HALLOWEEN II (2009)

"Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck.  Fuck.  Oh, God.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck!  Oh, fuck!"

Michael's back. The endless string of fuck's are back. The 70's rock is back. The close-ups are back and this time they brought along a friend: really bright lights shining into smoke.

The story is pretty simple...Laurie is still alive and now living with Danielle Harris and her father, Sheriff Brad Dourif. Laurie also has some new friends that are exactly as annoying as her old friends. Michael is still alive and, I guess, for the last two years he's just been walking around working on growing a powerbeard. He's also been building his lower body strength as evidenced when he picks up a fucking car! What the fuck?

Anyway, the beginning of the movie is actually almost alright with the stabbing and action and blood. Then during the middle, it starts to slow down with lots of talking and the world's shittiest party band. And the ending...holy shit. Zombie just takes a gigantic undead shit all over the viewer with the slow motion, the unemotional emotional horseshit, a full length music video (I'm not joking), silent moments and Michael talking! What the fuck is that blasphemous shit?!

Another thing that really burned my biscuits was making the Dr. Loomis character into an asshole. I bet Donald Pleasence was fucking spinning in his grave. That's what they should do! Make a movie where Donald Pleasence is so pissed off over the shitty HALLOWEEN remakes that he comes back from the dead and starts chasing Rob Zombie around, except that Rob can't run very fast because his giant boots and bracelets and designer jeans keep getting caught up on shit.

Fair amount of blood, overstylized everything, tons of cussing, nice body count, mostly boring kills, a few boring tits, horrible Halloween party and distracting cameos including "Weird Al" Yankovic. Great, now I'm daydreaming about Spatula City when I'm suppose to be watching Michael.

Not a terrible watch if you're looking for a few good laughs.

Part 1 - Halloween (1978)
Part 2 - Halloween II (1981)
Part 3 - Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Part 4 - Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
Part 5 - Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
Part 6 - Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
Part 7 - Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)
Part 8 - Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Remake 1 - Halloween (2007)
Sequel to Original - Halloween (2018)
Direct Sequel 2 - Halloween Kills (2021)
Direct Sequel 3 - Halloween Ends (2022)

HALLOWEEN (2007)

For the most part, horror remakes are silly and Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN isn't any different. It's definitely better than Michael Bay's blasphemous FRIDAY THE 13th "reboot", but that ain't saying much. It's kinda like saying falling dick first into a tree shredder is better than falling balls first into a tree shredder.

The main problem with the movie is it's 121 minutes long and boring! The story is the same as the original, with just more "fucks" added in and more random strangers for Michael to kill. The only thing that ever roused me out of my boredom-induced stupor was the assorted genre cameos, but even that got annoying after awhile...Oh, hey, look it's Sybil Danning as a nurse with two lines or look it's that Monkee motherfucker as a gun store clerk. Whoopee!!! But the absolute worst part is the close-ups! I swear to Satan at least 35% of this movie is fucking close-ups!

Maybe I'm being too rough on it, but I can't help it. The movie's lame. Zombie obviously has some filmmaking talent, just not very much. Maybe if he continues making movie for the next 50 years, he'll eventually make an original and good movie, but I'm not holding my breath.

Lots of cussing, over-stylized camerawork (example: when Michael kills the camera suddenly starts shaking a lot), close-up overdose, blood, some nice tits, 70's rock songs, Sheri Moon Zombie's patented style of overacting, zero tension, zero scares, lots of talking, jump scenes.

Part 1 - Halloween (1978)
Part 2 - Halloween II (1981)
Part 3 - Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Part 4 - Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
Part 5 - Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
Part 6 - Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
Part 7 - Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)
Part 8 - Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Remake 2 - Halloween II (2009)
Sequel to Original - Halloween (2018)
Direct Sequel 2 - Halloween Kills (2021)
Direct Sequel 3 - Halloween Ends (2022)