A GODWINK CHRISTMAS: MIRACLE OF LOVE (2021)

You’ve been Godwinked, motherfucker!

Well, it finally happened…I found a Hallmark movie that I didn’t fall in love with: A GODWINK CHRISTMAS: MIRACLE OF LOVE. Things start out well enough when an unemployed white woman who has a supportive boyfriend (you know he’s getting jettisoned!) and an unemployed handsome white dude both sign up for a community service volunteer program that seems to have endless money…I like where this is going! Even better: they all like to talk about god a lot! It’s fucking awesome. But then instead of the awkward, flirty romance stuff that goes on in the other Hallmark movies, shit starts getting serious! What the fuck??? I’m not watching a Hallmark movie to be assaulted with reality; I’m watching it to forget this anguishing hell we’re trapped in! Anyway, the charity is helping a family who lost all of their shit in a house fire (that entire thing was depressing), then the woman hilariously forgets to mention to anybody that she has a long-term boyfriend back home, so now the handsome dude who’s been flirting with her for weeks is devastated (that was the best part of the movie) so he gets a job driving a snowplow and runs himself over! Lol. What the fuck? Like literally zero survival skillz or Safety skillz used, dude just lays in front of the truck and it rolls over him! Lol. Moron. Anyway, ol’ girl has by now dumped her boyfriend and he gets tears in his perfectly trimmed beard. Then, when she gets to the hospital, the dumb dudes family starts giving her potential future trauma by saying that he’s living for her and shit like that. It was kinda awesome. Just guilt-tripping this poor woman that his recovery is solely based on her love for him...not the large truck that rolled over his perfectly-toned torso. I think my favorite part of the movie though was when the editor of the charity newsletter tells ol’ boi that he has to write an article and it needs to be “300 words” like that was challenging. Oh my god, how is he going to write 300 words?! That was so cool. Like whoa, how is he going to be able to write three-hundred words!

Fuck it, maybe I did like this movie, but still, I didn’t care for the more serious aspects. Like the dude getting run over...that was too stressful for me…but it did get me to daydreaming about an odd mix-up of a movie that was 95% CHRISTMAS IN EVERGREEN and 5% BULLY (2001), the Larry Clark film. That would be amazing! Hell, I still want to write that G-Rated Bible Camp slasher film I was talking about years ago in the BLOODY MURDER review. Ohhh, maybe a Godwink vs. Final Destination movie!

Despite not liking this film as much as other Hallmark movies, I still enjoyed the more traditional parts that were like uplifting and talking about hope and love and kindness and all that fictional stuff that doesn’t actually exist in real life.

28 YEARS LATER (2025)

Wat da fuq?

Seeing as how I’m both the most well-respected and highest paid movie critic in the known Universe, I decided to do my due diligence and revisit the first two films in the “28 Days Later” series before watching this new installment. And yep, they’re both still a 5/10 at best.

Alright, so let’s get to it: Twenty-eight years after the original outbreak of the Rage Virus, a 12-year-old boy, Spike (I’m guessing his parents were Buffy fans), lives with his family on a small British island that’s protected by the tides coming in and out, creating a natural barrier from the mainland Infected. There’s a small, fenced community on the island and when the children (boys only, no girls?) turn 15 they have a coming-of-age ritual where they go to the mainland, kill a zombie and teabag it or something. I don’t know, my brain started drifting when we’re told that the boy is only 12. Like, what the fuck? Why exactly is this dude going out three goddamn years early for? It’s like the movie created its own problem and never even explained it. (Or maybe it did and I missed it during one of my multiple, protracted yawning sessions.) Some townfolk say that Spike is too young, the dad says nope he’s old enough. Then once they get out of the gate, ol’ Spike starts fucking shit up left and right and even gets a few people killed!

Also, don’t even get me started on the goddamn doctor drugging the one zombie and letting him go, only to be bounced up and down like a goddamn Harlem Globetrotter basketball later on by the same exact zombie! Is this zombie your pet or something? Kill the motherfucker!

I don’t know. I was honestly looking forward to this film because I was expecting some badass zombie action, but instead I got weird camera effects, lens flares flying all over the joint and zombies treated more like annoying pests than deadly threats. I wanted to like 28 YEARS LATER, but by time it was over I wanted to parkour my 4K disc through a fucking window.

Part 1 - 28 Days Later... (2002)
Part 2 - 28 Weeks Later (2007)
Part 4 - 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple (2026)