Monday, May 31, 2010


How much you enjoy SEEDPEOPLE will depend on how many friends you have with you. If you have a few friends then it's gonna be a fucking blast! If you're alone and sober it'll probably suck a stack of duck dicks.

Mixing 90% INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, 15% CRITTERS 2, 12% "The Tommyknockers" and 4% "The Colour Out of Space" SEEDPEOPLE is the exciting at first and then boring for a long time story about a small secluded town that is suddenly taken over by seeds from outer space that's turning the locals into some sort of alien creatures.

It's pretty goddamn shitty, but there are a few snappy lines thrown in. My favorites: "What in the ding-dong-heck-a-ma doodle-hell is going on here?", "That stuff's stronger than five tons of monkey piss!" and "Plants are the most cunning and savage of all life forms!"

If you are extremely bored (or you have friends around!) it's worth a watch, but don't expect too much. Nobody get's naked by the way and that sucks cause the main female was kinda good looking...

Friday, May 28, 2010


I don't know if this was a student film or what, but 9 minutes is the perfect length for it. Actually 5 would have been better. Maybe 2 1/2.

Shot entirely on makeshift props and green screen, an annoying yenta is 5 hours late for her daycare job looking after babies. She promptly plants all the children in front of a television and then retires to the kitchen to smoke some weed. She calls the guy she one night standed the night before to ask his name and to see if he's interested in coming over for some pussy. While he's on his way over the babies turn into zombies by means of a television/cell phone spread virus and they attack him as soon as he walks in the door. The yenta walks in, rips the head off of one baby then uses another to break the glass on the emergency chainsaw (hardy-har-har). She then kills some of the babies with the chainsaw. The End.

If this was a YouTube video I would have never even finished it, but since it came all professional looking in a fancy DVD case I was fooled into thinking this was a full-length movie and even paid $2.75 to rent it. Baby buttfucking Jesus, I got ripped off!!!!

I cannot think of any reason whatsoever to watch this movie. Skip it with a vengeance.
Where did the case go?

The emergency chainsaw case is not on the wall.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

GOTH (2008)

Why was this movie made? When I saw this DVD titled GOTH sitting on the shelf in the New Releases Japan section at my local video store I nearly lost my mind. A horror movie about Japanese Goth Girls!!!! That's gotta be the greatest idea of all time! Sadly though there are no goths at all in this movie. WTF? It's just a lame murder mystery about a serial killer who's chopping off normal girl's left hand and leaving the corpses in artistic settings. Interesting idea, but the lame part comes when a emotionless teenage boy teams up with an emotionless teenage girl to study (not catch) the murderer. Somehow within just a few days they've got more clues than the police including the murderers personal notebook/diary that details everything...even the location of a corpse that hasn't been discovered yet!!! Give me a fucking break!

Anyway, [SPOILERS!!!] they find out who the killer is and don't do shit. In the end the girl tells the boy about how she had a twin sister who died in a morbid suicide game they used to play when they were little. OK.

[End of SPOILERS!!!]Skip this movie. It's boring, the story ultimately goes nowhere and the actors are all lifeless. Worst of all is the overcontrast way the entire movie was shot. I hated it. I'm not sure what the director was going for, but he failed.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


R. Lee Ermey is a Sgt. Maj. in charge of a squad of soldiers. While on patrol they go to a village they've visited many times before and even befriended the locals. When they walk in they find out everybody's dead. Most have had their heads cut off and rammed on stakes, the children are in a big pile and a bunch of the women have been raped out. This angers Ermey so they go off looking for answers and end up killing a bunch of undercover VC. After that they head to their destination: Firebase Gloria. It ain't shit, just a series of trenches on top of a small hill, but they have to protect it...from the 2,000 plus zipperheads that's barreling down on them!

As a young whippersnapper who was nowhere close to even being alive during the Vietnam War, I have no idea how accurate any of this movie is, but it seemed pretty accurate to me. Either way it's a good movie and my only complaint was the budget was too low. More money would have made the action scenes a little bit better.

If you can find a copy I say check it out! R Lee is worth the price of admission alone! He even tells a guy he's gonna to step on his dick. Hahahahaha!!!
R. Lee holding two severed heads!

Hey, it's that guy from "Twin Peaks" and "Six Feet Under"!

