KRAMPUS (2015)

Boasting a cast way better than the story deserves, KRAMPUS is about a kid who is so upset about people's lack of Christmas spirit that he rips up his heartfelt letter to Santa and tosses it out the window.  This causes Krampus and his minions to show up and start wrecking the joint.  It's kinda like how in XANADU when the artist got upset, ripped up his drawings and tossed the pieces out the window causing Olivia Newton-John and her sisters to show up and start wrecking the joint...with their awesome dance moves!

For a lightweight, PG-13 holiday horror film KRAMPUS is alright.  It's more like an extended episode of an 80's horror anthology show (like "Tales from the Darkside") than an actual horror movie. I am curious as to why the film was named after Krampus when Krampus himself didn't do anything?  For real.  The dude ran around out in the snow for a bit, sent in his minions to take care of everybody then at the very end of the film he just stood there staring at the kid.  The End.

No blood, no nudity, no gore, no scares, very little foul language, slow pace.  I was halfway entertained while watching it, but I didn't care at all about any of the characters. Worth a watch, I guess, but it's nothing to get excited about. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm gonna go to the shitter and drop a krampus of my own!

PIRANHA 3DD (2012)

First off this movie is only 70 minutes long. I don't even know if that's a complaint or a complement because by the time that 70th minute rolled around I was damn sure happy when the credits started rolling...for 13 minutes!!! The padded (with bloopers) end credits stretched out the total runtime to 83 minutes, but it felt like 3 hours.

The movie opens with a dead cow in the water, piranha eggs pop out of it's pussy...why?! Why am I wasting my time with this junk when I have a whole stack of Kurosawa and Ozu movies over here? I hate myself and my morbid curiosity...anyway, cow pussy. You gotta dead cow, it's gotta dead cow pussy and out of this dead cow pussy pops piranha eggs. The piranhas promptly go to a nearby water park and eat a bunch of people. Some ugly chicks get topless. David Hasselhoff shows up. The End.

The story, what there is of it, concerns a girl (Danielle Panabaker) bickering with her stepfather about him opening up an adult themed water park and her friends who work at the water park, including a nerd who is secretly in love with her. Yawn. The story is junk, the violence is garbage, the jokes are beyond lame, the nudity wasn't even worth me taking screenshots of and the acting is barely one step above a Troma movie.

The only reason I can think of to watch this stinker is Danielle Panabaker is attractive.  Other than that skip it with a vengeance and never look back.

Part 1 - Piranha (1978)
Part 2 - Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)

Remake - Piranha (1995)

Reboot 1 - Piranha (2010)

PAUL (2011)

Maybe I have a pickle up my ass, but I never even cracked smiled once during this movie. I like science fiction comedies (GALAXY QUEST, SPACEBALLS, etc.), but PAUL was a complete dud. Fucking FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR was funnier than this abortion. "Compliance!"

The story is about two sci-fi dorks who are on a road trip checking out different UFO tourist attractions when they witness a car wreck out on a desolate desert highway.  At the crash site they find Paul. Paul is an alien who's on the run from the government, so the two nerds decide to drive him to a location where an alien spaceship can pick him up. Many different alien anal probe and alien testicles comments later the film ends and I sat there in complete amazement that somebody could write a "comedy" script so lame and actually get it made!

I have no idea what anybody could even find funny about this movie. Was there even one joke? Maybe it was all nerd in-jokes that went right over my head. Whatever.  I found it completely weak, with too much drama bullshit going on for my comedic tastes.

Skip it and never look back.