THE CHINESE TYPEWRITER (1979)

A bad guy steals an airliner by simply flying off in it. The owner hires two detectives, Tom Selleck and James Whitmore, Jr., (or “Whitemore” as that one newspaper clipping shown below says) to get it back. Boring stuff happens and our heroes come up with a plan to say they have a bogus blueprint for a “Chinese typewriter”. What the fuck? I watched the entire movie and I still don't understand the story.

The only reason this unsold pilot even has a minor footnote in movie history is it has a few connections to the 1980’s television program “Magnum, P.I.” As a fan of that show, I thought it’d be fun to check out THE CHINESE TYPEWRITER. Wrong. While I do understand my thinking from a few hours ago…the reality has been nothing but pain and boredom. I wish I knew karate so I could dropkick this smelly DVD into a tree shredder.

Lifeless acting, underdeveloped (and boring) characters, weak action scenes, unfunny humor (I’m talking Nikki Glaser-level antifunny), needlessly confusing story, bland camerawork, a newspaper featuring a reversed photograph from a scene that takes place later in the movie (what is this LADY TERMINATOR? Or the TV-edit of EARTHQUAKE?), slow pace, multiple annoying usages of the term “percentage play”, wasted scenery.

The few connections to Magnum are interesting (I guess), but not worth wasting the 77 minutes it takes to watch this turkey. The most unusual is a small cutscene of a beachside shower that was later used in a Season 1 episode of Magnum. That was just odd.

THE 500 POUND JERK (1973)

When his breakfast cereal is discovered to have zero nutritional value, advertising man (James Franciscus) is given three months to save the cereal or be shitcanned. Around the same time, he has car trouble and at the garage meets a goofy lummox (Alex Karras) who doesn’t even workout but can lift up a car. This gives Franciscus an idea: train this birdbrained motherfucker for a few months, then toss his ass into the 1972 Olympics, avoid getting massacred by militants, win a gold medal in weightlifting and claim that the worthless cereal is why the Mongo motherfucker is so strong. Sounds like a completely sleazeball thing to do, but that's advertising for you.

When the title “The 500 Pound Jerk” popped up on the screen, I envisioned that the movie was going to be about a 500 pound bodybuilder walking around the Olympics being a douche. Imagine Rodney Dangerfield from BACK TO SCHOOL in Rich Piana’s body.  But nope, it’s about a weightlifting move called the Clean and Jerk and the 500 pounds is weight range they are going for to win the gold medal. How lame. That was disappointing. Still, this could have been a good film if they had leaned more towards the comedy aspect. But nope once again, instead, the filmmakers eat up time by shoehorning in a boring love story about our hero and a Russian gymnast. Lame!

Promising title, boring story, good acting by James Franciscus, interesting clips of the actual 1972 Olympic Games, that one guy from A HARD DAY'S NIGHT, sluggish pace, not one single song by Destroy Boys or Haunt Me in the soundtrack, Howard Cosell, weak ending. Honestly, I don't even know why THE 500 POUND JERK was made. There's nothing to it. Worth a watch for James Franciscus fans, but that's about it.  That said, I'm about 100% convinced that somebody involved with the making of 1974's BLAZING SADDLES saw THE 500 POUND JERK because Alex Kerras plays pretty much the same character in that film but just in a cowboy hat. "Mongo only pawn in game of life." So, for that alone, I'm glad this film was made.

JESSE STONE: NO REMORSE (2010)

I’m so dead that they’re going to have to bury me twice. I waited over 10 years to watch the next installment of the Jesse Stone series and I wish I had waited 10 more. Hell, a hundred more! Baby buttfucking Jesus, is this a slow movie.

The film starts in Boston with some dude in a parking garage getting shot in the back of the noodle. At the same time, still-suspended small town police chief Tom Selleck is busy turning down women who want to jump his bones and dealing with a new phone he recently bought. Soon there is a second identical murder and the Boston Police call in Tom Selleck for help. Stuff happens and he gets coffee at a gay bar. The End.

It’s strange, I love the old Magnum, P.I. TV series and can watch it over and over and over. Especially episodes with Higgins, but goddamn this Jesse Stone series is straight-up murdering me! I actually have quite a bit to say about the movie, but I’m so depressed and in so much pain right now that I just wanna publish this turkey and go to bed.

Part 1 - Stone Cold (2005)
Part 2 - Jesse Stone: Night Passage (2006)
Part 3 - Jesse Stone: Death in Paradise (2006)
Part 4 - Jesse Stone: Sea Change (2007)
Part 5 - Jesse Stone: Thin Ice (2009)
Part 7 - Jesse Stone: Innocents Lost (2011)
Part 8 - Jesse Stone: Benefit of the Doubt (2012)
Part 9 - Jesse Stone: Lost in Paradise (2015)