Monday, May 24, 2010


This was on the same DVD as THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN and I actually liked it better. It's definitely an original idea: a meteor crashes in the desert and explodes into a million pieces. When the pieces get wet they start growing and growing until they turn into giant towers and fall over exploding into a thousand pieces and all of those pieces do the same thing. Also if you happen to touch one of the rocks that's gotten wet it'll suck all of the moisture out of your body and turn you into rock! Yikes!

For a B level sci-fi thriller this was a pretty fun movie. The acting is over the top and the music is way too dramatic, but that's what makes it so much fun. If you like 50's sci-fi then you definitely need to check out THE MONOLITH MONSTERS. My biggest complaint is not enough people turned into stone.


A man, while out on his boat, passes through a strange mist. A few months later he notices that his clothes are too big and he's lost weight. He goes to the doctor and yep: he's shrinking!!!  Happens all the time.  At first it's not too bad, but soon he's only a few inches tall, so he moves into a doll house. He stupid wife accidentally lets a cat in and it attacks him. He manages to escape, by falling off the basement stairs into a pile of clothes, but when his wife sees his bloody shirt and the cat licking it's paws she automatically assumes that he's dead.  He wakes up in the basement and since he's only a few inches tall it's like he's on a alien planet. Soon he starts to get hungry, so he starts searching for food and hopefully a way out.

This is a very interesting premise for a movie, but it's just too slow. I'm sure back in 1957 this movie was thrilling the shit out of audiences, but watching it now I found it to be a little boring. The spider scene was great though!

Worth watching, but don't expect too much.
Buttsecked by a giant spider?

Sunday, May 23, 2010


Very interesting documentary about the making of NEKROMANTIK, NEKROMANTIK 2 and DER TODESKING. I'm using the term documentary very loosely since all this film actually is is an hour worth of outtakes and footage shot of the sets with audio commentary by Jorg Buttgereit.

My favorite part was the stuff about the original NEKROMANTIK cause that film really did change my life when I saw it for the first time as a teenager. Did you know the cat intestines were actually scrambled eggs painted red?! That's pretty wild. They also used honey in the corpse fucking scene.

Then you got some stuff about DER TODESKING which was just alright. They also showed how they made the time lapse rotting corpse and the dick chopping scene. But the most interesting part, to me, was they actually had even more stories they were going to include in the film, but just didn't, including one about a sad guy who fantasizes about how beautiful and perfect his funeral will be, so he kills himself and only two people show up at his funeral then the gravediggers piss on his coffin. Haha.

Next up was some stuff about NEKROMANTIK 2 and it wasn't very interesting cause I didn't care for the movie much, plus the shitty old VHS tape started fucking up so I couldn't really see what was happening too well.

If you're a fan of Buttgereit or NEKROMANTIK I say it's definitely worth a watch if you can find a copy. I damn sure wouldn't spend much money on it though.


[Review has spoilers, but since I doubt many people will ever get a chance to actually watch I went a little further with the plot description than I normally do.]

The beginning is a little weird with the dude laying naked in a bathtub playing with his own jizz, but once the story started it was better than I expected.

The main dude (I can't remember if he has a name or not) is lonely and longing for a girlfriend. He's a normal looking fellow, but he's awkward and whenever a chick tries to talk to him he starts talking about chickens and doing weird stuff, like acting like a chicken...that'll never get you laid! If they get over his strange behavior their pussy's gonna dry up quick when they get a gander at his art car Volkswagen Beetle that's covered with all kinds of bizarre crap including a mail box, a broken tube television, a globe and paintings of chickens.

One day he's had enough of not getting laid, so it paints his entire body green and drives out to the woods. He attacks a tree stump and then he hears a rooster crowing! Oh boy! He runs off to find the rooster and when he does he also finds a strange looking hippie/wilderness woman. They talk and climb a tree. Then he takes a bath to remove the green paint. He kisses the woman and they hear a gunshot and a bird screeching. The woman runs off and throws pine cones at the guy when he tries to approach her.

Saddened he returns to the city and while out in the street working on his strange car something special happens. The End.

That might sound kinda lame, but for only being 30 minutes long it never outstayed it's welcome. I doubt I'll watch it again, but it's worth watching at least once for those curious enough.  Might make an interesting low-budget double feature with EVEN HITLER HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

Sorry I couldn't post any screenshots (I only had a VHS copy), but here's a clip and a trailer for an art car documentary that Harrod Blank made which features the weird looking Beetle...

