICES (2007)

I wish there had been a voice telling me not to watch this movie.  But I did and all it is is you average style over substance Asian horror movie filled with: dark creepy stuff you can't really see, overly confusing plot that makes little sense, zero nudity, zero gore, lame flashbacks, a little bit of blood splattered about, zero nudity, zero authentic scares (just a bunch of loud jump scenes), a main girl that never really does anything to save herself and lots and lots of talking.

The story, I think, is about a vengeful spirit killing people and trying to get people to kill the main girl...I think, I could be completely wrong.  I don't really know and I don't even care.  All I know is there was a girl that everybody kept trying to kill her, but I never figured out why for sure.  Or maybe it was just her imagination.  Skip it and never look back.