MEN IN BLACK (1997)

"We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger."

One fine evening, NYPD officer Will Smith is out chasing some busta all over the place.  Jumping off a bridge, hardcore parkouring off a Central Park wall, climbing and running all over the Guggenheim Museum...but then, when he corners the busta, the dude has sideways eyelids!  That shit ain't right.  Ends up the dude is an alien from outer space and Will Smith soon finds himself to be the newest recruit of the super secretive Men in Black agency.  Which seems like a very sexist name for an agency, but whatever.  The job of the MIB is to protect the Earth from extraterrestrial threats and to regulate the aliens that are currently already here.

Old timer agent Tommy Lee Jones is tasked to show Will Smith the ropes.  Their first case is to track down a large illegal alien insect who recently landed in upstate New York and ate the insides of farmer Vincent D'Onofrio and is now walking around in his skin.  That's just nasty and kinda awesome, cause D'Onofrio does an amazing job of looking creepy as fook!  Ends up, insect D'Onofrio is looking for a small but powerful energy device called "The Galaxy" and will stop at nothing to find it.  Even if it means blowing up the entire planet.  Yikes!

MEN IN BLACK is an entertaining time-waster.  Good acting, interesting story that could have been a little bit darker, solid supporting cast, zero tension, dated special effects that still look okay, a cute dog, a cute cat, some not so cute roaches, an extremely depressing bit of dialogue, a Misfits t-shirt and, for whatever reason, the 98 minute runtime seems to go by very fast!  I honestly thought there was like another 20 minutes or so coming when the movie just...ended.  Recommended.

Part 2 - Men in Black II (2002)
Part 3 - Men in Black 3 (2012)
Part 4 - Men in Black: International (2019)

DEATH WISH (2018)

Meh.  I think the word "meh" not only accurately summarizes my feelings about this remake of 1974's DEATH WISH, but also my feelings about Eli Roth's entire directorial output up until this point.  CABIN FEVER?  It had it's moments. HOSTEL?  Yawn. THE GREEN INFERNO?  Double yawn.

Anyway, after quickly showing Bruce Willis with his picture perfect family and establishing that he's a "pussy", we get to the moment where his family is attacked.  And...it's about as lifeless and non-threatening as you would expect from an Eli Roth joint. After the PG-rated attack scene, ol' Bruce gets good and mad.  So mad that he starts watching online instructional videos about guns and self-defense!  Wow, that's so exciting.  Eventually, he does go out and gets his blast on, but it's completely by-the-numbers and boring.  The End.

Computer-generated blood, illogical story, lifeless photography, "I'm just here to collect a paycheck." acting, weak action scenes, zero nudity, zero thrills, soulless emotional scenes.  Worst of all was the annoying social commentary by the radio DJ's.  That was straight torture to listen to.  It subtracted from the film by even being there.

DEATH WISH (2018) isn't the worst thing in the world, just lame and forgettable.  You'd probably be better off just taking a nap.

Part 1 - Death Wish (1974)
Part 2 - Death Wish II (1982)
Part 3 - Death Wish 3 (1985)
Part 4 - Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987)
Part 5 - Death Wish V: The Face of Death (1994)