THE BUNKER (2001)

The Bunker? More like The Clunker!

Germany, 1944. A small group of Nazi soldiers with British accents hole up in a forest bunker and proceed to spend the rest of the movie arguing with each other. Yawn. I’m sure there’s a story somewhere in this mess, but within 10 minutes I straight-up didn’t give a single fuck about anybody in this movie. Why? Cause they're all Nazi soldiers! What am I supposed to have some sort of empathy for them or something? They’re fucking Nazis! Looking at the DVD cover, you see Nazi skeletons with guns, so you’re thinking it gonna be some sorta DEAD SNOW situation (preferably Part 2, since it was better), but no. There’s literally zero connection with the cover to actual reality. Ninety percent of the movie is a group of sweaty Nazis in dank tunnels yelling at each other. Fuck ‘em all. It’d be one thing if some zombies started ripping them to shreds, but no, there’s no zombies at all. I have no fucking clue what that cover art is even referring to! I don't even understand how this is considered a horror movie.

All male cast (with a few familiar faces), boring sets, boring forest, muted colours, dim lighting, zero action, zero zombies, zero blood, shit ending. Skip this entire thing with a vengeance. It's not even worth watching for free. I’ve farted better scripts than this.

There is one ray of sunshine though: the appearance of Andrew Tiernan made me remember how perfect he was in Midsomer Murders episode “Picture of Innocence” (S10.E6) where he played an annoying douche who starts a feud between people who like digital cameras and people who like film cameras. Hahaha. Fuck, that’s such a great episode!

THE WRAITH (1986)

"Looks like a dork to me."

Despite only having six members, each dumber than the next, a murderous gang of car thieves have free rein to do anything they want in a small Arizona town. The town has police force, led by a useless sheriff (Randy Quaid) who spends all of his time tailing and investigating the gang, but never actually doing anything. It’s weird. Enter into this bizarre small town drama, one Charlie Sheen who rolls into town on his dirt bike and within 45 seconds he’s got Sherilyn Fenn riding on the back. This doesn’t sit too well with the hyper-jealous leader of the car thief gang, Nick Cassavetes, who has the hots for Sherilyn. So much so that he recently murdered Fenn’s boyfriend back when he was a pre-ghost. Huuuumm. And speaking of vengeance-seeking ghosts who drive around in a stealthy ghost whip murdering bad guys…why is Charlie Sheen never around when the ghost whip shows up? Unless, of course, you’re talking about the scene on the movie poster which doesn’t even make sense.

I remember renting this on VHS when it was a New Release, but only watching it a few times and not being super impressed. Revisiting it now though, it’s actually better than I remember. Probably a 5.5 out of 10. Or, maybe I’m just being nostalgic. Steady pace, only explosion kills (yawn), cool 1980’s fashions (I was dying over the waitress’ outfits), non-threatening bad guys (…except for that one dude who sliced his own hand open and wasn't even wearing a bandage in his next scene, dude’s healing powers are off the charts!), a shotgun with blinking red lights on it, two very quick topless glimpses, a few mildly watchable race scenes, boring desert town setting, okay acting but it was fun seeing a younger Charlie Sheen and a pre-Twin Peaks Sherilyn Fenn. I don't know if there's ever been a remake, but I'd love to see one. I know if I wrote the script, it'd have way more scenes at Big Kay's Drive-In!

Post-review thought: If you think about it too much THE WRAITH is kinda like a weird retelling of THE HEAVENLY KID. And PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC’S REVENGE is the same basic story as THE WRAITH, just with a mall instead of cars.

Another thought: I like how the newspaper ads mention music by “Ozzy Osbourne, Honeymoon Suite, Bonnie Tyler, Tim Feehan”, but nothing about Motley Crue, Billy Idol or Robert Palmer.