Wednesday, June 23, 2021


"...douche bag, gutter slime, dog crap, puke chunks."

A very large dinosaur with nasty, big, pointy teeth beats the shit out of a Japanese fishing boat, then stomps giant mud holes all over Panama. Then, before you can say “I wish they’d make a crossover of American Pickers and WRONG TURN.”, this humongous dinosaur is running all over New York City like a chicken with his dick cut off smashing the shit out of everything. Added to this excitement, is Matthew Broderick as a scientist.

To any nerd who cares about such things, this American reimagining of the beloved Godzilla franchise is a complete turd. And, as somebody who actually saw GODZILLA in the theater on opening weekend way back in ye olde 1998, I would've agreed with you back then, but now as a crusty old dickslinger with enough knife handles sticking out of my back that I kinda look like the original Godzilla, this goofy movie has grown on me.

The main trick is to completely dismiss it as a Godzilla movie and instead look at it like a late 1990’s high-budget monster movie. After that, just turn off your brain and embrace what an amazing time-capsule this movie is.  Poorly written script, pay phones, VCR's, tube televisions, odd pacing, pre-September 11th New York City, bizarre casting...including three actors from The Simpsons, a ridiculous soundtrack, an awesome old Taco Bell bag, a television newscaster called "Fat Pat", corporate sponsor overkill, multiple nods to other movies, NYC stereotypes, terrible dialogue, a full-screen viewing of Godzilla's crotch, overacting overdose, a Swatch Watch advertisement, early instant messaging, charmingly dated special effects, Ferris Bueller getting very flexible in that elevator, a Blockbuster Video sign not on the DVD release, looters piling unboxed electronics into the back of an uncovered truck during a heavy rain storm, a baby Godzilla eating a bag of popcorn...and so so much more.  I honestly think that I could give a four-hour presentation on this movie.

For an actual Godzilla movie, GODZILLA is terrible, but as simple does the job. Especially if you like bad movies. If you need me, I'll be in my room watching the surprisingly enjoyable cartoon sequel, Godzilla: The Series.

Showa era (1954 – 1975)
Part 1 – Godzilla (1954)
Part 2 - Godzilla Raids Again (1955)
Part 3 - King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962)
Part 4 - Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964)
Part 5 - Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964)
Part 6 - Invasion of Astro-Monster (1965)
Part 7 - Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966)
Part 8 - Son of Godzilla (1967)
Part 9 - Destroy All Monsters (1968)
Part 10 - All Monsters Attack (1969)
Part 11 - Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)
Part 12 - Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)
Part 13 - Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973)
Part 14 - Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)
Part 15 - Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)

Heisei era (1984 – 1995)
Part 16 - The Return of Godzilla (1984)
Part 17 Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)
Part 18 Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991)
Part 19 - Godzilla vs. Mothra (1992)
Part 20 - Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (1993)
Part 21 - Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla (1994)
Part 22 - Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995)

Millennium era (1999 – 2004)
Part 23 - Godzilla 2000: Millennium (1999)
Part 24 - Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)
Part 25 - Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001)
Part 26 - Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002)
Part 27 - Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003)
Part 28 - Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

Reiwa era (2016 – )
Part 29 - Shin Godzilla (2016)
Part 30 - Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017)
Part 31 - Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (2018)
Part 32 - Godzilla: The Planet Eater (2018)

Part 1 - Godzilla (2014)
Part 2 - Kong: Skull Island (2017)
Part 3 - Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)
Part 4 - Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)

“Localized” releases
Godzilla, King of the Monsters! (1956)
King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
Godzilla (1976)
Godzilla 1985 (1985)