28 YEARS LATER (2025)

Wat da fuq?

Seeing as how I’m both the most well-respected and highest paid movie critic in the known Universe, I decided to do my due diligence and revisit the first two films in the “28 Days Later” series before watching this new installment. And yep, they’re both still a 5/10 at best.

Alright, so let’s get to it: Twenty-eight years after the original outbreak of the Rage Virus, a 12-year-old boy, Spike (I’m guessing his parents were Buffy fans), lives with his family on a small British island that’s protected by the tides coming in and out, creating a natural barrier from the mainland Infected. There’s a small, fenced community on the island and when the children (boys only, no girls?) turn 15 they have a coming-of-age ritual where they go to the mainland, kill a zombie and teabag it or something. I don’t know, my brain started drifting when we’re told that the boy is only 12. Like, what the fuck? Why exactly is this dude going out three goddamn years early for? It’s like the movie created its own problem and never even explained it. (Or maybe it did and I missed it during one of my multiple, protracted yawning sessions.) Some townfolk say that Spike is too young, the dad says nope he’s old enough. Then once they get out of the gate, ol’ Spike starts fucking shit up left and right and even gets a few people killed!

Also, don’t even get me started on the goddamn doctor drugging the one zombie and letting him go, only to be bounced up and down like a goddamn Harlem Globetrotter basketball later on by the same exact zombie! Is this zombie your pet or something? Kill the motherfucker!

I don’t know. I was honestly looking forward to this film because I was expecting some badass zombie action, but instead I got weird camera effects, lens flares flying all over the joint and zombies treated more like annoying pests than deadly threats. I wanted to like 28 YEARS LATER, but by time it was over I wanted to parkour my 4K disc through a fucking window.

Part 1 - 28 Days Later... (2002)
Part 2 - 28 Weeks Later (2007)
Part 4 - 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple (2026)

CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY (2023)

Sarah was raised Amish and now works in Chicago as a cookbook editor. She takes a trip back to her family farm to make a cookbook based on her family’s recipes. While there she learns that her dad has hired an outsider as a handyman. This attractive outsider, Dean, also happens to be a widower (due to his shitty driving skillz) and a “bestselling” artist / writer with writers block. I’m sure you can guess the rest. That’s right: Dean’s young daughter steals a joke from DUMB AND DUMBER.

I watched CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY due to my interest in PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING, but there’s really no comparing to two. Which in itself is fascinating because both films are soulless, but soulless in different ways! Honestly, I could talk about this film for hours. It’s fucking mind-blowing at just how nothing this movie is. Like every single aspect of the movie was completely void of personality or imagination. It was kinda awesome. As somebody who’s (handsome) brain is exploding with hundreds of novel-length stories daily, it was refreshing to sit down and watch something so dull. It’s like Valium for your brain!

Steady pace, nothing story, unrealistic dialogue, trite upbeat acting that had me rolling my gorgeous eyeballs non-stop, zero nudity, zero gore, extras waiting on the main actors, not one single song by the band Marty Buttworm, fake snow (and only placed around where the actors were standing), a Second Christmas on Dec. 26th, food illustrations a la The Great British Baking Show, a few outdoor scenes that looked like they were filmed on a green screen, very small cast. Does lemon juice really keep banana slices from turning brown??

I liked CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY and had a blast watching it. At one point I even smacked myself on the forehead with the palm of my hand. But I was a little confused by the lack of religion in this film. Very early in the film, our hero says, “Happy holidays” not “Merry Christmas”, so I was expecting that to be foreshadowing of some kind of coming to Christ bullshit later on, but…nope. Outside of one random Bible verse and a Nativity Story play, there’s very little mention of religion at all. Although, at the end of the movie Sarah does say “Merry Christmas.” Praise Jesus. Also, I was severely disappointed by the lack of shit-talking about city folk.

Meh, I have a bunch more to say, but nobody reads this shit.