THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003)

True story: I saw this opening weekend in a very crowded theater in Dallas, TX and right as the movie started a gigantic teenage girl goes thundering down the stairs like a stampeding baby elephant while announcing to the entire world "I GOTZ 2 GO PEEEEE!!!"  I have no idea if she ever accomplished her goal or not because I was probably asleep by the time she returned to the theater.

Soulless remake by the same soulless guy who made the equally soulless FRIDAY THE 13TH remake.  Set in 1973, we're introduced to five twentysomething teenagers returning from a drug run to Mexico.  While driving through the Texas backroads they pick up a hitchhiker.  Things go downhill from there and before you can yawn 666 times they're being terrorized by your average horror movie hillbilly family.  All the standard stuff is here: chainsaw revving, meathook hanging, screaming, mask made out of human skin, interior of house looking like the NIN "Closer" video, predictable story, zero nudity, zero scares, very minor blood, zero gore, annoying characters that cannot die quick enough, mysterious light sources, meaningless dialogue, dripping water, sweaty grinning yokels, etc.

The pace and production values were good enough to keep me from totally falling asleep, but I had absolutely zero interest in who lived or died or even what happened.  Honestly, the best part of the movie was Jessica Biel's tight clothes.  Baby buttfucking Jesus those jeans need to be put on display at the Smithsonian!  World Class Ass aside this reboot is about as mediocre as it gets.  Yawn.

Part 1 - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Part 2 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Part 3 - Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)
Remake/sequel - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
Reboot prequel - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
Reboot sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
Prequel - Leatherface (2017)
Direct sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

THE ROCK (1996)

A disgruntled general and a bunch of military dudes take over Alcatraz Island.  They lock all of the tourists in cells and then threaten to kill everybody in San Francisco with a deadly chemical gas (launched on missiles) unless they get 100 million dollars.  That sounds like the set-up for a fairly entertaining film: highly trained dudes in a highly fortified position, super badass dudes gotta sneak in and rescue the day...but then you see the credit "Directed by Michael Bay" and you know that you're gonna get all of that plus loads of crazy, illogical, fucked-up silliness.  Exotic cars, wailing guitars, explosions on top of other explosions, a ridiculous car chase, people barking orders, manly camera angles, patriotism overload, the Sun, helicopters, military jets...and then you add on Nicholas Cage's patented overacting!!! Wow!  That's a surefire recipe for entertainment.  Entertainment like a motherfucker!!

In order to sneak into Alcatraz, the FBI forcefully recruits escape artist/ex-spy Sean Connery (the only man to have successfully snuck out of Alcatraz) to lead a group of Navy SEALS and FBI chemical weapons nerd Nicholas Cage into "the Rock".

Even all these years later THE ROCK is still an entertaining ride.  Dumb story, impressive cast, fast pace, worried girlfriend looking all worried, Sean Connery channeling James Bond, a runaway coal mine cart chase.  Recommended.

If you think about it, it's kinda funny because Michael Biehn and Ed Harris' roles from THE ABYSS are now reversed: now it's Harris who is the bad guy and Biehn is the good guy. Also, I'm kinda surprised they haven't remade this with Dwayne Johnson in it.