THE 500 POUND JERK (1973)

When his breakfast cereal is discovered to have zero nutritional value, advertising man (James Franciscus) is given three months to save the cereal or be shitcanned. Around the same time, he has car trouble and at the garage meets a goofy lummox (Alex Karras) who doesn’t even workout but can lift up a car. This gives Franciscus an idea: train this birdbrained motherfucker for a few months, then toss his ass into the 1972 Olympics, avoid getting massacred by militants, win a gold medal in weightlifting and claim that the worthless cereal is why the Mongo motherfucker is so strong. Sounds like a completely sleazeball thing to do, but that's advertising for you.

When the title “The 500 Pound Jerk” popped up on the screen, I envisioned that the movie was going to be about a 500 pound bodybuilder walking around the Olympics being a douche. Imagine Rodney Dangerfield from BACK TO SCHOOL in Rich Piana’s body.  But nope, it’s about a weightlifting move called the Clean and Jerk and the 500 pounds is weight range they are going for to win the gold medal. How lame. That was disappointing. Still, this could have been a good film if they had leaned more towards the comedy aspect. But nope once again, instead, the filmmakers eat up time by shoehorning in a boring love story about our hero and a Russian gymnast. Lame!

Promising title, boring story, good acting by James Franciscus, interesting clips of the actual 1972 Olympic Games, that one guy from A HARD DAY'S NIGHT, sluggish pace, not one single song by Destroy Boys or Haunt Me in the soundtrack, Howard Cosell, weak ending. Honestly, I don't even know why THE 500 POUND JERK was made. There's nothing to it. Worth a watch for James Franciscus fans, but that's about it.  That said, I'm about 100% convinced that somebody involved with the making of 1974's BLAZING SADDLES saw THE 500 POUND JERK because Alex Kerras plays pretty much the same character in that film but just in a cowboy hat. "Mongo only pawn in game of life." So, for that alone, I'm glad this film was made.

JESSE STONE: NO REMORSE (2010)

I’m so dead that they’re going to have to bury me twice. I waited over 10 years to watch the next installment of the Jesse Stone series and I wish I had waited 10 more. Hell, a hundred more! Baby buttfucking Jesus, is this a slow movie.

The film starts in Boston with some dude in a parking garage getting shot in the back of the noodle. At the same time, still-suspended small town police chief Tom Selleck is busy turning down women who want to jump his bones and dealing with a new phone he recently bought. Soon there is a second identical murder and the Boston Police call in Tom Selleck for help. Stuff happens and he gets coffee at a gay bar. The End.

It’s strange, I love the old Magnum, P.I. TV series and can watch it over and over and over. Especially episodes with Higgins, but goddamn this Jesse Stone series is straight-up murdering me! I actually have quite a bit to say about the movie, but I’m so depressed and in so much pain right now that I just wanna publish this turkey and go to bed.

Part 1 - Stone Cold (2005)
Part 2 - Jesse Stone: Night Passage (2006)
Part 3 - Jesse Stone: Death in Paradise (2006)
Part 4 - Jesse Stone: Sea Change (2007)
Part 5 - Jesse Stone: Thin Ice (2009)
Part 7 - Jesse Stone: Innocents Lost (2011)
Part 8 - Jesse Stone: Benefit of the Doubt (2012)
Part 9 - Jesse Stone: Lost in Paradise (2015)

COMPUTERCIDE (1982)

The 1996 of DEMOLITION MAN might have been a crime-filled shithole, but, in COMPUTERCIDE, 1996 is a crime-free paradise filled with weird, funky cars. And since all crimes are solved by computers there is very little use for private detectives. Enter our hero: starving private detective Michael Stringer. While finishing up a missing dog case, he’s contacted by a woman, Lisa, to investigate the death of her father. The computers didn’t find any foul play, but she suspects something is amiss since the dead version of her father is 20 years younger than her real father! Now they must go undercover (as a couple) to the cult-like housing community where her dad lived.

For a lower-budget film made in 1977 and not released until 1982, COMPUTERCIDE is okay. I was able to get through it easy enough. Still, it was rough around the edges and the script didn’t have enough going for it to keep the incredibly handsome viewer engaged. Lackluster acting, bland sets, bland clothing, bland colours, below average pace, unfunny humor, music that didn’t match the scenes, better cast than the script deserves. The title shown on the version I watched for this review called the film FINAL EYE, but all of the television listings I found for August 1, 1982 listed the movie as COMPUTERCIDE. One journalist even suggested that NBC only aired “…this unsold pilot dating back to 1977.” because ABC was airing ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE during the same time slot. I personally like the title COMPUTERCIDE much better and foolishly thought this movie was going to be about either an evil computer killing people in a high-rise skyscraper, a murderous electronic kid’s toy or maybe even somehow an evil computer dating service!

As it is though, COMPUTERCIDE is an interesting television novelty that nerds like myself would find interesting. Everybody else would probably be bored to sleep within 15 minutes.