A VETERAN'S CHRISTMAS (2018)

Grace Garland (who is single) is honorably discharged from the Marines (thank you for your service just seriously thank you so your much thank for your service thank you thank you for your service your service thank you for it service thank you service thank) and immediately wrecks her whip into the property of a small town judge who happens to be single as fuck and handsome as fuck and psychotically obsessed with Christmas which also happens to be the name (Christmas) of Grace’s dog that she worked with in the Marines and is now separated from forever. Forever! There is literally zero percent chance that she’ll ever be reunited with this dog. It’s just not going to happen. Nope. Christmas is lost forever. It will just never happen. Thank you for your service, but you ain’t gettin’ that dog back.

Being a Hallmark movie, you already know this sucker is going to be cheesedick as fuck and oh my god, I was in heaven. I think I started yelling somewhere around the 2 minute mark and I didn’t stop until it was over. I seriously doubt even 15 minutes was put into writing this script, but fuck, what a badass 15 minutes it must have been! They really pumped up the meddling family bullshit in this one. It was awesome. And as an added bonus to me…the shitty-looking men’s jacket was back! Who dresses these motherfuckers? They deserve an Oscar. Also, do people normally fully dress, including shoes, the entire time they’re home? Just dragging dog shit and germs all over the floor. Fucking nasty!

Seriously though, I loved everything about this movie. It was goddamn terrible and awesome at the same time. The only thing that kinda disappointed me was it wasn’t heavy-handed enough with the Jesus shit. I knew I was in trouble early on when somebody said, “Merry Christmas.” instead of "Happy holidays." in the first scene. Lame! I was really hoping for some good ol’, old-fashioned canceling Christmas fearmongering. But nope, your imaginary dom is still safe. I was also a little sad that the mandatory incredibly mature 12 year-old character wasn't as prominent as in other Hallmark films.

P.S. Thanks u 4 ur service.

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A few various notes that I put in my notebook while watching A VETERAN'S CHRISTMAS:

• Is Christmas really a thing?
• Wasn’t the beginning of THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE just like the opening of this movie?
• Small Town White People Abusing Their Power: The Movie.
• Intelligence test: pause the movie at 5:34 and if you cannot predict the rest of the entire movie, then you’re a fucking idiot.
• Black people counter: 3
• The military font in the opening credits was kinda pushing it.
• Are there really no other candidates for the job they offered her? 
• Chicago would eat this fucking pussy motherfucker alive.
• In Part 2 we’re gonna find out he’s a serial killer.

THE BUNKER (2001)

The Bunker? More like The Clunker!

Germany, 1944. A small group of Nazi soldiers with British accents hole up in a forest bunker and proceed to spend the rest of the movie arguing with each other. Yawn. I’m sure there’s a story somewhere in this mess, but within 10 minutes I straight-up didn’t give a single fuck about anybody in this movie. Why? Cause they're all Nazi soldiers! What am I supposed to have some sort of empathy for them or something? They’re fucking Nazis! Looking at the DVD cover, you see Nazi skeletons with guns, so you’re thinking it gonna be some sorta DEAD SNOW situation (preferably Part 2, since it was better), but no. There’s literally zero connection with the cover to actual reality. Ninety percent of the movie is a group of sweaty Nazis in dank tunnels yelling at each other. Fuck ‘em all. It’d be one thing if some zombies started ripping them to shreds, but no, there’s no zombies at all. I have no fucking clue what that cover art is even referring to! I don't even understand how this is considered a horror movie.

All male cast (with a few familiar faces), boring sets, boring forest, muted colours, dim lighting, zero action, zero zombies, zero blood, shit ending. Skip this entire thing with a vengeance. It's not even worth watching for free. I’ve farted better scripts than this.

There is one ray of sunshine though: the appearance of Andrew Tiernan made me remember how perfect he was in Midsomer Murders episode “Picture of Innocence” (S10.E6) where he played an annoying douche who starts a feud between people who like digital cameras and people who like film cameras. Hahaha. Fuck, that’s such a great episode!

THE WRAITH (1986)

"Looks like a dork to me."

Despite only having six members, each dumber than the next, a murderous gang of car thieves have free rein to do anything they want in a small Arizona town. The town has police force, led by a useless sheriff (Randy Quaid) who spends all of his time tailing and investigating the gang, but never actually doing anything. It’s weird. Enter into this bizarre small town drama, one Charlie Sheen who rolls into town on his dirt bike and within 45 seconds he’s got Sherilyn Fenn riding on the back. This doesn’t sit too well with the hyper-jealous leader of the car thief gang, Nick Cassavetes, who has the hots for Sherilyn. So much so that he recently murdered Fenn’s boyfriend back when he was a pre-ghost. Huuuumm. And speaking of vengeance-seeking ghosts who drive around in a stealthy ghost whip murdering bad guys…why is Charlie Sheen never around when the ghost whip shows up? Unless, of course, you’re talking about the scene on the movie poster which doesn’t even make sense.

I remember renting this on VHS when it was a New Release, but only watching it a few times and not being super impressed. Revisiting it now though, it’s actually better than I remember. Probably a 5.5 out of 10. Or, maybe I’m just being nostalgic. Steady pace, only explosion kills (yawn), cool 1980’s fashions (I was dying over the waitress’ outfits), non-threatening bad guys (…except for that one dude who sliced his own hand open and wasn't even wearing a bandage in his next scene, dude’s healing powers are off the charts!), a shotgun with blinking red lights on it, two very quick topless glimpses, a few mildly watchable race scenes, boring desert town setting, okay acting but it was fun seeing a younger Charlie Sheen and a pre-Twin Peaks Sherilyn Fenn. I don't know if there's ever been a remake, but I'd love to see one. I know if I wrote the script, it'd have way more scenes at Big Kay's Drive-In!

Post-review thought: If you think about it too much THE WRAITH is kinda like a weird retelling of THE HEAVENLY KID. And PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC’S REVENGE is the same basic story as THE WRAITH, just with a mall instead of cars.

Another thought: I like how the newspaper ads mention music by “Ozzy Osbourne, Honeymoon Suite, Bonnie Tyler, Tim Feehan”, but nothing about Motley Crue, Billy Idol or Robert Palmer.