TRESPASS (1992)

Two honky firemen (William Sadler and Bill Paxton) from Crackersville, Arkansas come across a treasure map showing the location of some stolen gold. Problem is the gold is hidden in a factory in East St. Louis which is long closed and now included in the stomping grounds of a violent gang led by King James (Ice-T). But, eh, they being normal peckerwoods and, eh, on a treasure hunt, well they were not going to let a gang of homicidal killers spoil the events of their afternoon. On a day out. It was a day out they were going to remember for a very long time.

TRESPASS is probably one of the most straight-forward 1990’s action movies of all time. There’s zero build-up, zero character introduction, zero flashbacks or side stories, zero sex, zero females, nothing. (Hell, goddamn DEADLY PREY had more story than this movie!) Not that I’m complaining. I actually found the entire wham, bam thank you ma’am (or mx or sir or sirma) approach to be amusing. The film kinda feels like reading a no frills, action-packed short story. I'm surprised there hasn't been a remake.

Solid acting, lots of dramatic pulling out of cell phone antennas (that actually might make a good drinking game), vintage slang, vintage cars and fashions, zero CGI, impressive lower budget stunts, zero nudity. TRESPASS isn’t the height of action cinema or anything, but the first two acts still hold up all these years later. The third act? Not so much. It falls off the rails pretty had during the last 30 minutes or so. Still, it’s always fun to watch Bill Paxton freaking out. That alone is worth watching the movie.

Recommended for all fans of older action movies. Double-feature with JUDGEMENT NIGHT.

Oh yeah, this has nothing to do with the review, but while looking for newspaper ads I noticed that this film was released on Christmas Day, 1992. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea? No wonder it didn't even make it's budget back at the box office.

Now this really, really has nothing to do with the movie, but I was curious about East St. Louis (yes, I know the movie was actually filmed in Atlanta and Memphis), so I started driving around East St. Louis on Google Maps and I found this legendary pothole. I just wanted to share. Imagine hitting that motherfucker late at night in a rain storm!

VERTICAL LIMIT (2000)

Hold on to yer clitoris', motherfuckers!!! From the writer of PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE comes VERTICAL LIMIT, the completely nuts story of a brother (Chris O'Donnell) who will stop at nothing to save his sister (Robin Tunney) who's trapped by an avalanche with the slimy Bill Paxton.

 

The film opens by showing us lowly groundwalkers just how awesome and relaxed the brother and sister are hanging a trillion feet up in the air with nothing to protect them except their climbing gear and gigantic balls. Then...tragedy strikes and the brother's gigantic climbing balls wither up and die. But not his sister!  Oh no, she still has her gigantic climbing testicles and scampers all over the joint like a spider monkey hopped up on hallucinogenic toad puss. That is until one fateful day when she goes climbing with Bill fuckin' Paxton and a powerful storm traps them in a crevasse. Now it's up to brother Chris O'Donnell to re-grow his massive climbing round tables and lead three nitroglycerin-packin' teams of big-balled badasses straight up that mountain's butthole and save his sister!!! Grrrrr!

On a believability scale of 0 - 666, VERTICAL LIMIT scores somewhere around zero point zero. I know very little about mountain climbing, but I'm almost positive that somebody in full mountain climbing gear cannot run and jump 100 feet, face first into a solid wall of frozen rock and save themselves by ramming two hammer spikes into the wall. That said, I enjoyed the movie because it was stupid, yet somehow still tried to be serious. To me, that's pure entertainment. Plus, I like it when Bill Paxton plays a slimeball.

Fast enough pace, dated special effects, annoying as fuck stoner bros that said a bunch of funny stuff but none of it was even remotely funny, impressive (nearly all male) cast, a 27-second scene of Scott Glenn shaving, reality thrown straight out the window, plot holes (dying from a lack of water...in a hole made up of ice and snow; who was doing Morse code on the radio first?), macho climbing talk, enough helicopter action to make Michael Bay spooge, Longmire using his normal(?) voice, mildly disappointing third act.

Recommended for fans of ridiculous action movies.  Would probably make a fun double-feature with TWISTER.