Sunday, March 12, 2023

THE MUMMY (1999)

Egypt, 1290 BC. Pharaoh Set I discovers that his high priest Imhotep has been long-dicking his mistress Anck-su-namun. He gets really pissed off for about three seconds…until Anck-su-namun stabs him to death. At the same time, the Pharaoh’s royal guard, the Madjai, come busting in. Imhotep flees and Anck-su-namun kills herself with a knife. Shit happens and soon Imhotep himself is captured, while trying to resurrect Anck-su-namun. As punishment, he’s wrapped up like a mummy and buried alive. A few years later, in 1926, a nerd, Rachel Weisz, learns that local adventurer Brendan Fraser knows the secret location to the lost city of Hamunaptra. While traveling there together as a team they find that the body count of the film will be increased if they are joined with a second group of treasure hunters. All kinds of Indiana Jones-style adventures and wacky shit ensue.

Time has been kind to THE MUMMY. I originally saw it in the theater on opening weekend way back in ye olde 1999. I was wearing a Lords of Acid t-shirt; in case you were wondering and/or happen to be a time-traveler wanting to say hello. I remember enjoying it at the time. And every time I’ve seen it again over the years, I’ve always found myself caught up in the excitement and adventure of it all. Quick pace that never lets up, excellent casting, solid acting, dated special effects that still work out fine and give it a kinda campy look that actually benefits the film, strong direction.

I’m not sure that THE MUMMY will change your life or inspire any deep philosophical thoughts in yer noodle, but it is an excellent way to spend a few hours. Check it out.

Part 2 - The Mummy Returns(2001)
Part 3 - The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)
Prequel - The Scorpion King (2002)
Prequel Part 2 - The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008)
Prequel Part 3 - The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption (2012)
Prequel Part 4 - The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power (2015)
Prequel Part 5 - The Scorpion King: Book of Souls (2018)

Monday, March 6, 2023


East Africa, 1913. A wealthy female moves to Africa to marry a serial philanderer. They happily live together on a coffee farm and he even stops screwing other females long enough to give her syphilis. What a guy. Throughout all of this, the woman has secretly been wettin’ her panties over a local chap who is a professional elephant murderer. She hooks up with him and eventually their relationship advances to the point where they can go out and murder animals together.

OUT OF AFRICA was a big deal when it came out back in the 1980’s. As evident by the fact it won multiple Academy Awards (including Best Picture) and was #5 at the box office for 1986. Beating out everything from THE GOONIES to FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF. Revisiting it nowadays, it is entertaining and watchable, but that story is garbage. Very "unslay" as modern day kids would say.

Solid acting by the entire cast, gorgeous scenery, medium pace, rich people problems, some weird crap going on in the background at the beginning of the movie that looked super fake, unrelatable main character that I had zero sympathy for, dumb decisions left and right, onscreen bird murder, disappointing ending, average direction, cool-looking dog, zero sexual tension between the two leads, zero sex scenes, zero tits, zero dicks. Looking at the Winners and Nominees list for 58th Academy Awards, it’s difficult to see even one award that OUT OF AFRICA actually deserved. Then again, I think the overall winner for the year should have been BACK TO THE FUTURE.

As always, my uneducated opinion is totally formulated in my stressed out, little simpleton brain and holds zero weight at all.  I'm just a big dummy who likes yapping about movies.  That said, OUT OF AFRICA is an interesting time-capsule back to what was considered highbrow Cinema back in the mid-1980's.