Saturday, October 9, 2010

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) (2009)

Accomplished surgeon, who happens to also be as crazy as a shithouse rat, has a fantasy to create an ass-to-mouth conjoined triplet out of three adults. He succeeds. The End.

Excellent idea for a movie, actually it's fucking fantastic!!! Too bad writer/director Tom Six is only mildly talented. When I die and go to Heaven maybe Jesus will convince Stanley Kubrick, David Cronenberg, Chris Cunningham, Pier Pasolini or an GOZU-era Miike to remake it for me. Until then I just have to hope that the sequel is better and not as weak and watered-down as the original. I mean, c'mon, if you're going to make a movie about such a perverse subject matter you might as well go all the way. That's what the audience wants to see, but they never get to! Instead there's a small build-up with very little tension, an unneeded chase sequence, the non-graphic surgery, the non-graphic revealing of the silly-looking centipede, a little about the training of the centipede (my favorite part) and then the standard horror movie ending.

There was zero tension, it wasn't shocking or disturbing and the entire thing just felt goofy and cheaply done. Also it never shows the centipede fully healed. That's what I wanted to see goddamn it! And it never pissed, what's up with that?. What would have been an interesting twist is if the centipede's brains completely broke and it started to enjoy itself. That would have been interesting. Also why was there a dude in the centipede? I would have rather seen three attractive females.

There were so many ways this movie could have been cool, but it wasn't. Not even close. It's all hype and in the end hugely disappointing. The best part of the movie ended up being the guy who played the mad doctor. He was great and looked truly disturbed.

Here's an idea for Part 2...what if there's two doctors and one of them wants to be the A unit of the centipede! He also has a fetish where he gets off on females vomiting into his asshole, so to satisfy this perverse desire he (in the head centipede position) eats really disgusting food that will give him bad gas and diarrhea. Now that's a story!!! P.S. he also has a crotchless dressing and pops boners and masturbates furiously while the B unit pukes into his butt.

Part 2 - The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)
Part 3 - The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence)

I understand A and B have dressing on for healing purposes, but why does C wear underwear? She should be completely nude. Also, I don't know about you, but my butthole isn't at the base of my spine.