UN CHIEN ANDALOU (1929)

Seven of thirteen dentists most likely agree that Hank Williams probably never released a song called “Look at My Butt.” Collecting injustices. Squirrel sign language. Not a chance, Small Ballz. Bok-Bok 3:16. I wish I hadn’t put that pine cone up my butt for Christmas. Researchers have determined that “The Lumberjack” song by Jackyl was not featured in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Yer butt is turning me on. He turned on the radio right as the announcer promised that “You’ll be eating so much gash, that you’ll be shitting squirt.” Those belong in the Smithsonian next to Corey Haim's table cloth trench coat. I talked to my grandma about this. Every time I look at the artwork for Heaven Can Wait, I think that he’s looking at his cellphone. Have you ever been kissed while in a reclining position? Dongerius Bueller's day off. Burping and thunderfarting like a werewolf.

Cousins who have hooked up with other cousins. Teen punk rock mystery novel set in an all-girl's prep school in 1985. Details involving your trip to the truck stop and your encounters with raccoons, aliens and diarrhea. Zombie attack on nudist camp. Is that Garfield shirt in regular rotation? Sven Thorneck the quattuordecsexual whaling museum curator. An orange 1986 Ford Escort. He makes up for it in the handsome taint department. Cornered by the police in a haunted house, Dymon needed to create a time machine so he drew a circle on the wooden floor with white chalk. It usually starts with polygamy. He only stinks during a full moon. Cellar door. Lol, ugh fuuuuuuckkkk it's sooo hot in Texas fuuuuuckkkk. I ate three bowls of Fiber One this morning and now I gotta go take a goddamn shit! I'm am a idiot. Music that isn't on Spotify. Waiting in line to die. The cyborg girl's pockets sagged with dead gopher meat. I want to see a serious Western about Freddy Krueger in the early 1800's.

Szilveszter Matuska's sexual desires. And my banana pants. Despite being 9 feet tall and half-extraterrestrial, nobody notices and he becomes a detective and part-time movie critic for a local newspaper. Yup the whole mountain village can see you take a krumpus. By the time they reached the Waffle House, a few crucial pieces of Catherine's innards were missing.  A demon-possessed pothole that can move at will and kills people. Odd religious sects. Have DoorDash deliver yo last meal to the cemetery. Nothing fails like prayer. I don't have one single follower for my Prowler In the Yard vs. Twenty One Pilots playlist. Polar bears engulfed in flames. I know what the human centipede did last summer. Haunt me. It was all lies. The door remains shut.

FLUNKY, WORK HARD (1931)

Clocking in at only 28 minutes, FLUNKY, WORK HARD (Mikio Naruse's 8th film and his earliest work available to the public...as of 2019)  tells the unfunny comedy/tragedy story of an insurance salesman who is not only terrible at his job, but is also terrible at being a loving father, being a supportive husband and being able to face reality.  Example: when the landlord knocks on the door because the rent is overdue, this stud runs and hides in the closet.  All of this is presented as somehow be funny.

After bravely hiding in his closet, he goes out to sell insurance, but doesn't close any deals.  Later on, while walking home empty-handed, he sees his young son, who had just defended himself against three other boys who tried to beat him up.  Once the father notices that one of the bullies is the son of a woman he's trying to sell insurance to, he starts yelling and smacking his kid around.  Dad of the Year right there.  The kid is understandably upset and runs off...and gets hit by a train!!!  What the hell?

I love Mikio Naruse's later masterpieces (like WHEN A WOMAN ASCENDS THE STAIRS), but this earlier stuff is definitely dated and not going to win over any new fans.  As a lifelong student of film, I'm glad I watched it and did notice some interesting filmmaking techniques (especially towards the end of the movie), but the average passive movie watcher will probably be bored.

SHOW PEOPLE (1928)

What a fun movie.

Marion Davies plays a naive young woman who travels to Hollywood to be a actress in serious movies, but instead ends up getting splashed in the face with seltzer water and chased around in slapstick comedies.  While making these films she makes a loyal group of friends, including William Haines who is secretly in love with her.  Soon though, she gets a chance at becoming a serious actress.  She does so and becomes a big star, which for some reason causes her to purse her lips up like a rabbit and turn her back on her friends.  You can probably guess what happens next.

King Vidor's SHOW PEOPLE is a treasure.  The story might sound serious, but it's actually very funny.  Marion Davies' performance is totally charming, the pace is quick, the story has a modern feel to it, the cameos are impressive and the behind-the-scenes feel to the whole thing is fascinating.  I enjoyed it so much that I actually watched it twice!  Although I do wish that the script had been beefed up a bit.  A longer time spent showing her working in the low-budget comedies would have helped.

But it is what it is and I was smiling from beginning to end.  And that scene where Marion Davies' character sees the real life Marion Davies is absolutely adorable.  Highly recommended for fans of silent movies.

Great scene where Marion Davies' character sees the real life Marion Davies and doesn't approve...