ANACONDA (1997)

A sweaty group of nerds take a boat down the Amazon River in order to make a documentary about a long-lost indigenous Amazonian tribe.  Along the way, they make the wise choice of picking up a hitchhiker. This dude immediately starts talking hella mad shit.  Then before you can ask “How the fuck has HBO still not discovered Robert McCammon?”, there’s a big ass computer-generated snake floating around eating people.

I remember seeing ANACONDA in the theater back in 1997 and being severely disappointed at how bland, weak and soulless it was. It hasn’t gotten any better with age.  Zero blood, zero gore, zero nudity, zero tension.  Just a bunch of actors running around some crappy-looking boat collecting a paycheck.  The idea of a large killer snake hunting humans is ripe with entertaining possibilities, but none of them are present here.

For some misguided reason I thought it would be fun to revisit ANACONDA for a review. Maybe I was too young to enjoy it back in 1997?  Maybe it’d be fun to giggle at?  Nope. Instead, I just sat there dumbfounded that it was even worse than I remember it being. Shit script, Danny Trejo’s name in the opening credits even though he dies during the opening scene and only has around 1:22 minutes of screentime, bland colours, bland acting, bland cinematography, bland action scenes, bland special effects, bland dialogue…you know what?  Fuck this movie, fuck this review.  I’ve already wasted too much time on this stinky bowel movement. Watch it if you want, maybe you and your friends will get some laughs out of it. Just don’t expect a good movie.

[Note: As I was proofreading this review, I noticed that today is April 11 and ANACONDA was released 26 years ago today on April 11, 1997. Happy birthday, you boring piece of fuck.]

Part 2 - Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
Part 3 - Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)
Part 4 - Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)
Part 5 - Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (2011)

[Update 08/24/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

I think I smiled the entire movie.

I don't want to tell you too much since the most exciting part of the film is having the wonderfully delicious story unfold, so I'll just say that Gil Pender (Owen Wilson) is a successful but unhappy Hollywood screenwriter. He's on a vacation in Paris with his self-centered fiancee Inez (Rachel McAdams) and her constantly belittling parents. He believes that if they move to Paris the beauty and cultural history of the city will inspire him to write the great novel that he feels is inside him. Rachel doesn't want to hear any of this and thinks that he's being stupid. As bad luck would have it they run into some friends of Inez's and this one dude, Paul, is a complete pseudo-intellectual asshole. He believes that he's an expert on fucking everything! He even gets in an argument with a tour guide at a museum! Gil senses that Inez sees Paul as vastly intellectually superior to Gil, like when Gil tries to interrupt Paul Inez shushes him and says "Gil, just pay attention. You might learn something.". Anyway, after yet another torturous evening of listening to Paul drone on and on about how brilliant he is, a very frustrated Gil goes for a walk. He's so deep in thought he ends up getting lost...and then at the stroke of midnight something magical happens.

I loved this movie and it was such a delight to see Woody back in his old form. I enjoyed it so much that I watched it twice!  As of right now MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is the best movie that I've seen from 2011. Highly recommended.