SUSPIRIA (1977)

Twenty-eight-year-old American ballet student Jessica Harper arrives at a ballet school in Germany just in time to see another student frantically sprinting out the front door and then run off into the woods screaming. The next morning, Jessica learns that that girl was brutally murdered by not only being stabbed multiple times, but also having a cord tied around her neck and then being tossed through the skylight of a tall building. A normal human being would probably start to have second thoughts about this creepy school staffed by creepy people, but not ol’ Jessica. She loves that goddamn ballet! Not that we ever actually get to see her do any of it because the very first time she even tries to do anything physical she falls the fuck out and start bleeding from her nose and mouth. Now too sick to take part in any classes, she sits around her room and counts the footsteps of people in the hallway. It’s all very exciting.

SUSPIRIA has always been praised as being a great horror movie (it’s currently at 7.3/10 on IMDB with 96k votes), but, outside of the soundtrack, I’ve never cared for it. I first saw it back in the 1990’s on VHS and figured that I was missing something because it was probably edited (and it might have been), but I’ve revisited it multiple times over the decades and while it is visually appealing, especially the colours, it’s a fucking slog to get through. The best thing about SUSPIRIA is that awesome soundtrack by Goblin.

Slow pace, kill scenes that are nowhere near as violent as they are hyped up to be, beautiful colours, interesting set designs, the worst case of box stacking in movie history, average acting that leans towards being campy, the origin of the "Stop it!" sample from Ministry's "Psalm 69", Udo Kier in one scene with his voice dubbed over, zero nudity, disappointing ending, thick blood, characters too stupid to live, crazy ass wallpaper, maggots, influential soundtrack that makes up for the disappointing film.

SUSPIRIA isn’t my cup of tea, but still worth watching by horror fans for its historical importance.

Remake - Suspiria (2018)

MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970)

Long ago, in a town full of idiots and sadists lived the witchfinder, Albino.  For the last two years, Albino has engaged in a reign of terror, falsely accusing people of witchcraft for his own financial and sexual gains.  All of that comes crashing to an abrupt end when the prince unexpectedly sends in a new witchfinder, Lord Cumberland.  Unfortunately for the townsfolk...Cumberland is an even bigger dickneck than Albino!

Well, that sucks.  Almost as bad as this movie.  I remember seeing MARK OF THE DEVIL a few hundred years ago and thinking it sucked.  So, I watched it again for this review and it sucked even more than I remember it sucking.  It's definitely not the suckiest suck that ever did suck, it's just really boring!  The vast majority of the movie is annoyingly dubbed talking scenes and then when something finally does happen, it's either fake as hell looking or done offscreen.  Very little violence, a few lame tit scenes that were so poorly photographed that I didn't even bother taking screenshots, mannequins tied up and dropped into the fire, mediocre acting, irritating music that hurt my handsome brain, disappointing ending that made me want to dropkick the disc off the balcony.

Watch it if you want to, but I hope I never have to trudge through this snoozer ever again.  Skip it with a vengeance.

On a side note: during it's initial theatrical run, movie theaters gave out free promotional MARK OF THE DEVIL "sick bags" because the movie was supposedly so violence (I mean, it was "Rated V for Violence"!) that audience members risked barfing during the movie...if they had been more honest, they would have given out free MARK OF THE DEVIL pillows.  Amirite?  

Part 2 - Mark of the Devil Part II (1973)

Modern-day street sign covered up with a basket.