ILSA, THE WICKED WARDEN (1977)

Just like THE THIN MAN series before it, the ILSA series went out with a shit. A giant, smelly turd square on the face of its fans.

Once again, Ilsa is back and this time she's running a private hospital for women with sexual problems. Sounds like a noble cause, but unfortunately instead of helping these women Ilsa is filming snuff, torture and rape films and selling them to some sleazy dude.

As thrilling as that might sound, it's a absolute bore. Nothing Ilsa does to these girls is as painful as sitting through this movie. Every single one of you buttholes reading this review should send me $666 apiece for saving you the time and anguish of watching this bowel movement. I probably would have had more fun watching The Spice Girls movie. What?! You don't believe me? OK smartypants I'm putting the Spice Girls movie at the top of my Netflix queue right now. We'll see which one of these movies gives me more pain: ILSA 4 or SPICE WORLD.

A woman's sister disappears after entering Ilsa's home for wayward girls so she goes undercover and admits herself in hopes of rescuing her sister. Things go bad right from the start when she's immediately brutalized, beaten and even forced to lick another prisoner's doodie-crusted butthole. Naturally, as with all women's prison movies, the tables turn and the women rampage the shit out of everything at the end. Yawn.

Not a single female in this movie is even mildly attractive. Just look at these NSFW screenshots if you don't believe me. And even worse than the ugly chicks is the pace. The entire movie I was praying for something interesting to happen, but it never did. Skip the fuck out of this stinker and never look back.

Part 1 - Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Part 2 - Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)
Part 3 - Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia (1977)

ILSA, THE TIGRESS OF SIBERIA (1977)

I remember back when I was a professional assassin I executed thousands, maybe millions, of people but never once did I fill a waterbed with gasoline and shoot a red hot dart into it. Come to think of it, I never converted an egg beater into a penis-grinder either. Goddamn it Ilsa, you win again!!!

ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS is, of course, the best of the Ilsa series and TIGRESS OF SIBERIA is my second favorite. The other two weren't as imaginative. This time around, the film opens at a Siberian prison camp in 1953. Ilsa is the boss and during the day she tortures/kills the prisoners in horrible ways (electrocution, ice water, man-eating tiger, chainsaw arm wrestling, head-crushing with huge hammer, etc.), then at night she had the guards fight over her and the two winners get to fuck her and her fat tits. The losers are then pretty much raped by the unattractive female guards.

When Stalin is killed, the guards burn the camp (with all the prisoners locked inside) and split. Jump forward to Canada in 1977 and Ilsa is running a whorehouse. The women are held captive with the thanks of Ilsa's brainwashing techniques. Then one day, a prisoner who escaped the Siberian torture camp alive walks in the door of Ilsa's whorehouse. Ilsa kidnaps him and starts torturing him again. With the help of her high-tech fear-monitoring computer she discovers that his biggest fear is having Ilsa bite his dick off...Yikes! You'll just have to see for yourself what happens next.

NSFW posters

Part 1 - Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Part 2 - Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)
Part 4 - Wanda, the Wicked Warden (1977)

ILSA, HAREM KEEPER OF THE OIL SHEIKS (1976)

Well, it didn't take long for the ILSA series to shit the bed. This follow-up to the classic SHE-WOLF OF THE SS finds Ilsa in an parallel universe where she is now living in the Middle East as the assistant to a ruthless oil sheik who likes to kidnap "attractive" females from all over the world and have his way with them.

The over-the-top craziness and campiness of the SHE WOLF is gone. Instead it looks like they were just trying to make a quick cash in on the popularity of the first film. In the opening scene, a helicopter drops off some crates holding three new additions to the sheik's harem. They are quickly explained the rules and then taught the art of licking and massage. At the same time, the sheik is auctioning off some of his older, worn out slaves while at the same time entertaining some American dignitaries (one is even tricked into eating a human eyeball). This one American dude must have a Merlin cock or something because he instantly seduces Ilsa and causes all kinds of trouble in the once peaceful household.

The script for SHE WOLF was actually good, whereas this one is just boring. The story just seemed like a bunch of scenes slapped together with no real continuity. It would have been better if the story had concentrated on one new slave girl and told her story for the entire movie instead of jumping around all over the joint.

If you're really bored then it's good for a one time watch.

NSFW screenshots.

Part 1 - Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Part 3 - Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia (1977)
Part 4 - Wanda, the Wicked Warden (1977)