PORKY'S (1981)

Twenty-six year-old high school teenager Pee Wee wants to get laid goddamn it! And his buddies wanna help him. And they don't care how many laws they gotta break to make it happen. Eventually, since Pee Wee has created such an annoying shitbag reputation for himself (mainly due to him being an annoying shitbag non-stop), he cannot get any kind of action with the women in town, so, his friends resort to driving Pee Wee to a hillbilly whorehouse in the middle of a swamp that’s ran by a Jabba the Hutt-looking dude called Porky. Surprisingly, things don’t go well. This sparks off an ongoing feud between the dumbass teenagers and the dumbass Porky's gang.

Nowadays, when first-time viewers sit their lazy, non-chiseled buttcheeks down to watch PORKY’S, they’re probably expecting a light-hearted, AMERICAN PIE-style romp about high schoolers goofing off and fingerfucking each other in the hallways between AP Biology and AP English Literature and Composition, but…nope. This shit, while it does have a few funny moments, is way darker than it needs to be. Kinda like the (unneeded) abusive boyfriend storyline in FOOTLOOSE. Most of the darkness is in the form of racism and violence. It’s honestly kinda mind-boggling at how PORKY’S was such a big hit back in ye olde 1981. Maybe it's because was released during a lull in the box office release calendar (pop quiz: you're in high school and going on a date, which new release are you more likely to go see? ON GOLDEN POND, QUEST FOR FIRE, MISSING, CHARIOTS OF FIRE or PORKY'S? ) or maybe audiences just enjoyed tasteless racist, bigoted, homophobic humor more back in the 1980’s. Probably a little bit of both.

Medium pace, a few (overrated) nude scenes, like maybe three scenes that are actually kinda funny, lots of depressing subjects played off as funny, dedicated acting by a strong cast, lots of vintage cars, cool looking vintage clothing and fashions, (as far as I can remember) not one single scene that actually took place inside a classroom (or even a school hallway), unfunny pranks. Overall, if you're interested in the origins of old ancient Tits & Ass comedies of the 1980's, then you don't have a choice but to check out PORKY'S. It's mandatory viewing, even if it's cringe and dated as fuck. 

One dumb idea I had after re-watching PORKY'S for this review is it'd be amusing if somebody made a completely humorless and deadly serious, 4 hour legal drama about the consequences of all the laws broken in this film. Still called it PORKY'S 2, but instead of whatever PORKY'S 2 is actually about (I cannot remember), instead have the students and Porky's gang arrested and then face (probably) years in prison for dynamiting a bridge, multiple assaults, multiple counts of indecency, destroying a police car and badly damaging a second, demolishing an entire building with people inside it, etc. Also, in the super serious courthouse scenes, the Prosecution shows scenes from the movie as evidence. With nobody ever questioning how that can even be. How strange it is to be anything at all.

PORKY'S reboot idea: Pee Wee isn't as annoying as he is in the original, zero racist bullshit, zero scenes or reference to a whorehouse (have "Porky's" be a local mom & pop video store where people hang out in the parking lot and inside the store), zero creepy sex crime shower peeping, a more diverse cast, preferably cast members who actually look less than 30, way more nudity, more high school drama, way more cheerleaders, way more nudity (both male and female and anything else), an awesome soundtrack, at least 40% of the characters gay and / or trans, multiple scenes taking place during the Friday night Main Street car cruising traffic jam and since it's set in 1981 there should be at least one video store customer complaining that THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW isn't on VHS or laserdisc yet. (1990 and 1992, in case you're curious)

Part 2 - Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
Part 3 - Porky's Revenge! (1985)

GHOSTBUSTERS (1984)

"Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!"

New York City, 1984. Three Paranormal Studies professors at Columbia University get a call that there’s a ghost lurking in the basement of the New York Public Library. Usually calls like this end up being nothing, but this time around, they encounter an actual real ghost! So, uhhh, what do they do now? They never thought this far ahead.

It would be difficult to talk about popular American Cinema of the 1980’s and not mention GHOSTBUSTERS. I was just a sexy little kid back in 1984, but I remember straight tripping balls over GHOSTBUSTERS! (And GREMLINS, since they were both released on the same day.) The story, the special effects, the music, the fucking demon dogs. It was all so...cool! And strangely enough, watching it again for this review, the movie still holds up. Yeah, it’s obviously dated (and younger generations would probably shit all over it), but for the most part it’s a totally watchable and enjoyable film.

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria, a giant Slor, an outstanding cast all knocking out legendary performances, many quotable lines, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood but lots of slime, lots of cool-looking ghosts, a giant Twinkie, a pissed off marshmallow, a rocket ship pace that makes me wish the movie was longer, tons of iconic scenes, awesome New York City locations and sets (I love the few scenes at the NYC Library, so badass!), real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound, a great theme song (that seems to sound a lot like Huey Lewis and the News), a man with no dick and, if that’s not enough for you…the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants! I doubt there’s anything I can say about GHOSTBUSTERS that hasn’t already been said a billion times before, so if you haven’t seen it, just watch it. Especially if bustin’ makes you feel good. If nothing else, it’s a great example of impressive editing and storytelling. The movie just flows with no slow parts. It’s always moving forward.

[Post- review comment: I remember on the week that GHOSTBUSTERS came out on VHS (October, 1985), I went to my local Hastings and when I walked around the corner to the New Release section, there was like 300 VHS copies of GHOSTBUSTERS taking up and entire wall! It was so fucking rad. What a stupid, worthless piece of shit child I was to not have a smart phone on me to take a picture with. No wonder my family hated me so much.]

Part 2 - Ghostbusters II (1989)
Part 3 - Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021)
Part 4 - Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)
Reboot 1 - Ghostbusters (2016)