Tuesday, August 3, 2021

CREEPSHOW 2 (1987)

Remember that scene in SILVER BULLET were the drunk dad was watching wrasslin’ on TV and the one wrestler kicked the other one in the nuts and the drunk dad yelled out “Ow!  That's it.  Oh, that hurt my parts!”? Well, that’s how I felt watching this dick-kickin' collection of short stories.

Old Chief Wood’nhead

Why not start out the movie with easily the worst story?  That's always a good idea. An older couple live in an small desert town that has dried up and blown away. They run a dilapidated general story with an old wooden Indian standing outside. One evening, three local low-life’s come in and rob the place. Killing the couple in the process. This pisses off the wooden Indian (not enough to stop the crime obviously) and he says “Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it.” and kills the criminals in boring ways.  Skip it.

The Raft

The highlight of this turd fest.  Four boring, twenty-something year-old teenagers drive out to a remote watering hole to smoke weed and swim. Once there, they swim out to a stationary raft in the middle of the lake and before you can say "They should make a sequel to THE HORSE WHISPERER called THE HORSE WHISPERER 2: THE SHIT-TALKER were all the horse whisperer does is saunter up to the horse and talk hella shit right in its ear 'Listen here, you carrot-chewing motherfucker...' and '...you know that glue factory down the road?'  Stuff like that." they discover the lake is also home to a floating garbage bag.  It swims around the raft at about the speed on a one-legged duck (0.5 duck knots) and somehow manages to pick off these idiots one at a time.  Yawn.  THE BLOB it's not.

The Hitch-hiker

A cheating wife is rushing home from the filming of Boner Jams 87' in order to beat her husband who’s been away at work, when she runs over a hitchhiker. She ain’t got time for that shit and leaves him to bleed out on the side of the road. Next thing you know, the hitchhiker (or his ghost or whatever) is hanging all over her car yelling out "Thanks for the ride, lady!" over and over and over. His body getting more and more mutilated as she smashes him into a tree and even shoots him a few times. I remember thinking this was extremely funny when I was teenager, but I must have been drinking mushroom Kool-Aid or high because I didn’t find it funny at all now as a handsome adult. Then again, I’m grumpy as fuck. Grrr!

In conclusion, CREEPSHOW 2 is underwhelming and boring. I’m sure the filmmakers intentions were in the right place and they didn’t mean to relentlessly turbo shit mad dookie diarrhea poo-poo (with just a squirt of pee-pee) all over the audiences eyeballs, but they did and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. Skip it. Unless you're drinking mushroom Kool-Aid, because then apparently it's hilarious. "Thanks for the ride, lady!"

Part 1 - Creepshow (1982)
Part 3 - Creepshow 3 (2006)

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

IRON MAN (2008)

Billionaire inventor / industrialist Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is kidnapped by some smelly terrorist buttholes in Afghanistan.  Luckily for him though, they are some of the most oblivious captors in movie history and while he's been instructed to build them a single missile...he instead constructs a gigantic functioning suit of armor that has flame throwers, a missile launcher and can even fly!  Jesus wept!  Anyway, shit happens and once he gets back to his mansion workshop in California, he designs and builds an even better version of his "Iron Man" suit which he flies around and does all kinds of clever and entertaining things with.

IRON MAN is a very enjoyable superhero movie.  The script could have been spruced up a bit, but for what it is, it's definitely a well-made film that's easily watchable and re-watchable.  Uneven pace, dated technology, fun action scenes (the daytime ones much more than the nighttime bullshit), Suicidal Tendencies, disappointing final boss, a ghost drive, multiple corporate tie-ins, strong supporting cast, a fantastic performance by Robert Downey Jr., an "American cheeseburger", no explanation if the suit is climate-controlled inside or not, PG-13 rated violence.

IRON MAN is a fun time-waster.  Recommended.

The Infinity Saga

Phase One
Part 2 - The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Part 3 - Iron Man 2 (2010)
Part 4 - Thor (2011)
Part 5 - Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
Part 6 - Marvel's The Avengers (2012)

Phase Two
Part 7 - Iron Man 3 (2013)
Part 8 - Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Part 9 - Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
Part 10 - Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Part 11 - Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Part 12 - Ant-Man (2015)

Phase Three
Part 13 - Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Part 14 - Doctor Strange (2016)
Part 15 - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
Part 16 - Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Part 17 - Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Part 18 - Black Panther (2018)
Part 19 - Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
Part 20 - Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
Part 21 - Captain Marvel (2019)
Part 22 - Avengers: Endgame (2019)
Part 23 - Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)

Phase Four
Part 24 - Black Widow (2021)