Tuesday, January 19, 2021

VERTICAL LIMIT (2000)

Hold on to yer clitoris', motherfuckers!!! From the writer of PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE comes VERTICAL LIMIT, the completely nuts story of a brother who will stop at nothing to save his sister who's trapped by an avalanche with the slimy Bill Paxton.
 
The film opens by showing us lowly groundwalkers just how awesome and relaxed the brother and sister are hanging a billion feet up in the air with nothing to protect them except their climbing gear and gigantic balls. Then...tragedy strikes and the brother's gigantic climbing balls wither up and die. But not his sister!  Oh no, she still has her gigantic climbing balls and scampers all over the joint like a spider monkey hopped up on hallucinogenic toad puss. That is until one fateful day when she goes climbing with Bill fuckin' Paxton and a powerful storm traps them in a crevasse. Now it's up to brother Chris O'Donnell to re-grow his massive climbing round tables and lead three nitroglycerin-packin' teams of big-balled badasses straight up that mountain's butthole and save his sister!!! Grrrrr!

On a believability scale of 0 - 666, VERTICAL LIMIT scores somewhere around zero point zero. I know very little about mountain climbing, but I'm almost positive that somebody in full mountain climbing gear cannot run and jump 100 feet, face first into a solid wall of frozen rock and save themselves by ramming two hammer spikes into the wall. That said, I enjoyed the movie because it was stupid, yet somehow still tried to be serious. To me, that's pure entertainment. Plus, I like it when Bill Paxton plays a slimeball.

Fast enough pace, dated special effects, annoying as fuck stoner bros that said a bunch of "funny" stuff but none of it was even remotely funny, impressive (nearly all male) cast, a 27-second scene of Scott Glenn shaving, reality thrown straight out the window, plot holes (dying from a lack of water...in a hole made up of ice and snow; who was doing Morse code on the radio first?), macho climbing talk, enough helicopter action to make Michael Bay splooge, Longmire using his normal voice(?), mildly disappointing third act.

Recommended for fans of ridiculous action movies.  Would probably make a fun double-feature with TWISTER.

Sunday, March 1, 2020

V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984)

The distress signal sent into outer space at the end of the first film is forgotten (although that would have been really cool), instead the human Resistance attack a human meat processing plant and fail miserably.  They limp back to their base to lick their wounds.  They regroup and keep attacking the Visitors over and over.  At the same time, the Visitors keep trying to destroy the Resistance.  It's a lot of fun to watch.  I loved the battle at the water facility.   

You also got ol' girl from the first film who is still pregnant with the Visitor baby; some mercenaries join the Resistance; the Resistance kidnaps Freddy Krueger; the Resistance leader is kidnapped by Diana; Diana shooting a Bible with a laser; a priest fires an Uzi; the Beastmaster slides down the hood of a spaceship and racks himself on a Visitor's face; hot air balloons; that one cave that's been in like a thousand movies; some crazy ass lizard babies; lots of explosions; a giant snake and much more.  Including a young girl who starts sparking like a TWILIGHT vampire in the sun.  It was really bizarre and unexpected.

Originally shown over three nights on NBC from May 6th to the 8th, 1984, V: THE FINAL BATTLE is over four hour long, but it flies by!  I've seen it multiple times and it's still highly entertaining.  Solid acting, fast pace, good special effects, great story.

I think both of the original V films are awesome!

Part 1 - V (1983)