Sunday, October 26, 2014


A wealthy piano player lives in a remote Italian village with a bunch of servants and hangers-on circling around him day and night.  He seems to be in love with his new nurse, but she has the hots for his best friend.  Things happen slowly until finally the piano player dies in an accident.  His relatives object to the will leaving his vast estate to the nurse. Soon after, strange things start to happen like the piano playing in the middle of the night, the dead body's left hand getting cut off and his turncoat lawyer being strangled to death.  Could it be that the dead body's hand has came back from the dead and is attacking anybody who contests his will?!  Not likely.

THE BEAST WITH FIVE FINGERS goes nowhere.  The story takes too long to get moving and once it does you're like "That's it?"  And that ending!  The final act drags on and on for until you're begging the movie to end and once it finally does...there's a joke ending!!!  It's like the filmmakers had zero faith in their product so they just slapped on a goofy ending as an apology or something.  I don't know. 

I like Peter Lorre and I had hopes that TBWFF was going to be like 1935's MADLOVE, but nah it was boring through and through.  I've seen commercials with a more compelling story.  Skip it.

Thursday, October 23, 2014


Four twentysomething-year-old teenagers go to a carnival and for 44 minutes(!!!) walk around talking, playing games, telling and retelling a joke about a dancing duck, eating cotton candy and making out.  Finally they come up with the brilliant idea of jumping the ride at the Funhouse and spending the night inside.  So they get in and after the joint closes...they witness a murder.  This is done with zero tension, but at least something is happening.  The killer has no idea that they're there, so really all they have to do (since the doors are locked) is hide out until morning.  That is until one of these geniuses decides to rob the killer!!  Yes, the same killer they're locked in the Funhouse with.  Hahaha...too stupid to live.  The rest of the movie is just a tensionless, goreless, bloodless snoozefest with a generic looking killer.  There's also an easy escape route, but they never take it.  Pathetic.

Annnnd...that's about it.  Oh yeah, there was two badly shot topless scenes.  Skip it and never look back.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014


President Harrison Ford ain't taking none of your shit, you smelly terrorist buttholes.  Now take your nasty unwashed, ballsackz and "Get off my plane!"

If you couldn't tell by the rousing music and the masses of people staring at him all glowy-eyed, President Harrison Ford is the greatest human in the history of the universe.  So when some naughty terrorist poopheads (lead by Gary Oldman) hijack Air Force One, it's up to President Harrison Ford to fake his escape and then turn the tables on these silly, silly clownheads and give them a twenty-one nut kick salute to the balls!

For a 1990's action film, AIR FORCE ONE still holds up.  It's a little dated in the special effects and visceral action departments, but other than that it's an entertaining timewaster.  I especially liked the performances of the two leads (Ford and Oldman).  Although, I do wish that they would have made Oldman's character more psychotic.  Quick pace, lots of action, patriotism overdose, anti-climatic ending, zero nudity, President Harrison Ford, that one guy looking like he's holding in a very unpatriotic fart for the last half of the movie, explosions, overacting, the Wishmaster getting choked out, average direction.  Would make an interesting double-feature with EXECUTIVE DECISION.

Drinking game idea: every time somebody overrides another person's order, every time Gary Oldman screams and every time somebody sacrifices themselves to save President Harrison Ford's life.