LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)

Divided up into numerous smaller stories, LOVE ACTUALLY insults any human who possesses empathy and/or an IQ above room temperature with multiple vomitous, I mean, romantic tales about love.  For example: a woman is recently married and then when she discovers that her husband’s best friend likes her, she cheats on her husband with the best friend.  How romantic!  In another story, a husband is cheating on his wife and only after his heartbroken wife confronts him about it does he admit that he is a fool.  Too late now motherfucker!  In yet another heartstring tugger, a man catches his wife and his brother fucking, so he rebounds by seducing his non-English speaking housekeeper.  Wow.  That’s lovely.

The cast is very impressive and the acting is fine, but this movie can go straight fuck itself.  I hate the way it’s filmed, the musical cues for the intellectually stunted are insulting and the overall message is absolute rubbish.  If your marketing campaign is about how the movie is super romantic, then maybe have the film feature characters who are emotionally evolved enough to actually be honest with each other.  I’d rather be alone forever than get tricked into a relationship with a dishonest, soulless, weak-minded, chickenshit cheating sack of shit. Go feed yourself more lies.

Years ago I had the supreme misfortune to meet one subhuman in particular who thought this movie was actually romantic. She ended up having the personality of a war criminal and the morals of a tomcat who enjoys raping kittens to death, so maybe LOVE ACTUALLY is a good test to see if a person is a vile inhuman piece of shit or not.

THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN (1995)

Not to be confused with The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Human Centipede, THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN is the delightful fictional story of two English cartographers (Hugh Grant and Ian McNeice) who, in 1917, travel to the small village of Ffynnon Garw (in Wales) to measure a large hill. The hill is a matter of great pride to the local residents who proudly boast that the hill is the “first mountain in Wales”. Grant and McNeice regretfully inform them that the hill must first measure taller than 1,000 feet before it can officially be declared a mountain. This sets off an stirring series of events that will change the lives those involved forever.

As far as the “simple life in a small country village” subgenre goes, TEWWUAHBCDAM is pretty good. It has a strong cast and a fantastic story idea, but at the end of the day, it’s still lacking. Mainly due to the shoehorned romantic subplot that seems extremely forced. It also doesn’t help that the female love interest (for Grant’s character) isn’t even introduced until 43 minutes into the movie! (Remember: the end credits start at 93 minutes.) Also, while Tara Fitzgerald is a fine actress, her character has very little to work with here.  It's almost like the romance subplot was tossed in at the last moment. TEWWUAHBCDAM would have been better if either...the romantic stuff was dropped completely and replaced with more of the funny adventures of the villagers trying to prevent the cartographers from leaving (which I though was the highlight of the film) or beefed up and introduced much earlier in the story. That complaint shouldn’t keep you from watching the film though. As it is, THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN is still a delightful little film that will brighten your day.

A few other things of note: (1) The standout performance by Kenneth Griffith as the local Reverend who got himself in the middle of everything. He was goddamn fantastic and stole every scene he was in. (2) The lack of screentime for Ian McNeice. He’s a great actor and his character was interesting. Not sure why he didn’t have a bigger role. (3) The landscape in this film was absolutely gorgeous. (4) There should totally be a remake of this film. Maybe with Martin Clunes and Ian McNeice as the two cartographers? That'd be funny for us Doc Martin fans.