Monday, May 31, 2010

SEEDPEOPLE (1992)

Mixing 90% INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, 15% CRITTERS 2, 12% "The Tommyknockers" and 4% "The Colour Out of Space", SEEDPEOPLE is the interesting at first and then boring for a long time story about a small secluded town that is suddenly taken over by seeds from outer space that's turning the locals into some sort of alien creatures.

Slow pace, poor writing, way too much talking, poor special effects, lame music, average acting, below average photography.  It's pretty goddamn shitty, but there are a few snappy lines thrown in. My favorites: "What in the ding-dong-heck-a-ma doodle-hell is going on here?", "That stuff's stronger than five tons of monkey piss!" and "Plants are the most cunning and savage of all life forms!"

If you are extremely bored it's worth a watch, but don't expect too much.

Friday, May 28, 2010

ZOMBABIES (2008)

I don't know if this was a student film or what, but 9 minutes is the perfect length for it. Actually 5 would have been better. Maybe 2 1/2.

Shot entirely on makeshift props and green screen, an annoying dork is 5 hours late for her daycare job looking after babies. She promptly plants all the children in front of a television and then retires to the kitchen to smoke some weed. She calls the guy she one night standed the night before to ask his name and to see if he's interested in coming over for some pussy. While he's on his way over the babies turn into zombies by means of a television/cell phone spread virus and they attack him as soon as he walks in the door. The dork walks in, rips the head off of one baby then uses another to break the glass on the emergency chainsaw (hardy-har-har). She then kills some of the babies with the chainsaw. The End.

If this was a YouTube video I would have never even finished it, but since it came all professional looking in a fancy DVD case I was fooled into thinking this was a full-length movie and even paid $2.75 to rent it. Baby buttfucking Jesus, I got ripped off!!!!

I cannot think of any reason whatsoever to watch this movie. Skip it with a vengeance.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

GOTH (2008)

Two high school students (a girl and a boy) become obsessed with a local serial killer. And…that’s about it. The End.

I love movies about serial killers, and I love movies about high schoolers, so a movie about high schoolers stalking a serial killer should have been right up my alley, but GOTH was too slow to keep me interested. Plus, there was zero payoff at the end. It just kinda fizzles out.

I’m sure there’s more to say, but I’ve watched this film like 3 times now and it always just ends up boring me to tears. Skip it.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

THE SIEGE OF FIREBASE GLORIA (1989)

[Update 10/02/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

R. Lee Ermey is a Sgt. Maj. in charge of a squad of soldiers. While on patrol they go to a village they've visited many times before and even befriended the locals. When they walk in they find out everybody's dead. Most have had their heads cut off and rammed on stakes, the children are in a big pile and a bunch of the women have been raped. This angers Ermey so they go off looking for answers and end up killing a bunch of undercover VC. After that they head to their destination: Firebase Gloria. It's just a series of trenches on top of a small hill, but they have to protect it...from the 2,000 plus enemy soldiers that's barreling down on them!

I have no idea how accurate any of this movie is, but it seemed pretty accurate to me. Either way it's a good movie and my only complaint was the budget was too low. More money would have made the action scenes a little bit better.

If you can find a copy I say check it out! R Lee is worth the price of admission alone! He even tells a guy he's gonna to step on his dick.

Monday, May 24, 2010

THE MONOLITH MONSTERS (1957)

[Update 06/14/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

This was on the same DVD as THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN and I actually liked it better. It's definitely an original idea: a meteor crashes in the desert and explodes into a million pieces. When the pieces get wet they start growing and growing until they turn into giant towers and fall over exploding into a thousand pieces and all of those pieces do the same thing. Also, if you happen to touch one of the rocks that's gotten wet it'll suck all of the moisture out of your body and turn you into rock! Yikes!

For a B-level sci-fi thriller this was a pretty fun movie. The acting is over the top and the music is way too dramatic, but that's what makes it so much fun. If you like 50's sci-fi then you definitely need to check out THE MONOLITH MONSTERS. My biggest complaint is not enough people turned into stone.