Tuesday, August 29, 2023

CLASS OF 1999 (1990)

In 1999, things are going to be all kinds of fucked up: Stanley Kubrick is going to evolve into a skeleton, dogs and cats not living together, all the computers in the Universe are going stop working at exactly midnight on New Year’s Eve, Stephen King is going to get run over by a moron playing with his dog, thousands of violent mass suicides inside movie theaters showing WILD WILD WEST and the American public school system will be so f’d that the Department of Education Defense will experiment in using some TERMINATOR-style killbots as teachers. Sounds like a well-thought-out plan. Unfortunately, the three “inhuman teaching monsters” chosen to straighten up the student body of Seattle’s Kennedy High are all completely insane, so before you can say “Hello my baby, Hello my Honey, cum in my rectum now!” the robot teachers have graduated from simple karate moves to MDK. Murder Death Kill.

Time has not been kind to CLASS OF 1999. I remember seeing it in the theater back in 1990 and really enjoying it thanks to the quick pace, above average acting and goofy story, but watching it again now for this brilliantly written review, CO1999 is dated and severely lacking in the action department. Still, it’s worth watching for anybody curious about it.

Steady pace, nostalgic early 1990’s special effects, wacky futuristic clothing, an indoor club where people are constantly firing guns into the air, zero nudity, zero gore, very little blood, “The Nine Inch Nails” in the closing credits, some really old-looking high school students, a background actor who looks a lot like Rose McGowan, a few cool stunts, explosions, Stacy Keach with an albino power mullet.

Part 1 - Class of 1984 (1982)
Part 3 - Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (1994)

Saturday, August 26, 2023


Streamer dork Shawn Ruddy runs a YouTube channel were he does self-destructive and suicidal shit like throwing a donut at some cops, freezing himself to death and…watching two Will Smith movies back-to-back. Just kidding.  Nobody is that suicidal!  Shawn’s viewership has dipped lately, so he pulls out the big guns and announces that he’s going to spend the night in a haunted house. That might sound totally lame, but DEADSTREAM won me over by being original, engaging and full of entertaining twists. Yeah, the overall premise is most likely based on THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, but DEADSTREAM easily surpassed that overrated turkey within the first 30 minutes.

Lightning-fast pace, outstanding acting by the small cast, impressive script that takes the ancient haunted house story idea and turns it into something fun and original, awesome camerawork and special effects, numerous small little tidbits that rewards the viewer for paying attention.

I could ramble on about DEADSTREAM for a long time, but nobody gives a fuck about what I think, so just do yourself a favor instead and check it out. It might even make a great double-feature with WITCHING AND BITCHING.