SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING (2017)

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING is an awesome movie. I’ve always enjoyed the occasional Marvel Cinematic Universe movies that have passed in front of my incredibly handsome eyeballs, but it wasn’t until HOMECOMING that I actually connected emotionally with the characters and story to the point that I have now gone back and caught up with all of the MCU stuff.

In this (the 16th) installment of the MCU, we have a high school dude by the name of Peter “Penis” Parker who is a small-time superhero. Just you’re friendly neighborhood Spider-Man who uses his spider powers and badass superhero suit (provided to him by Tony Stark) to do stuff like stopping a guy from stealing a bicycle and give directions to an old lady. He’s also on the academic decathlon team and likes to hang out with his best friend, Ned. It’s totally awesome and, honestly, the entire movie could have just been about him getting cats out of trees and assembling a Lego Death Star with Ned and I would have been in movie heaven. But, a movie about Spider-Man playing board games with his buddy for two hours would have made about $666 at the box office, so…one evening while on patrol Spider-Man notices a small gang of criminals robbing an ATM with some badass gear made from the alien tech left over from the Battle of New York (in a previous MCU movie). Shit happens and next thing you know, there’s a dude in a high-tech vulture suit kicking Penis Parker’s pecker and spider balls up around his spider ears. It’s awesome. The entire movie is awesome! I’ve seen it like 30 times and I hope to watch it 30 more times before my handsome and chiseled buns shuffle off to that great gay bar in the sky. Twerking, line dancing, voguing, purple lasers and smoke everywhere. It’ll be **** tight, like a Bon Jovi concert.

The Infinity Saga

Phase One
Part 1 - Iron Man (2008)
Part 2 - The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Part 3 - Iron Man 2 (2010)
Part 4 - Thor (2011)
Part 5 - Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
Part 6 - Marvel's The Avengers (2012)

Phase Two
Part 7 - Iron Man 3 (2013)
Part 8 - Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Part 9 - Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
Part 10 - Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Part 11 - Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Part 12 - Ant-Man (2015)

Phase Three
Part 13 - Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Part 14 - Doctor Strange (2016)
Part 15 - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
Part 17 - Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Part 18 - Black Panther (2018)
Part 19 - Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
Part 20 - Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
Part 21 - Captain Marvel (2019)
Part 22 - Avengers: Endgame (2019)
Part 23 - Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)

Phase Four
Part 24 - Black Widow (2021)
Part 25 - Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Part 26 - Eternals (2021)
Part 24 - Black Widow (2021)
Part 25 - Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Part 26 - Eternals (2021)
Part 27 - Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
Part 28 - Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)
Part 29 - Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
Part 30 - Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)

Phase Five
Part 31 - Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023)
Part 32 - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)
Part 33 - The Marvels (2023)

SNOWPIERCER (2013)

"I believe it is easier for people to survive on this train if they have some level of insanity."

Set in 2031, SNOWPIERCER tells about how way back in ye olde 2014 countries all over the world purposely released some climate engineering shit into the atmosphere in hopes of counteracting the rising temperatures...it worked.  It worked so well, in fact, that it created another ice age and nearly killed all life on Earth.  D'oh!

Nobody knows how many people survived in underground bunkers or caves.  SNOWPIERCER only tells story of a large group of survivors on a massive train that drives around all over the planet nonstop.  Now the logistics of a train driving fast as shit, nonstop for 17 years busting through mountains of snow and walls of ice is completely ridiculous, but whatever.  The entire movie is filmed in a kinda vague, surrealistic way so I don't think reality was what the filmmakers were going for.  I think SNOWPIERCER is more about style.

As such, it succeeds.  The story is about the inhabitants on the back of the train (the "slum" area) getting sick and tired of their living conditions, so they revolt and start making their way to the front of the train.  All kinds of hip imagery and fight scenes follow.  If you don't put too much stock into the story and just enjoy the ride, SNOWPIERCER is an enjoyable ride.  The fight scenes could have been more brutal, but I definitely got a SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM vibe a few times (the woman in the yellow jacket scene and the look on Tilda Swinton's face during the night vision scene) so that was a good thing.

Quick pace, good acting (I especially liked Alison Pill as the tripped out school teacher...eyes all rolling back in her head with psychotic fervor), plot holes galore, under use of Kang-ho Song, exciting action scenes that look good but lack any real violence, good lighting, unsatisfying ending.

For what it is, SNOWPIERCER is a fun film.  I would really like to see a ultra-gritty video game version. [Update 2021: The Snowpiercer level on Hitman III is dope!]

Worth a watch.