BRING HER BACK (2025)

[I don’t have an actual copy of the movie yet to take screenshots, since I just got home from the movie theater. I’ll fix that once I do. And watch the movie again to update the review. Can’t wait! Yawn.]

Is there even one single shot in this movie that doesn’t have an object or an actor within 10 feet (or less) of the camera? I’m fucking serious. I’m sitting there in the movie theater, gracing my favorite seat with my amazing buns, and within 10 minutes (if not less) you already know the entire story, so now in my boredom I start hyperfocusing on the camera placement and it’s driving me nuts. It’s like we’re stuck in a Bourne Identity fight scene for 7 hours or however long this movie is. What? It’s only 104 minutes long? Oh, fuck me.

Anyway, if you’ve never seen a movie before or a TV show and never read a book or maybe even don’t know how to read…perhaps you’ve been punched in the skull a few dozen times by a donkey, if so, then you might find BRING HER BACK to be original. Everybody else, I would hope, would just find it to be lazy and below average.

Middle of the road acting, minor blood, zero gore, zero scares, up close and personal camera shots for like 98% of the movie, lackluster script, unoriginal story, slow pace, dumb…fucking dumb as fuck characters, multiple plots holes. I hate to admit it, but that disappointing as fuck CUCKOO was better than this turkey.

Jesus Fucking Harry Potter Christ, I forgot to give a brief synopsis of the story: A woman, who is clearly as crazy as a shithouse rat, is in deep mourning over the death of her tween daughter. So, she acquires a bootleg “Soul Transference for Dummies” VHS tape (probably from iOffer) and kidnaps a young boy to use as a soul vessel until she can find a fresh tween girl corpse to permanently house her dead daughter’s soul. Lucky for her, the State seems to have performed literally zero investigation into her and her fucked up house and delivers a young orphan girl right to her front door. (I might've got a few minor details of the story incorrect. Or maybe I was just confusing it with the dozens of other times we've seen this same story.)

REMEMBER THE GOAL (2016)

"Cross-country is a lot like Christianity, Mr. Prader, it doesn't make a lot of sense."

The cross-country team of the all-girls Christian school Orange Hills Academy came in 10th place last year in state while under the iron-handed leadership of Coach Holloway. Holloway’s gone now and the schools got a new coach who doesn’t believe in “running the girls in the ground”. The parents are not happy about that and they voice their disdain by being complete and utter assholes non-stop. It’s awesome. I was giggling my incredibly tight buns off the entire movie cause it’s so deadpan and over the top at the same time. There is zero character development. The new coach shows up in the opening scene and this one student just starts throwing shade immediately. Then the student’s dad shows up and starts talking shit to this poor woman without even giving her a chance at all. Then other parents and faculty pile on. It’s ridiculous. Then the coach starts tossing out Bible verses and I’m like “Ohh, hell yes. You go girl!” 1 Corinthians 10:31, motherfucker! “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” What does that have to do with running across a field? I have no idea, but it's said with sincerity so it's awesome!

REMEMBER THE GOAL is a Christian movie, but even I, a world-renowned Bible scholar, had trouble figuring out how any of this is gonna get somebody saved or even be inspirational. Since it is a Christian school, I would figure that the parents are all Christians as well, but they were all insufferable buttheads. And the coaching technique that the new coach was showing the girls is just The Tortoise and the Hare: pace yourself while the other runners burn out. Like is that even inspirational at all? That's just common sense!

As far as movie entertainment goes, RTG would probably be looked at as lame by most people, but I appreciated the dedication the filmmakers and actors had. It made me laugh and that's fucking enough for me.

Part 2 - The Perfect Race (2019)

TONGUES UNTIED (1989)

“I was mute, tongue-tied, burdened by shadows and silence. Now I speak, and my burden is lightened, lifted, free.”

TONGUES UNTIED originally broadcast on PBS stations across America on July 16, 1991, as part of their “POV” (Point of View) series. It is an experimental documentary by Marlon Riggs talking about the alienation of gay people in American society, specifically gay Black men. And the subject of gay people being silenced is ironic because while reading old newspaper articles about TU’s original release I came across multiple sources saying that 18 of the 50 largest television PBS stations (markets) refused to air the film. And others didn’t show it until late at night. Including one that didn’t show it until midnight! But let’s not go off into the weeds about dim-witted program directors in 1991…is TONGUES UNTIED a good film? Yes, it’s quite good.

As mentioned earlier: TONGUES UNTIED is an experimental film and it did take my perfectly chiseled honky buttcheeks a few minutes to get into the rhythm of the free-style, poetic, street rapping approach the film used, but once I caught on, I dug it and even wished the film had been longer. At 54 minutes I felt like Marlon really only scratched the surface of his story. (Maybe this has already happened), but I would love to see much longer different documentary about Marlon Riggs and the subject matter and events talked about in TONGUES UNTIED. For example: he briefly talks about having full on anal sex with other boys at age 6! Like holy shit, that could be a full doc all to itself! And don't even get me started on the breakdown of different kinds of snaps! I could watch a 12-hour film about that.

I don’t want to give away too much, you should just see the movie for yourself, but there was one segment that I want to talk about. They’re talking about how gays are openly mocked and ridiculed in society and during this segment, there is a close-up shot of poet and activist Essex Hemphill simply looking into the camera. At the same time, they play clips of popular movies of the time using the f-word. It was very simply done and yeah, it’s kinda like that one scene from South Park, but I personally found it very upsetting because I remember seeing all of those movies back in the 1980’s and it never even crossed my adolescent mind at how hurtful it was. And now as I’m going back and re-visiting and reviewing older movies, I’m straight up shocked at how fucked up some of these mainstream films are. I’m talking about you, CROCODILE DUNDEE. Anyway, I just found that segment to be heartbreaking.

Sadly, TONGUES UNTIED is not for all audiences, but it deserves to be seen by all (adult) audiences.

Double-feature with PARIS IS BURNING.

[Update: It is not part of the film, but I included a screen capture of Marlon Riggs' obituary. He died in 1994 at age 37. It's sad to think about the positive impact he could have had if he had lived longer. We were all robbed.]