FRANCIS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE (1956)

Francis series regulars Donald O'Connor and Chill Wills and series director Arthur Lubin didn’t appear in this film. Why? I have no clue. I wish I did know, but I don’t.

The film opens with two men tumbling a boulder down a hill overlooking a secluded road. The boulder hits a passing car and kills the driver. The murder is witnessed by none other than our old buddy Francis the shit talking mule. Francis calls a dude (Mickey Rooney) who used to ride Francis when he was a kid and Francis lived on the boy’s uncle’s farm. What the fuck? Why does it have to be so complicated? Anyway, this dude, David Prescott, is nearly as bumbling as Peter Stirling was and within just a few hours of Francis telling him about the murder…David’s arrested for the murder himself! Fucking idiot. Eventually, David escapes from police custody with the help of Francis and they go creeping around the bowels of a local haunted castle looking to solve the murder themselves. That sounds more exciting than it actually was.

When I first heard the name FRANCIS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE I was like "Whoa, Francis versus a bunch of ghosts! That's awesome!" I was picturing all kinds of wacky Scooby-Doo hijinks with snippets of THE GHOST IN THE INVISIBLE BIKINI and GHOST OF DRAGSTRIP HOLLOW added into the mix. Maybe even some damsels in need of saving. But nope, no ghosts or ghouls or bloodthirsty apes, hell, not even a lot of Francis. At least a not enough for me.

Weak story, uninspired script, okay acting, impressive supporting cast full of familiar faces including Richard Deacon, Timothy Carey, David Janssen (in his third Francis series appearance) and William Boyett (who you probably remember from 1987's THE HIDDEN), boring action scenes, zero substantial female roles. FRANCIS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE is an alright film. I wanted to like the movie more than I did, but the whole thing just left me wanting more and never getting it. Worth watching for completionists, but that's about it.

Part 1 - Francis (1950)
Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 3 - Francis Goes to West Point (1952)
Part 4 - Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)
Part 5 - Francis Joins the WACS (1954)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)

HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI (1965)

The Beach series really fell off the rails on this one.  Released just two months(!!!) after BEACH BLANKET BINGO, HTSAWB is a unfunny pile of dolphin testicles.  Frankie Avalon is now a sailor.  Stationed in Tahiti, he's knee deep in pussy.  One day, a native girl that he's banging playfully mentions that his girlfriend Dee Dee (Annette) is probably getting lots of strange dick while he's away.  This infuriates Frankie, so he hires a witch doctor (Buster Keaton) to have a bird spy on Annette and send a girl that can stuff a wild bikini to steal all the attention from the boys.  Meanwhile, Mickey Rooney and Brian Donlevy are ad execs searching for the "boy and girl next door" for an advertising campaign.  The male winner of the campaign, Dobie Gillis, excuse me, I mean, Dwayne Hickman falls for Annette, but Mickey and Brain have their sights set on the witchdoctor's decoy...and so does Eric Von Zipper.

That might not sound too bad, but trust me, it's a fucking snoozefest.  All of the jokes are D.O.A., the acting is stale and the songs!  Oh my god, they suck.  Forced, lifeless, talentless and torture to listen to.  In the older films the songs mostly had a natural feel to them, whether it was Frankie and Annette walking on the beach together or a band in the clubhouse, but here there songs just come out of nowhere.  People are talking then suddenly "The perfect boy doesn't have to be a Hercules (Hercules).  The perfect boy doesn't have to be Euripides ('ripdies)."  Euripides?!! Hahahaha!  Sadly, that's probably the best song in the movie, but those dumbass lyrics cracked me up.

Lame musical numbers, unfunny jokes, overacting, stupid story, Annette wearing tons of clothing since she was pregnant during the filming, Frankie reduced to probably less than 10 minutes of screentime, stupid motorcycle race finale, weak end credits without any go-go dancing.  The only funny thing was Eric Von Zipper and the Rats and they weren't that funny.  Skip it with a vengeance or watch it to make fun of.

Part 1 - Beach Party (1963)
Part 2 - Muscle Beach Party (1964)
Part 3 - Bikini Beach (1964)
Part 4 - Pajama Party (1964)
Part 5 - Beach Blanket Bingo (1965)
Part 7 - The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)
Part 8 - Back to the Beach (1987)