TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION (1994)

I saw TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION in the theater when it originally came out and the main thing I remember is the audience laughing loudly at the movie...hard.  It was a lot of fun.

The story opens with a high school girl (Renee Zellweger) going to her prom then quickly leaving with three other students and getting lost on a dirt road.  They wreck their car and soon find themselves being terrorized and held captive some unfrightening dorks.  The leader of these dorks is Matthew McConaughey.  He has a leg brace on one leg that's controlled by a remote control.  It also makes whirring noises when he moves.  It's really funny.  The End.

Alright.  There's actually more to the movie than Matthew McConaughey's leg noises, but not much.  The story is weird because it's basically the same story as the original film, except that it takes place in some bizarre parallel universe where things are lamer, suckier and more boring.  Also in the original film Leatherface was terrifying as fook, but in this film Leatherface is about as scary as the Hamburglar.  He also screams almost non-stop, which is kinda funny.

Zero scares, zero nudity, lots of talking, stupid people everywhere, zero chainsaw deaths(!!!), Mr. Spottish stepping on it, terrible 90's rock music playing during the chase scenes, Leatherface chainsawing down a brick smokestack, Grandpa literally just standing up and walking off in the middle of the movie...never to be see again, a dueling remote control battle over McConaughey's leg, some unexplained sadist in a limousine, a mysterious crop duster appearance, the shortest car chase in movie history and the highlight of the film: cameos by three of the original cast members.  That was really cool.

Not a bad film, just a strange one.  In the right frame of mind it can be really funny.  Hell, it might actually be a comedy.

Part 1 - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Part 2 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Part 3 - Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)
Reboot 1 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Reboot prequel - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
Reboot sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
Prequel - Leatherface (2017)
Direct sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

Marilyn "Sally Hardesty" Burns

John "Grandpa Sawyer" Dugan

Paul "Franklin Hardesty" Partain

LEATHERHEADS (2008)

[Update 07/21/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Where's the football? The tagline for the film is "In the beginning, the rules where simple. There weren't any." Now, maybe I'm just being overly imaginative, but in my mind that tagline plus the DVD cover above creates all kinds of exciting images of rugged, barbarian-type football players charging all over the football field grinding cleats into hands, ripping opponents faces off and crushing testicles. Or maybe a wacky, slapstick comedy with all kinds of silly, Buster Keaton/Harold Lloyd-style tomfoolery going on. But no, instead LEATHERHEADS is a romantic comedy about football...with only maybe 20 minutes of actual football onscreen. And boring football action at that. Hmm.

OK then, well that's disappointing, but let's go ahead and see if it's at least an enjoyable romantic comedy that's romantic and funny. No, it's not. LEATHERHEADS seems like it wants to go multiple directs all at the same time, but actually goes nowhere. It starts off with some football shenanigans about George Clooney playing in a financially collapsing football club, then it switches gears to prune-faced newspaper reporter Renee Zellweger trying to uncover the truth behind the war hero story of football star John Krasinski. These two stories come together when Clooney convinces Krasinski to join his near failure team and Zellweger follows the team on the road under the guise of doing a piece on Krasinski. On top of this is the inevitable love triangle when Clooney and Krasinski both fall for Renee's adorable, snarling puss. But if that's not enough things come to a screeching halt for probably 20 minutes or more when Renee publishes her damning article about Krasinski's war records. Who gives a fuck?!!! Where's the football?

My advise to time-travelers going back in time to rewrite this script: drop the entire war record angle and instead make it about a rugged, hard-living player who has dedicated his life to bringing up the game and right as it's happening, the powers that be starts to push him out to make room for younger, more brash players. You can leave the female reporter (played by Charlize Theron instead) and have her following the younger player, but while doing so she falls in love with the older player.