GRANNY KRAMPUS (2024)

Six family members, each duller than the next, gather together at grandmother’s country estate for Christmas. Nothing happens for a very long time, then eventually a silly-looking troll critter in a Santa suit shows up and kills a few people in extremely boring ways. The End.

I will give it to the filmmakers, GRANNY KRAMPUS is a fucking awesome name for a movie! Unfortunately, that’s where all creativity ends. The main problem I have with this film is why does it have to be so goddamn dreary? You have two depressed sisters (whose parents recently died) visiting their estranged (and creepy) grandmother who lives with her invalid, brain dead brother in a poorly lit house. Then, the adult son (who is an alcoholic and gambling addict) visits with his socially awkward, “true horror podcast” loving son who appears to have the personality of an iceberg made out of frozen three-toed sloth urine. Once together, everybody argues and acts like dickheads. Merry Christmas!

I was wide awake while watching GRANNY KRAMPUS, but even still, I started zoning in and out during these long, pointless scenes of sad people talking. Then, when the Krampus kritter finally showed up I was honestly confused for a few seconds because I had completely forgotten that I was watching a horror movie! And that’s not a joke. It really did happen. I was like “What the fuck is that thing? Oh, yeah, this is a horror movie!”

Slow pace that never goes anywhere, boring monster, weak kills, very little blood, zero gore, zero nudity, zero cheerleaders, average acting (but I do have to commend everybody cause they had literally nothing to work with), shit script, okay camerawork, pretty house, a disappearing car driver, shadow of camera on actor’s shoulder. As a horror movie, GRANNY KRAMPUS is a disappointing nothing of a movie. But as therapy, it was kinda nice. Very quiet, lots of long boring scenes, no jump scares, no ups, no downs, no surprises. It was very chill and gave me lots of time to zone out. I appreciated that. As a matter of fact, as I'm writing this, Charlie is still sleeping on the sofa. Looks like he's been shot with a tranquilizer dart.

So, should you watch GRANNY KRAMPUS? Nah, it’s a 2/10 max and totally forgettable. But…THE JACK IN THE BOX: AWAKENING is a 4/10. So that’s twice as good, right? Similar British(?) country estate setting and a much better killer.  Yeah, I know all of the Jack in the Box movies suck, but I still have faith in the series.

SMILE 2 (2024)

Voss Water presents Damn, This Motherfucker Is Trippin’! a.k.a. Smile 2.

[This is simply a placeholder until I can get my hands on a physical copy for a real review with screenshots. But yeah, I enjoyed S2. It’s definitely better than the first film. Although, the double jump scares did get old. If I can find inspiration between now and then to write a legit review, then I will. But I’ll probably just wait until I can watch it again at home and take notes. Until then I'll just re-watch Angel season 2, episode 2.]

Finally got a physical copy to take screenshots from and man it was hard to get through SMILE 2 a second time. Watching it for the first time in the movie theater was enjoyable since the storytelling was so frantic, but now that I know all of the twists already...it was a chore to watch again. Still, above average thriller with an okay amount of bloody effects. Zero nudity, no sense of real danger, annoying characters that were fun to root against, jump scene overdose, nice sets, a Talking Heads shirt, too many scenes set at night, lead actress that occasionally looked like Buffy (charity speech scene).

Overall, SMILE 2 is better than part 1 and a small step in the right direction. Hopefully, the next installment will be completely bonkers.

Post-review note: I still haven't tried Voss Water, but I intent to. Shit made me thirsty watching this movie!

Part 1 - Smile (2022)

LEFT BEHIND: RISE OF THE ANTICHRIST (2023)

I love Jesus as much as the next motherfucker, but goddamn, I wish my fellow Christians would at least try to learn some storytelling / moviemaking skills. Right from the opening credits, things look bleak (or promising if you’re a fan of bad movies) when a condescending narrator and a smug news reporter both start talking separately (while stock footage plays) about something called “The Vanishing” where “tens of millions” of humans simply disappeared without a trace. We’re then introduced to a tech billionaire (Neal McDonough) who seems to be up to some sinister shenanigans and a sad Vanishing widower (Kevin Sorbo) standing in a closet smelling his disappeared wife’s clothing and moping around the house like a loser. Then, much to my horror (glee), we’re reintroduced to the newscaster guy who I thought was a bit player but is actually the main character! Oh, the horror, the horror. It’s awesome! Anyway, the news reporter guy is investigating a rising political figure who might actually be the Antichrist. And...I guess that's it. The extent of the entire movie.  Oh yeah, the newscaster is dating Sorbo's character's daughter.  What a small world.

I wanted to enjoy this movie (I absolutely love the idea of The Rapture) but LEFT BEHIND: RISE OF THE ANTICHRIST was a huge disappointment.  I was really hoping for some hardcore psychotic Christian drama, but nope.  It's just too weak and uninspired to be enjoyable. The story is a mess and never goes anywhere, but even worse is the look of the film. I don’t know what you call the bland look of this movie, but honestly, it was fucking offensive. It felt like everything had been drained of its life and humanity. Colin Robinson from What We Do in the Shadows couldn’t even make something this dull and lifeless!

Good acting by the three main professional actors (Neal McDonough, Corbin Bernsen and Bailey Chase), offensively soulless cinematography, bland sets, dead script filled with dead dialogue, zero tension, zero nudity, not even one song by the band Throat Piss, disappointing ending, one scene with a Jesusvision effect that was kind of neat, a guy noticing a car bomb and instead of running away just stands there screaming (I went back and timed it, he had 5 seconds to get away), some innocent grave robbing for Christ, simplistic script about a worldwide event but only focuses on a few people, some innocent littering for Christ, not enough preaching, not enough stuff about the antichrist, multiple scenes where the cameraperson was visible, a couple of salvation scenes that were very subdued and disappointing, drab colours, boring music, illegally flying a small aircraft over downtown New York City with no issue at all.

Overall, LEFT BEHIND: RISE OF THE ANTICHRIST is worth watching if you enjoy cheesy cinema, but if you're looking for a serious film then skip it.

Original series
Left Behind: The Movie (2000)
Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (2002)
Left Behind: World at War (2005)

Reboot
Left Behind (2014)

Spin-off
Vanished - Left Behind: Next Generation (2016)