HAIL, CAESAR! (2016)

Around a hour or so into HAIL, CAESAR! I thought to myself "What the hell is this movie?"  IMDb lists it as a "Comedy, Mystery", but there's nothing worth more than a smile throughout the entire thing and I have no idea what the mystery portion could have be.  Yeah, there's a kidnapping but we know who the kidnappers are right from the beginning!

Whatever.  Set in the early 1950's, HAIL, CAESAR! is the story of a Hollywood studio big wig (Josh Brolin) who spends all of his time taking care of production needs and keeping the various studio stars in line.  One day something big comes up when the main actor (George Clooney) in the studio's most expensive film disappears off the set.  Is he on a bender?  Shacked up with a dame?  Or maybe even kidnapped by Communists?  69'ing in the woods with a mountain lion?  Brolin has to get his star back while at the same time taking care of various other problems (pregnant single actress, miscast actor, a tempting job offer, etc), it's all very...blah.

I love classic Hollywood and I was excited to see a modern day film set back in 1950's Hollywood, but HAIL, CAESAR! is a dud.  It looks nice, but the story was all over the place with no true center or even likeable characters.  I kept waiting and waiting for something to develop, then I realized that the movie is already 3/4's done and it's still just flailing around like a boat lost in a storm.

With so much talent (both in front and behind the camera) I was expecting a delightful throwback mystery-comedy, kinda like the wonderful THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION, but that didn't happen.  Instead HAIL, CAESAR! simply putters along and leaves more questions than it answers.  On the bright side I really enjoyed the performances of Alden Ehrenreich and Veronica Osorio.  They were both great. Also, the lighting was nice.

Is that a white SUV off to the right?

SNOWPIERCER (2013)

"I believe it is easier for people to survive on this train if they have some level of insanity."

Set in 2031, SNOWPIERCER tells about how way back in ye olde 2014 countries all over the world purposely released some climate engineering shit into the atmosphere in hopes of counteracting the rising temperatures...it worked.  It worked so well, in fact, that it created another ice age and nearly killed all life on Earth.  D'oh!

Nobody knows how many people survived in underground bunkers or caves.  SNOWPIERCER only tells story of a large group of survivors on a massive train that drives around all over the planet nonstop.  Now the logistics of a train driving fast as shit, nonstop for 17 years busting through mountains of snow and walls of ice is completely ridiculous, but whatever.  The entire movie is filmed in a kinda vague, surrealistic way so I don't think reality was what the filmmakers were going for.  I think SNOWPIERCER is more about style.

As such, it succeeds.  The story is about the inhabitants on the back of the train (the "slum" area) getting sick and tired of their living conditions, so they revolt and start making their way to the front of the train.  All kinds of hip imagery and fight scenes follow.  If you don't put too much stock into the story and just enjoy the ride, SNOWPIERCER is an enjoyable ride.  The fight scenes could have been more brutal, but I definitely got a SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM vibe a few times (the woman in the yellow jacket scene and the look on Tilda Swinton's face during the night vision scene) so that was a good thing.

Quick pace, good acting (I especially liked Alison Pill as the tripped out school teacher...eyes all rolling back in her head with psychotic fervor), plot holes galore, under use of Kang-ho Song, exciting action scenes that look good but lack any real violence, good lighting, unsatisfying ending.

For what it is, SNOWPIERCER is a fun film.  I would really like to see a ultra-gritty video game version. [Update 2021: The Snowpiercer level on Hitman III is dope!]

Worth a watch.