A GODWINK CHRISTMAS: MIRACLE OF LOVE (2021)

You’ve been Godwinked, motherfucker!

Well, it finally happened…I found a Hallmark movie that I didn’t fall in love with: A GODWINK CHRISTMAS: MIRACLE OF LOVE. Things start out well enough when an unemployed white woman who has a supportive boyfriend (you know he’s getting jettisoned!) and an unemployed handsome white dude both sign up for a community service volunteer program that seems to have endless money…I like where this is going! Even better: they all like to talk about god a lot! It’s fucking awesome. But then instead of the awkward, flirty romance stuff that goes on in the other Hallmark movies, shit starts getting serious! What the fuck??? I’m not watching a Hallmark movie to be assaulted with reality; I’m watching it to forget this anguishing hell we’re trapped in! Anyway, the charity is helping a family who lost all of their shit in a house fire (that entire thing was depressing), then the woman hilariously forgets to mention to anybody that she has a long-term boyfriend back home, so now the handsome dude who’s been flirting with her for weeks is devastated (that was the best part of the movie) so he gets a job driving a snowplow and runs himself over! Lol. What the fuck? Like literally zero survival skillz or Safety skillz used, dude just lays in front of the truck and it rolls over him! Lol. Moron. Anyway, ol’ girl has by now dumped her boyfriend and he gets tears in his perfectly trimmed beard. Then, when she gets to the hospital, the dumb dudes family starts giving her potential future trauma by saying that he’s living for her and shit like that. It was kinda awesome. Just guilt-tripping this poor woman that his recovery is solely based on her love for him...not the large truck that rolled over his perfectly-toned torso. I think my favorite part of the movie though was when the editor of the charity newsletter tells ol’ boi that he has to write an article and it needs to be “300 words” like that was challenging. Oh my god, how is he going to write 300 words?! That was so cool. Like whoa, how is he going to be able to write three-hundred words!

Fuck it, maybe I did like this movie, but still, I didn’t care for the more serious aspects. Like the dude getting run over...that was too stressful for me…but it did get me to daydreaming about an odd mix-up of a movie that was 95% CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN and 5% BULLY (2001), the Larry Clark film. That would be amazing! Hell, I still want to write that G-Rated Bible Camp slasher film I was talking about years ago in the BLOODY MURDER review. Ohhh, maybe a Godwink vs. Final Destination movie!

Despite not liking this film as much as other Hallmark movies, I still enjoyed the more traditional parts that were like uplifting and talking about hope and love and kindness and all that fictional stuff that doesn’t actually exist in real life.

ACCION MUTANTE (1993)

In the future, the world will be ruled by attractive people, so a group of unattractive (very unattractive) terrorists kidnap the daughter of a billionaire and ask for a $10 million ransom. Then the gang sees a news report saying it’s actually $100 million! Their boss lied to them! They start fighting among themselves and crash their hooptie spaceship onto a mining planet that looks a lot like the mining planet of Pandora in 2009’s Borderlands video game. More stuff happens, but it’s all really sweaty and gnarly-looking. And not in a good way. It’s not often that I find myself watching an (entire) movie that’s gross to physically look at twice, but I wanted to revisit ACCION MUTANTE because I remember buying a VHS bootleg of it back in the 1990’s (from Blackest Heart Media, I think) and I disliked it. Watching it again on a crystal clear Blu-ray…it still looks like shit.

Undercooked story, boring acting, illogical senses of pain and healing that make pretty much everything meaningless, lots of sweaty unwashed people everywhere, dumb gunfights where everybody is shooting hundreds of bullets all over the places willy-nilly, zero characters that I felt any connection or empathy with, dumb ending that resolves nothing.

Watch ACCION MUTANTE if you want, I just felt the entire thing to be meh. That said, I do appreciate any inspiration it had on the Borderlands series. Those first few games were amazing. Part 4 was a snoozer though. Yawn!

Writer and Director Alex de la Iglesia would go on to make 2013’s WITCHING AND BITCHING which I really enjoyed.

Pointless side note: I found a newspaper article saying that ACCION MUTANTE was set in 2092, but I don't remember that being stated in the actual movie.