DON JUAN DEMARCO (1994)

DON JUAN DEMARCO is a delightful, little movie about a young man (Johnny Depp) who thinks that he is a direct descendent of the legendary (and fictional) Don Juan.  He is committed to an mental institution for a 10-day review after he tries to commit suicide.  His doctor (Marlon Brando) is very close to retirement and kinda of depressed about his career coming to an end, but once he gets to hanging around Depp and listening to all of his fantastical stories about being raised and a small Mexican village and all of his sexual conquests he starts to see the true beauty in life.

I really enjoyed the idea of DJD.  The first hour was great, but towards the end it kinda runs out of steam.  Even with the disappointingly "Ehhh." ending it's still a nice film to watch on a rainy afternoon.  Good acting by Depp, Brando looking like he weighs about 500 pounds, Bryan Adams' "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?", Faye Dunaway kind of wasted with a forgettable role, plenty of smiles. 

I'm not a 100% sure why, but for some reason this film reminds me of HARVEY.

PRIVATE RESORT (1985)

Cinematic curiosity thanks to it being the first lead role of Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow and the see-through topless scene of POLICE ACADEMY's Sgt. Callahan.  Other than that, it's pretty lame.

Two young men (Rob Morrow and Johnny Depp) stay at a private resort for 4 days hoping to get a little action.  They get some action, but they also get involved with a jewel theft who happens to be after a large diamond that belongs to Depp's female friend's grandmother.  That's right, her grandmother is also staying at the private resort...so, of course, that leads to Depp claiming that he's a doctor.  That lie could've lead to some amusing scenes, but after he says it, it's instantly forgotten.  Instead, most of the plot revolves around the two guys interaction with the jewel thief.  Example: his wife likes them; one of them accidentally cuts his hair; they sneak into his room; when one of them is dressed up like a woman, he tries to pick her up, etc.  Really funny stuff.

Badly written story filled with unfunny humor (example: while a psycho is shooting up a restaurant an overweight girl eats all of her friend's food.  Hardy-har-har!), mildly interesting nudity, the resort location is never really laid out, Emily Longstreth looking cute, brain-fried punk, 80's fashions, horrible music, awesome poster.  Compared to most mid-80's sex comedies, PRIVATE RESORT is a little bit below average mainly due to the lack of any standout topless scenes and zero laughs.  There wasn't even any of the "so stupid it's funny" stuff that's in a lot of these movies.  Skip it.

The only smile I got from the entire movie was this guys strut.

Hey, it's ol' girl from EVIL LAUGH.

DARK SHADOWS (2012)

Johnny Depp plays a dude who back in 1760-something ran afoul of a witch (because he loved another woman) so she killed the woman, turned him into a vampire and locked him in a coffin.  Fast-forward 200 years and the witch is now running a fish cannery in the same town.  Some construction workers come across Depp's coffin.  He promptly kills them all then heads to his family home.  They still live there, so he moves in and sets to restoring his family to their former glory.  But before he can do that he first has to deal with the psychotic witch that is still in love with him.

I've never seen the TV show, so I have no idea what purists think, but the movie was alright.  On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd give it a solid 5.  The first half of the film is kind of funny in a fish-out-of-water/ AUSTIN POWERS kind of way, but then in the last act everything gets too serious.  Is this suppose to be comedy or a serious movie with comedy elements?  I have no idea.  There's funny stuff, but then innocent people get murdered and a dad leaves his son and a house gets burned down.  Then suddenly out of nowhere one of the characters turns into a half-werewolf for no reason at all.  What the fuck?  

Attractive females all over the joint, Alice Cooper cameo, Carpenters "Top of the World" montage, 70's humor, coffin jokes, Burton stylized sets and visuals, I wanted to like DARK SHADOWS and I did like pieces of it, but as a whole it's too unfocused.  Worth a one time watch, but that's it.