Monday, May 27, 2024

LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)

Divided up into numerous smaller stories, LOVE ACTUALLY insults any human who possesses empathy and/or an IQ above room temperature with multiple vomitous, I mean, romantic tales about love.  For example: a woman is recently married and then when she discovers that her husband’s best friend likes her, she cheats on her husband with the best friend.  How romantic!  In another story, a husband is cheating on his wife and only after his heartbroken wife confronts him about it does he admit that he is a fool.  Too late now motherfucker!  In yet another heartstring tugger, a man catches his wife and his brother fucking, so he rebounds by seducing his non-English speaking housekeeper.  Wow.  That’s lovely.

The cast is very impressive and the acting is fine, but this movie can go straight fuck itself.  I hate the way it’s filmed, the musical cues for the intellectually stunted are insulting and the overall message is absolute rubbish.  If your marketing campaign is about how the movie is super romantic, then maybe have the film feature characters who are emotionally evolved enough to actually be honest with each other.  I’d rather be alone forever than get tricked into a relationship with a dishonest, cheating sack of shit.

I’ve had the supreme misfortune to meet a subhuman who thought this movie was actually romantic and she ended up having the personality of a war criminal and the morals of a tomcat who enjoys raping kittens to death, so maybe LOVE ACTUALLY is a good test to see if a person is inhuman or not.

Wednesday, May 22, 2024

FIRENADO (2023)

Not to be confused with ABBA’s Fernando, FIRENADO is the Satan awful tale of a group of scientists who claim to be able to control the weather.  But, in reality, when they fly their fancy drone into a small tornado it cranks that overgrown dust devil into a full-blown tornado.  Which then bursts into flames and becomes a dreaded firenado.  D’oh!  So now, with no back-up plan, the scientists drive around the countryside in their illuminated science van warning people that if they would just look up, you might notice a gigantic thousand foot tall spinning inferno heading in our direction.  Some people pay attention, some don’t.  An example of the ones who don’t are the three masked bad guys who are using the firenado as a cover for a home invasion heist.

If any of that sounds appealing and you have zero discern about storytelling, acting skill or filmmaking technique…then FIRENADO shouldn’t be too torturous for you to watch.  Below average acting, terrible special effects, nice cinematography, a tornado that changes size often, zero police or emergency services, below average pace, multiple pointless talking scenes, zero nudity, zero tension, shit ending.

FIRENADO is definitely watchable, but that’s kinda like saying repeatedly slamming your clit in the door of an orange 1986 Ford Escort is “doable”.  I just don’t know why you would want to.  Unless, of course, that sort of thing is your bag, baby.  Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.  Or just watch TWISTER again instead.

Monday, May 20, 2024

FRANCIS (1950)

Dim-witted Peter Stirling (Donald O'Connor) is almost too stupid to live.  One day, while stationed in Burma (during World War II) this Beetle Baily motherfucker gets lost on foot behind Japanese lines and figures his best course of action is to take a nap.  Awakened later by approaching explosions, Peter simply runs off in whatever direction his feet take him.  Feets, don't fail me now!  He falls down a hill like a dumbfuck and standing there is a talking mule by the name of Francis.  Francis, with an i.  Francis saves Peter’s life by carrying him back to his base.  After that, Francis and Peter develop an almost abusive relationship were Francis constantly belittles Peter and embarrasses him by clamming up when others are around.  At the same time, they enjoy sneaking off together in the middle of the night to hunt humans.  They even kill some humans together at one point.  Maybe somebody should remake this film into a horror movie.

In the highly populated domesticated-talking-equine-hybrid-between-a-donkey-and-a-horse-during-the-Burma-campaign subgenre, FRANCIS is in the top 100% percentile.  That said, the story is weak and pretty much all of Peter’s troubles come from him constantly telling everybody on the base that he’s friends with a talking mule.  I wish that Francis and Peter had been more friendly from the beginning.  Instead of playing weird mind games.  That was depressing.  Why is being honest with each other so fucking hard?!  From a filmmaking standpoint, FRANCIS is very basic.  Boring sets, average acting, uninspired cinematography, average pace.  The main saving grace of the film is that the mule who plays Francis is super cute.  There's also a few brief Tony Curtis sightings that caught me off guard.  That was neat.

Worth a watch for fans of such things.  Or maybe even stoners looking for a few giggles.  If there even are still stoners anymore.  Are there?  I don’t even fucking know.  What do the “cool” people do now?  Heroin?  Oxycodone?  Fentanyl?  Poisonous toad puss?  Who gives a fuck.  Drink some cherry-flavored mushroom Kool-Aid, pop some oxy and feel superior to others as you giggle at Francis.  He’s a mule.  That talks.

Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 3 - Francis Goes to West Point (1952)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 5 - Francis Joins the WACS (1954)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)
Part 7 - Francis in the Haunted House (1956)