Monday, May 31, 2010

SEEDPEOPLE (1992)

Mixing 90% INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, 15% CRITTERS 2, 12% "The Tommyknockers" and 4% "The Colour Out of Space", SEEDPEOPLE is the interesting at first and then boring for a long time story about a small secluded town that is suddenly taken over by seeds from outer space that's turning the locals into some sort of alien creatures.

Slow pace, poor writing, way too much talking, poor special effects, lame music, average acting, below average photography.  It's pretty goddamn shitty, but there are a few snappy lines thrown in. My favorites: "What in the ding-dong-heck-a-ma doodle-hell is going on here?", "That stuff's stronger than five tons of monkey piss!" and "Plants are the most cunning and savage of all life forms!"

If you are extremely bored it's worth a watch, but don't expect too much.

Friday, May 28, 2010

ZOMBABIES (2008)

I don't know if this was a student film or what, but 9 minutes is the perfect length for it. Actually 5 would have been better. Maybe 2 1/2.

Shot entirely on makeshift props and green screen, an annoying yenta is 5 hours late for her daycare job looking after babies. She promptly plants all the children in front of a television and then retires to the kitchen to smoke some weed. She calls the guy she one night standed the night before to ask his name and to see if he's interested in coming over for some pussy. While he's on his way over the babies turn into zombies by means of a television/cell phone spread virus and they attack him as soon as he walks in the door. The yenta walks in, rips the head off of one baby then uses another to break the glass on the emergency chainsaw (hardy-har-har). She then kills some of the babies with the chainsaw. The End.

If this was a YouTube video I would have never even finished it, but since it came all professional looking in a fancy DVD case I was fooled into thinking this was a full-length movie and even paid $2.75 to rent it. Baby buttfucking Jesus, I got ripped off!!!!

I cannot think of any reason whatsoever to watch this movie. Skip it with a vengeance.
Where did the case go?

The emergency chainsaw case is not on the wall.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

GOTH (2008)

Why was this movie made? When I saw this DVD titled GOTH sitting on the shelf in the New Releases Japan section at my local video store I nearly lost my mind. A horror movie about Japanese Goth Girls!!!! That's gotta be the greatest idea of all time! Sadly though there are no goths at all in this movie. WTF? It's just a lame murder mystery about a serial killer who's chopping off normal girl's left hand and leaving the corpses in artistic settings. Interesting idea, but the lame part comes when a emotionless teenage boy teams up with an emotionless teenage girl to study (not catch) the murderer. Somehow within just a few days they've got more clues than the police including the murderers personal notebook/diary that details everything...even the location of a corpse that hasn't been discovered yet!!! Give me a fucking break!

Anyway, [SPOILERS!!!] they find out who the killer is and don't do shit. In the end the girl tells the boy about how she had a twin sister who died in a morbid suicide game they used to play when they were little. OK.

[End of SPOILERS!!!]Skip this movie. It's boring, the story ultimately goes nowhere and the actors are all lifeless. Worst of all is the overcontrast way the entire movie was shot. I hated it. I'm not sure what the director was going for, but he failed.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

THE SIEGE OF FIREBASE GLORIA (1989)

[Update 10/02/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

R. Lee Ermey is a Sgt. Maj. in charge of a squad of soldiers. While on patrol they go to a village they've visited many times before and even befriended the locals. When they walk in they find out everybody's dead. Most have had their heads cut off and rammed on stakes, the children are in a big pile and a bunch of the women have been raped. This angers Ermey so they go off looking for answers and end up killing a bunch of undercover VC. After that they head to their destination: Firebase Gloria. It's just a series of trenches on top of a small hill, but they have to protect it...from the 2,000 plus enemy soldiers that's barreling down on them!

I have no idea how accurate any of this movie is, but it seemed pretty accurate to me. Either way it's a good movie and my only complaint was the budget was too low. More money would have made the action scenes a little bit better.

If you can find a copy I say check it out! R Lee is worth the price of admission alone! He even tells a guy he's gonna to step on his dick.

Monday, May 24, 2010

THE MONOLITH MONSTERS (1957)

[Update 06/14/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

This was on the same DVD as THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN and I actually liked it better. It's definitely an original idea: a meteor crashes in the desert and explodes into a million pieces. When the pieces get wet they start growing and growing until they turn into giant towers and fall over exploding into a thousand pieces and all of those pieces do the same thing. Also, if you happen to touch one of the rocks that's gotten wet it'll suck all of the moisture out of your body and turn you into rock! Yikes!

For a B-level sci-fi thriller this was a pretty fun movie. The acting is over the top and the music is way too dramatic, but that's what makes it so much fun. If you like 50's sci-fi then you definitely need to check out THE MONOLITH MONSTERS. My biggest complaint is not enough people turned into stone.

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN (1957)

A man, while out on his boat, passes through a strange mist. A few months later he notices that his clothes are too big and he's lost weight. He goes to the doctor and yep: he's shrinking!!!  Happens all the time.  At first it's not too bad, but soon he's only a few inches tall, so he moves into a doll house. He stupid wife accidentally lets a cat in and it attacks him. He manages to escape, by falling off the basement stairs into a pile of clothes, but when his wife sees his bloody shirt and the cat licking it's paws she automatically assumes that he's dead.  He wakes up in the basement and since he's only a few inches tall it's like he's on a alien planet. Soon he starts to get hungry, so he starts searching for food and hopefully a way out.

This is a very interesting premise for a movie, but it's just too slow. I'm sure back in 1957 this movie was thrilling the shit out of audiences, but watching it now I found it to be a little boring. The spider scene was great though!

Worth watching, but don't expect too much.
Buttsecked by a giant spider?