10 CLOVERFIELD LANE (2016)

Meh.

Well, the good news is Mary Elizabeth Winstead didn't get kidnapped by Dr. Heiter from THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE.  The bad news is the guy (John Goodman) she did get kidnapped by is almost as equally insane. Unfortunately for the viewer though, this is a major studio release so naturally it's rated PG-13 and neutered as fuck.

The emasculated fun begins with Mary being run off the road and then waking up shackled in a basement.  I like where this is going!  Soon enough though, the already low amount of suspense drops to nothing when Mary and this other dude simply accept their being held captive by fruitcake Goodman.  You see, according to Goodman, there's been a worldwide disaster and he's "saving their lives" by holding them captive down in his underground bunker.  No television, no internet, no emergency broadcast radio signals, not even a goddamn periscope!  No proof at all (except for one predictable scene with highly convenient timing).  Things proceed in a predictable manner...well, for the entire movie.

Mediocre pace, okay acting, zero mystery, crap ending, zero gore, zero nudity, mild cussing, promising premise that goes nowhere.  I was actually excited when I sat down to watch this film, but as the it dragged on and on and hit every single predictable story point, my excitement faded into disappointment.  John Goodman and Mary Elizabeth Winstead both deserve better than this.  Worth a watch, I guess, if you're easily impressed, really bored and have zero imagination.

Same universe - Cloverfield (2008)
Same universe - The Cloverfield Paradox (2018)

Is this a reference to "Left 4 Dead"?

PRETTY IN PINK

CLOVERFIELD (2008)

I hope I'm not spoiling this for anybody when I say the entire film is presented in a "found footage" format. I didn't know it was going to be that way, but after my initial "Are you fucking kidding me?!" reaction I settled into the movie and found it to be rather entertaining. I'm not a fan of the whole "shaky-as-fuck" camerawork, so thankfully the filmmakers had the good sense to keep that garbage to a minimum.

The footage belongs to a group of yuppie douchers who are throwing a surprise party for a fellow doucher. Things go as expected with some partying and drinking and people going "Wooo!", but then enters the extremely hot chick that the main doucher is secretly in love with and that was a brilliant move because suddenly I forgot all about the fact that this is a monster movie and as I'm focusing all my attention on this nerd pining away over the hot chick when suddenly there's a violent boom. Party goers freak out and run up to the roof right in time to see a large explosion in the distant. Flaming debris starts raining down on them, so they retreat down to the streets and that's when all Hell breaks loose.

The main doucher and a few of his friends go off on foot trying to figure out a way to get out of town when suddenly he gets a message from the hot chick saying that she's injured and trapped in her apartment on the 39th floor of a building a few streets over...right exactly where all the action is going on. So now they have to fight their way against the traffic, a growing military presence and a gigantic monster to save this chick with the killer body. And trust me, this chick is hot enough that it's worth it. I'd fight a horde of zombie ratpires any day of the fucking week for this chick. I might even consider watching a Will Smith mov...nah, never mind, she's not that hot.

I liked the film, but I doubt that I'll ever watch it again. I really wish the main characters had been more likeable and their characters developed more at the beginning so that way when the violence broke out I would have actually given a fuck as to who lived or died. As it was, I just wanted everybody on screen to die as violently as possible. Also the pace. Think about ALIENS. It starts out slow, builds the characters then when the actions hits it's an nonstop assault of violence that barely even gives the audience a chance to catch their breath. More filmmakers should take lesson from early James Cameron films.

Anyway, entertaining film, minor blood, zero gore, zero nudity, good for a single viewing but after you see what all the mystery and hype is about I really can't see any reason to revisit it.

Same universe - 10 Cloverfield Land (2016)
Same universe - The Cloverfield Paradox (2018)

KING KONG.

THEM.

THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS.

Kinda looks like a ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK poster.

SUPER 8 (2011)

SUPER 8 is the story about some small town kids back in 1979 who are out one night filming a zombie movie. During the middle of shooting a scene near a train station, some maniac rams his truck head on into into a fast-moving military freight train. The truck explodes into a fireball and the train derails all over the joint. Somehow, all of the kids survive the disaster without any injuries. Afterwards, they're stumbling around the wreckage when they find the driver of the truck alive! He tells them to get out of here and to never talk about what they saw or else them and their parents will be killed. That scares the shit out of the kids, so they skedaddle and keep the fact they were there a secret.

Almost instantly, the military arrives and locks the town down and starts an intense investigation into the wreck and the now missing cargo. At the same time, all of the dogs in town run away and random people start disappearing. What's going on?! Something cool I hope and not something extremely simple and boring that we've already seen a million times before...well, you're out of luck. It's exactly what you think it is and nothing new or clever happens at all. In fact, it's kinda lame.

Technically the film was fine. Even with the rampant lens flare bullshit, the film looks good and the actors where all impressive. Going into the movie I was hoping for an engaging story built around strong characters, instead I got a watered down story build around predictable characters.

Worth watching, it is a good time waster, but I was really hoping for something...more. If you need me, I'll be in my room reading Robert McCammon's "Boy's Life" while watching Stranger Things.