HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY (1987)

Despite the fact that I didn’t care for the first House film, I remember renting Part 2 when it came out on VHS (late 1987) and being extremely disappointed in the fact that it's not even a Horror movie! It’s actually just an unfunny comedy about an old house with portals and humor about as knee-slapping as how the filmmakers named the second installment in the "House" series, The Second Story. You get it? You get it? Because a house might have more than one floor...a second story! Duh-huk! How clever. Luckily, LETHAL WEAPON and SUMMER SCHOOL were also New Releases at the time so they kept my sexy, toight, underage ass from performing ritual suicide, seppuku, with a bamboo sword.

A young couple (male, female) move into his old family mansion and almost immediately, the dude and his buddy are out digging up a local graveyard in search of a lost crystal skull. Naturally, this leads to all kinds of goofy, nonsensical hijinks like a baby pterodactyl (wearing a bib) sitting at the dining room table, a ghost cowboy shooting up the place and Jason Voorhees wearing a gorilla suit while getting punched off a...second story landing by a caveman. You know, standard horror movie stuff.

Okay acting, a vintage Rolling Stones shirt, a cast full of familiar faces, rambling story, zero gore, a costume party, zero nudity, neat-looking old mansion, shit ending. I've revisited HOUSE II multiple times over the decades and it always disappoints. I don't even understand how a script so worthless ever got approved to begin with. RETURN TO OZ was scarier than this reeking turdsmuggler. Skip it. Or watch it, I don't give a sideways cowboy ghost fart what you do.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching Peter Jackson's THE FRIGHTENERS.

[Post-review rambling: I should write an epic-length novel (at least 4,000 pages) about a teenage dude in early 1988 who spends all kinds of effort and time flirting with another dude on his high school hockey team (imagine it being like “Heated Rivalry”, but much, much gayer) and then when he finally invites the guy over to VHS and chill, he rents HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY instead of LETHAL WEAPON. The second guy misreads this as a near-ultimate insult (it's not as bad as being tricked into watching a Will Smith movie) and now suddenly, they're arch enemies! He wants revenge for bringing his wonderful boner to this guys crib and then being mocked by watching HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY instead of fucking to LETHAL WEAPON. He turns evel, I mean, evil and sets all kinds of horrible plans into motion only to then realize in a cruel, JEAN DE FLORETTE / MANON OF THE SPRING twist of fate that ol' boi only rented HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY because LETHAL WEAPON was out of copies and the homophobic (secretly gay) Christian dude working the counter wanted to trick ol' boi into having a horrible weekend by watching HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY. Now they must team up to stop the evil plans (while also fucking a lot) and get revenge on the dude down at Video Vortex. But nay! They shant do that. Instead, they will show human kindness and forgive him for being a small-minded butthole in a small-minded butthole of a town. They start dating and visit the video store frequently and even, slowly over time, befriend the hateful Christian dude. Things eventually progress enough with him that one Friday evening he surprises them by telling him that not only did he purchase a copy of LA CAGE AUX FOLLES for the store...he even watched it last night and loved it! Loved it! The three of them are conversing and having some good laughs talking about Albin when mean old Miss Grisby walks up to the counter to rent a copy of not only BEVERLY HILLS COP II, but also EDDIE MURPHY RAW! What the fook??? Everybody knows mean old Miss Grisby is racist as hell. She's 104-years-old and hasn't been able to drive in 40 years, but yet she just hopped into an old white Chevy truck and sped off cranking "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)" at around 300 decibels. Now these three new friends have a mystery to solve! End of Chapter 1.]

Part 1 - House (1985)
Part 3 - The Horror Show (1989)
Part 4 - House IV (1992)

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28 YEARS LATER (2025)

Wat da fuq?

Seeing as how I’m both the most well-respected and highest paid movie critic in the known Universe, I decided to do my due diligence and revisit the first two films in the “28 Days Later” series before watching this new installment. And yep, they’re both still a 5/10 at best.

Alright, so let’s get to it: Twenty-eight years after the original outbreak of the Rage Virus, a 12-year-old boy, Spike (I’m guessing his parents were Buffy fans), lives with his family on a small British island that’s protected by the tides coming in and out, creating a natural barrier from the mainland Infected. There’s a small, fenced community on the island and when the children (boys only, no girls?) turn 15 they have a coming-of-age ritual where they go to the mainland, kill a zombie and teabag it or something. I don’t know, my brain started drifting when we’re told that the boy is only 12. Like, what the fuck? Why exactly is this dude going out three goddamn years early for? It’s like the movie created its own problem and never even explained it. (Or maybe it did and I missed it during one of my multiple, protracted yawning sessions.) Some townfolk say that Spike is too young, the dad says nope he’s old enough. Then once they get out of the gate, ol’ Spike starts fucking shit up left and right and even gets a few people killed!

Also, don’t even get me started on the goddamn doctor drugging the one zombie and letting him go, only to be bounced up and down like a goddamn Harlem Globetrotter basketball later on by the same exact zombie! Is this zombie your pet or something? Kill the motherfucker!

I don’t know. I was honestly looking forward to this film because I was expecting some badass zombie action, but instead I got weird camera effects, lens flares flying all over the joint and zombies treated more like annoying pests than deadly threats. I wanted to like 28 YEARS LATER, but by time it was over I wanted to parkour my 4K disc through a fucking window.

Part 1 - 28 Days Later... (2002)
Part 2 - 28 Weeks Later (2007)
Part 4 - 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple (2026)