SMASH-UP ON INTERSTATE 5 (1976)

"At 11:09am on July 4th, a major smash-up occurred on Interstate 5 in the state of California. Thirty-nine vehicles, 62 people injured, 14 killed."

Originally broadcast on December 3, 1976 as The ABC Friday Night Movie, SMASH-UP ON INTERSTATE 5 was viewed in 19.8 million homes and it's easy to see why cause it's kinda dope! The drama starts out immediately with highway patrolman Robert Conrad pursuing a murder suspect down a busy Southern California highway.  Then before you can say "Somebody should make a good version of Squid Game." there's cars crashing all over the place, people flying through the air, explosions, fire.  Thirty-nine vehicles, 62 injured and 14 killed.  That's the raw statistics, but what about the human cost?  The lost loved-ones and destroyed dreams.  The broken hearts and injured bodies.  All because some motherfucker can't drive for shit.  Well, hold on to your butts cuz we're about to rewind the clock 48 hours and find out more about the victims of...the smash-up on Interstate 5! 5...5...5...5 [imagine an echo effect here]

So you already know about how lone cop Robert Conrad was chasing a murder suspect down the highway in the opening scene, but in the flashback we see that he used to have a cop buddy (Tommy Lee Jones) who was suspiciously absent in the pursuit of the murder suspect.  I'm sure nobody will be able to unravel that bit of foreshadowing.  Naturally, Jones' wife is pregnant as fuck and about to bust.  We also catch up with lonely Vera Miles who's meeting a friend at a sleazy disco populated with horny swingers.  One especially pushy doctor is hellbent on pitching woo and slinging ding-a-ling with Miles, but she's so repulsed by his pre-Austin Powers sexual advances that she leaves town!  Bad idea, because she runs out of gas and is immediately attacked on the side of the road by Lolita herself (Sue Lyon) and about to get gang raped by Lolita's biker gang when trucker David Groh rolls up and starts smashing people with a lead pipe!  There's also storylines featuring Harriet Nelson, Buddy Ebsen, Scott Jacoby, Donna Mills and others but I don't want to give it all away.

SMASH-UP ON INTERSTATE 5 might just be an old TV movie that nobody cares about, but I'm a worthless nobody and I enjoyed the fuck out it.  It's a neat time capsule back to mid-1970's television.  Lots of familiar faces, tons of vintage cars, quick pace, impressive stunts, a van that's "Rated X", good acting, some gnarly car wrecks plus an interesting use of flashbacks.  Check it out.

[This has nothing to do with the review.  I just wanted to leave a note reminding my future-self that I composed and typed out this entire review using only my right hand because old lady cat, Susie, is using my left arm as a pillow.  I love her very much.]

MEN IN BLACK (1997)

"We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger."

One fine evening, NYPD officer Will Smith is out chasing some busta all over the place.  Jumping off a bridge, hardcore parkouring off a Central Park wall, climbing and running all over the Guggenheim Museum...but then, when he corners the busta, the dude has sideways eyelids!  That shit ain't right.  Ends up the dude is an alien from outer space and Will Smith soon finds himself to be the newest recruit of the super secretive Men in Black agency.  Which seems like a very sexist name for an agency, but whatever.  The job of the MIB is to protect the Earth from extraterrestrial threats and to regulate the aliens that are currently already here.

Old timer agent Tommy Lee Jones is tasked to show Will Smith the ropes.  Their first case is to track down a large illegal alien insect who recently landed in upstate New York and ate the insides of farmer Vincent D'Onofrio and is now walking around in his skin.  That's just nasty and kinda awesome, cause D'Onofrio does an amazing job of looking creepy as fook!  Ends up, insect D'Onofrio is looking for a small but powerful energy device called "The Galaxy" and will stop at nothing to find it.  Even if it means blowing up the entire planet.  Yikes!

MEN IN BLACK is an entertaining time-waster.  Good acting, interesting story that could have been a little bit darker, solid supporting cast, zero tension, dated special effects that still look okay, a cute dog, a cute cat, some not so cute roaches, an extremely depressing bit of dialogue, a Misfits t-shirt and, for whatever reason, the 98 minute runtime seems to go by very fast!  I honestly thought there was like another 20 minutes or so coming when the movie just...ended.  Recommended.

Part 2 - Men in Black II (2002)
Part 3 - Men in Black 3 (2012)
Part 4 - Men in Black: International (2019)