A GODWINK CHRISTMAS: MIRACLE OF LOVE (2021)

You’ve been Godwinked, motherfucker!

Well, it finally happened…I found a Hallmark movie that I didn’t fall in love with: A GODWINK CHRISTMAS: MIRACLE OF LOVE. Things start out well enough when an unemployed white woman who has a supportive boyfriend (you know he’s getting jettisoned!) and an unemployed handsome white dude both sign up for a community service volunteer program that seems to have endless money…I like where this is going! Even better: they all like to talk about god a lot! It’s fucking awesome. But then instead of the awkward, flirty romance stuff that goes on in the other Hallmark movies, shit starts getting serious! What the fuck??? I’m not watching a Hallmark movie to be assaulted with reality; I’m watching it to forget this anguishing hell we’re trapped in! Anyway, the charity is helping a family who lost all of their shit in a house fire (that entire thing was depressing), then the woman hilariously forgets to mention to anybody that she has a long-term boyfriend back home, so now the handsome dude who’s been flirting with her for weeks is devastated (that was the best part of the movie) so he gets a job driving a snowplow and runs himself over! Lol. What the fuck? Like literally zero survival skillz or Safety skillz used, dude just lays in front of the truck and it rolls over him! Lol. Moron. Anyway, ol’ girl has by now dumped her boyfriend and he gets tears in his perfectly trimmed beard. Then, when she gets to the hospital, the dumb dudes family starts giving her potential future trauma by saying that he’s living for her and shit like that. It was kinda awesome. Just guilt-tripping this poor woman that his recovery is solely based on her love for him...not the large truck that rolled over his perfectly-toned torso. I think my favorite part of the movie though was when the editor of the charity newsletter tells ol’ boi that he has to write an article and it needs to be “300 words” like that was challenging. Oh my god, how is he going to write 300 words?! That was so cool. Like whoa, how is he going to be able to write three-hundred words!

Fuck it, maybe I did like this movie, but still, I didn’t care for the more serious aspects. Like the dude getting run over...that was too stressful for me…but it did get me to daydreaming about an odd mix-up of a movie that was 95% CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN and 5% BULLY (2001), the Larry Clark film. That would be amazing! Hell, I still want to write that G-Rated Bible Camp slasher film I was talking about years ago in the BLOODY MURDER review. Ohhh, maybe a Godwink vs. Final Destination movie!

Despite not liking this film as much as other Hallmark movies, I still enjoyed the more traditional parts that were like uplifting and talking about hope and love and kindness and all that fictional stuff that doesn’t actually exist in real life.

A VETERAN'S CHRISTMAS (2018)

Grace Garland (who is single) is honorably discharged from the Marines (thank you for your service just seriously thank you so your much thank for your service thank you thank you for your service your service thank you for it service thank you service thank) and immediately wrecks her whip into the property of a small town judge who happens to be single as fuck and handsome as fuck and psychotically obsessed with Christmas which also happens to be the name (Christmas) of Grace’s dog that she worked with in the Marines and is now separated from forever. Forever! There is literally zero percent chance that she’ll ever be reunited with this dog. It’s just not going to happen. Nope. Christmas is lost forever. It will just never happen. Thank you for your service, but you ain’t gettin’ that dog back.

Being a Hallmark movie, you already know this sucker is going to be cheesedick as fuck and oh my god, I was in heaven. I think I started yelling somewhere around the 2 minute mark and I didn’t stop until it was over. I seriously doubt even 15 minutes was put into writing this script, but fuck, what a badass 15 minutes it must have been! They really pumped up the meddling family bullshit in this one. It was awesome. And as an added bonus to me…the shitty-looking men’s jacket was back! Who dresses these motherfuckers? They deserve an Oscar. Also, do people normally fully dress, including shoes, the entire time they’re home? Just dragging dog shit and germs all over the floor. Fucking nasty!

Seriously though, I loved everything about this movie. It was goddamn terrible and awesome at the same time. The only thing that kinda disappointed me was it wasn’t heavy-handed enough with the Jesus shit. I knew I was in trouble early on when somebody said, “Merry Christmas.” instead of "Happy holidays." in the first scene. Lame! I was really hoping for some good ol’, old-fashioned canceling Christmas fearmongering. But nope, your imaginary dom is still safe. I was also a little sad that the mandatory incredibly mature 12 year-old character wasn't as prominent as in other Hallmark films.

P.S. Thanks u 4 ur service.

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A few various notes that I put in my notebook while watching A VETERAN'S CHRISTMAS:

• Is Christmas really a thing?
• Wasn’t the beginning of THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE just like the opening of this movie?
• Small Town White People Abusing Their Power: The Movie.
• Intelligence test: pause the movie at 5:34 and if you cannot predict the rest of the entire movie, then you’re a fucking idiot.
• Black people counter: 3
• The military font in the opening credits was kinda pushing it.
• Are there really no other candidates for the job they offered her? 
• Chicago would eat this fucking pussy motherfucker alive.
• In Part 2 we’re gonna find out he’s a serial killer.

MYSTERY 101: WORDS CAN KILL (2019)

It seems like they really hit their stride with this third installment of the MYSTERY 101 series. The mystery was good with lots of twists and turns, the movie itself looked good and somehow the non-relationship relationship between our two main characters actually didn’t move forward at all, which is what we all want. Just let it stay in that cute awkward flirty stage forever!

Elmstead College is holding a Mystery writers convention. Of course, our hero professor’s mystery novelist dad is going to be there, but so is another writer that he used to have bad blood with and even an old agent who he also has bad blood with. Things happen and bodies start piling up. So now it’s up to our favorite professor and the handsome homicide detective stud to solve the case! It’s awesome and a lot of fun. I especially loved the scene where they were in a well lit parking lot at night and he insists on walking her to her car, they then walk over like 8 steps and they’re at her car. I don’t know why, but that scene cracked me up.

Of the three MYSTERY 101 films that I’ve seen, WORDS CAN KILL is the best so far. It was cute and silly and did a solid job of building on the groundwork laid by the previous two films. Some grumpy fucks might poo-poo all over it, but, as far as low-stress comfort films go, I really liked it. Check it out!

Part 1 - Mystery 101 (2019)
Part 2 - Mystery 101: Playing Dead (2019)
Part 4 - Mystery 101: Dead Talk (2019)
Part 5 - Mystery 101: An Education in Murder (2020)
Part 6 - Mystery 101: Killer Timing (2021)
Part 7 - Mystery 101: Deadly History (2021)