UN CHIEN ANDALOU (1929)

Seven of thirteen dentists most likely agree that Hank Williams probably never released a song called “Look at My Butt.” Collecting injustices. Squirrel sign language. Not a chance, Small Ballz. Bok-Bok 3:16. I wish I hadn’t put that pine cone up my butt for Christmas. Researchers have determined that “The Lumberjack” song by Jackyl was not featured in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Yer butt is turning me on. He turned on the radio right as the announcer promised that “You’ll be eating so much gash, that you’ll be shitting squirt.” Those belong in the Smithsonian next to Corey Haim's table cloth trench coat. I talked to my grandma about this. Every time I look at the artwork for Heaven Can Wait, I think that he’s looking at his cellphone. Have you ever been kissed while in a reclining position? Dongerius Bueller's day off. Burping and thunderfarting like a werewolf.

Cousins who have hooked up with other cousins. Teen punk rock mystery novel set in an all-girl's prep school in 1985. Details involving your trip to the truck stop and your encounters with raccoons, aliens and diarrhea. Zombie attack on nudist camp. Is that Garfield shirt in regular rotation? Sven Thorneck the quattuordecsexual whaling museum curator. An orange 1986 Ford Escort. He makes up for it in the handsome taint department. Cornered by the police in a haunted house, Dymon needed to create a time machine so he drew a circle on the wooden floor with white chalk. It usually starts with polygamy. He only stinks during a full moon. Cellar door. Lol, ugh fuuuuuuckkkk it's sooo hot in Texas fuuuuuckkkk. I ate three bowls of Fiber One this morning and now I gotta go take a goddamn shit! I'm am a idiot. Music that isn't on Spotify. Waiting in line to die. The cyborg girl's pockets sagged with dead gopher meat. I want to see a serious Western about Freddy Krueger in the early 1800's.

Szilveszter Matuska's sexual desires. And my banana pants. Despite being 9 feet tall and half-extraterrestrial, nobody notices and he becomes a detective and part-time movie critic for a local newspaper. Yup the whole mountain village can see you take a krumpus. By the time they reached the Waffle House, a few crucial pieces of Catherine's innards were missing.  A demon-possessed pothole that can move at will and kills people. Odd religious sects. Have DoorDash deliver yo last meal to the cemetery. Nothing fails like prayer. I don't have one single follower for my Prowler In the Yard vs. Twenty One Pilots playlist. Polar bears engulfed in flames. I know what the human centipede did last summer. Haunt me. It was all lies. The door remains shut.

LOS OLVIDADOS (1950)

Long before KIDS or CITY OF GOD there was LOS OLVIDADOS.

Set in the slums of Mexico City, LOS OLVIDADOS tells the story of a group a kids who have mostly been left to fend for themselves.  A few of them have parents but either their parents are non-functioning alcoholics, extremely poor or they just straight up don't care about their children at all.  Piles of garbage, (real onscreen) animal cruelty, dirt roads, filth, violence, implied sexual predator...the small world in which the residents of LOS OLVIDADOS live is a never-ending cycle of despair.

Our main character is Pedro, a young boy who's mother doesn't care if he ever comes home or not.  She doesn't even let him eat when he is there.  He spends the majority of his time hanging out with a rough group of boys.  Lead by the violent Jaibo, the group steals non-stop and entertain themselves by abusing handicap adults.  One day, Pedro witnesses Jailbo beating another kid to death.  This is the beginning of the end for Pedro.

Filled from beginning to end with negative images, LOS OLVIDADOS is a depressing film.  It's not as dark as more recent lost youth films, but for 1950 I imagine LOS OLVIDADOS was quite shocking.  When I first saw it decades ago I thought it was a masterpiece, but watching it again just now, it's definitely aged some.  It's still a wonderful film and required viewing for anybody serious about Cinema, but it's not quite good enough to make it into my Best Film category.  Hopefully one of these days we'll finally get a proper remastered release.