Friday, May 21, 2010





I've seen some weird shit in my years of watching movies, but I've never seen anything like what happened with PUBLIC ENEMY 2! In the original the character Chul-jung Kang (played brilliantly by Kyung-gu Sol) was a badass homicide detective who was so fucking wild that he was damn near a gangster himself! He was constantly beating people up, pissing off his supervisor and at one point he even took a shit right on the fucking sidewalk!!! In this horrible sequel there's still a character named Chul-jung Kang, once again played by Kyung-gu Sol, but this time he's a by-the-book public prosecutor! And the story has nothing to do with this first movie! What the Hell is going on here?! It's bullshit!

I rented this movie, very excited to see a bigger, badder story about Det. Kang kicking even more ass than before, but that doesn't happen. The only way I can describe it to you is imagine if when they released LETHAL WEAPON 2, Mel Gibson wasn't some crazy cop, but instead he's Perry Mason! That's what happened here.

What's even weirder is the guy who directed Part 1 is the same guy who directed this shitty sequel. Very strange. Fuck this movie, it's fucking horrible and what's even worse is it's 148 minutes long!!!! WTF? Even as a stand alone movie it's boring and overlong.

I disliked this movie so much I didn't even want to waste time taking screenshots. I did take one though cause it was the dude who played the principal in LOVELY RIVALS.

Part 3

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I really dug NEKROMANTIK, but this film made me sleepy. The movie tells the separate stories of a number of people either killing themselves or killing others. Between the stories is a long boring shot of a corpse rotting. That sounds exciting, but it's not.

First off you got a lonely guy doing shit around his apartment for a long time. Then he gets in the bathtub, takes a bunch of stuff and dies. Exciting!

Then (in the highlight of the movie) there's a dude who goes to the video store and rents ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS, except it's not ILSA instead it's a really low budget film about some Nazi's who cut a dude's penis off (on screen!!!) and then smear a swastika on his chest in his own blood. The guy's girlfriend comes home while he's watching the movie and he immediately shoots her in the head splattering her brains all over the wall. He puts a empty picture frame on the wall around her brain particles then hangs himself. OK?

Next there's a lonely guy sitting on a bench. A woman sits down and the dude starts whining like a bitch about his life. The woman pulls out a gun, the dude takes it and shoots himself in the head. Yawn.

Long slow shot of a bridge with subtitles of people's names. WTF?

Woman looking out the window of her apartment sees two lovers below. She stops watching and eats some candy instead then falls asleep and dreams of a child (her?) watching people hump. We then see the two lovers from earlier in bed covered in blood. Uhh?

Woman with gun kills people at a concert. Somebody kills her. I don't give a shit.

Man bangs his head into a wall a bunch. I know the feeling.

Other than curiosity, there is absolutely no reason to watch this film. I like Buttgereit's style of film making, but you must have a story. I know he was going for something, but instead of having seven unfocused stories it would have been better off if he'd concentrated on say like three strong stories instead. That's my two cents.

Watch it if you want, I don't give a shit if you want to waste your time, but don't come bitching at me when you get bored. Skip it.

Monday, May 17, 2010


If you're standing on top of a skyscraper looking up at a tidal wave, you're fucked.

The citizens of Haeundae are living their normal lives: working, sunbathing, eating, shopping, getting drunk at baseball games, hooking up with hot chicks. But little do they know a mega-tsunami could happen at any moment! Earthquake expert, Dr. Kim, keeps warning the government about the risk of a mega-tsunami, but nobody listens until it's too late. When will they ever learn?!!!

It's over an hour into the film before the disaster strikes. The special effects are a little cheesy and the sad scenes are so predictable that you'll end up laughing instead of crying, but I still enjoyed it. Mainly because it was so over the top. Sadly though the disaster stuff only lasts for probably 30 minutes. The rest of the time is wasted on boring, unlikable characters that I really didn't care if they lived or died. I was especially disappointed in Kyung-gu Sol's character. I just recently discovered him in PUBLIC ENEMY and was excited to see what he would do in a more mainstream film, but I got excited for nothing cause he sucked.

My favorite scene was when the giant cargo ship exploded and shot out a bunch of cargo containers into the sides of buildings like they were cannonballs!

Good for a rent and more enjoyable than 2012, but just barely.
The general from HEAVEN'S SOLDIERS.