MAN'S BEST FRIEND (1993)

A wannabe investigative reporter (Ally Sheedy), who has the intelligence of a pine cone and the visual observation skills of a blind mole-rat, illegally breaks into a genetic research facility to see what’s poppin’ up n dat bish. Turns out the scientists are creating the ultimate guard dog that has the most ultimate traits of all the most ultimate critters. Including, but not limited to, the camouflaging skills of a chameleon, the tree climbing skills of a jaguar, the biting power of a ratpire, the rabid psychosis of an overweight early 2000’s pre-dawn Black Friday shopper and the acidic urine of a Wookalar. Naturally, she takes this bloodthirsty killing machine home. The evil scientist (Lance Henriksen) who created the killer beast wants his puppy back. Aww.

For a low-budget, early 1990’s killer dog movie, MAN’S BEST FRIEND is alright and definitely watchable, but there isn’t enough happening to keep the viewer fully invested. First off, the large corporation tracking down the killer dog is literally just Lance Henriksen! No secondary dogs or evil henchmen. Nope. Just ol’ Lance and his goofy, ill-fitted jacket. Secondly, the killer dog is an asshole. I can’t root for a psychotic dog who kills an innocent cat and a caged bird. Not to mention, he rapes another dog. It’d be one thing if he was going around killing various criminals and evil scientists, but he’s murdering innocent people just trying to live their lives. Thirdly, Ally Sheedy’s character is just so weak and dumb. She’s the anti-Ellen Ripley. The vast majority of the deaths and bad things that happen in the film are a result of her bad decisions.

Annoying kids, medium pace, zero nudity, zero gore, a little blood, suspected animal cruelty that pissed me off (that cat did not look happy in that one scene), early 1990's technology, disappointing ending, average acting, average cast. With some tweaks to the script, MAN’S BEST FRIEND could have been awesome, but instead it will mainly be remembered as the film Craig’s dad was watching in FRIDAY. “It’s your ass, Mr. Postman!”

SHORT CIRCUIT (1986)

"Number 5 is alive!"

True story: Did you know, that in the original script for Short Circuit, Johnny 5 had the line "Stephanie, do not disassemble my cock ring!"?  Yeah, that's not even remotely true.  I just made that up.

An American robotic laboratory is working on making robots for the military.  As the film opens, we see some of the prototype robots being used in a live demonstration for the military.  Blowing up vehicles with lasers and stuff like that.  Afterward, as the five robots are being moved back into the lab, a lightning bolt strikes one of the robots and brings him to life.  Kinda like Frankenstein's monster.  But instead of tossing a kid in a lake, Number 5 goes on a sightseeing adventure.  He eventually falls off a bridge and into the life of the free-spirited, Stephanie (Ally Sheedy).  Stephanie originally thinks that Number 5 is an alien, so she's more than happy to tell him all about life on Earth.  Number 5 loves all of this "input" and quickly becomes an expert on stuff like imitating The Three Stooges, making a huge mess while trying to to cook breakfast, disco dancing and falling off the porch.  At the same time, while Number 5 is busy perfecting his George Raft impersonation, the people from the robotics lab are frantically looking for him...so they can kill him!

SHORT CIRCUIT isn't an all-time 1980's family classic like THE PRINCESS BRIDE, LABYRINTH or BACK TO THE FUTURE, but it's still a fun ride.  The entire story is super silly, the pace moves along quickly enough and the old 80's tech is fun to check out.  Definitely worth a watch for anybody interested in 1980's Cinema.  Recommended. 

This is not part of the review, but I am curious what would have happened, if instead of Stephanie being a normal human being, she was some kind of deviant with nothing but old worn out Hustler magazines laying around instead of encyclopedias.  Johnny 5 would have ended up a goddamn freak!!!  He'd be saying all kinds of nasty shit that don't even make sense and the last word of each sentence would be really, really loud and high-pitched: "Stephanie, you have a big ol' cock I like to kiss, you...BITCH!!!"; "Suck my mechanical dick, Newton Crosby, you...WHORE!!!";  "Stephanie, eat my metal butthole, you...SLUT!!!";  "Newton Crosby, your pussy smells like the floor of a shrimp...BOAT!!!"; "Who da fuck doest thou think thou...ART!!!"; "Somebody please tongue-punch me in my brown...HOLE!!!" "I'm a sailor with the sea air in my...PUSS!!!"  You know, stuff like that.

Part 2 - Short Circuit 2 (1988)

WARGAMES (1983)

You remember WARGAMES.  It's the one about the high school computer nerd who breaks into a government supercomputer thinking that it's a video game company and inadvertently nearly starts WWIII.  I'm pretty sure the chances of something like this playing out in real life are about zero point zero, but it's still a fun movie.  Watching it now, it's dated as hell, but looking at all those ancient ass computers just adds to the charm of the film.

Uhh, well. I'm not sure what else to say.  Topless Matthew Broderick, quick pace, entire population of Earth hinged on a computer learning a lesson, attractive Ally Sheedy, nerds yelling, hotwiring a payphone, Galaga, Global Thermonuclear War, military general versus computer nerds, 80's fashions, DEFCON 1, a gigantic door, uncooked corn. 

I'm sure by this point in your life you've already seen WARGAMES, but if not you should check it out.  Simple, but fun movie.