ANACONDA (1997)

A sweaty group of nerds take a boat down the Amazon River in order to make a documentary about a long-lost indigenous Amazonian tribe.  Along the way, they make the wise choice of picking up a hitchhiker. This dude immediately starts talking hella mad shit.  Then before you can ask “How the fuck has HBO still not discovered Robert McCammon?”, there’s a big ass computer-generated snake floating around eating people.

I remember seeing ANACONDA in the theater back in 1997 and being severely disappointed at how bland, weak and soulless it was. It hasn’t gotten any better with age.  Zero blood, zero gore, zero nudity, zero tension.  Just a bunch of actors running around some crappy-looking boat collecting a paycheck.  The idea of a large killer snake hunting humans is ripe with entertaining possibilities, but none of them are present here.

For some misguided reason I thought it would be fun to revisit ANACONDA for a review. Maybe I was too young to enjoy it back in 1997?  Maybe it’d be fun to giggle at?  Nope. Instead, I just sat there dumbfounded that it was even worse than I remember it being. Shit script, Danny Trejo’s name in the opening credits even though he dies during the opening scene and only has around 1:22 minutes of screentime, bland colours, bland acting, bland cinematography, bland action scenes, bland special effects, bland dialogue…you know what?  Fuck this movie, fuck this review.  I’ve already wasted too much time on this stinky bowel movement. Watch it if you want, maybe you and your friends will get some laughs out of it. Just don’t expect a good movie.

[Note: As I was proofreading this review, I noticed that today is April 11 and ANACONDA was released 26 years ago today on April 11, 1997. Happy birthday, you boring piece of fuck.]

Part 2 - Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)
Part 3 - Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)
Part 4 - Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)
Part 5 - Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015)

HELLRAISER: DEADER (2005)

Another HELLRAISER movie, another story about a poor schmuck seeing weird visions and tries to figure out what's going on.  This time around it's investigative reporter Kari Wuhrer who's in Romania to investigate a nerd cult of dorks who call themselves "Deaders". According to a videotape (what the hell?! I thought this movie was released in 2005!), the Deaders can commit suicide and then through some special power of their leader...come back to life. Somehow, Pinhead is involved in all of this. I could explain it, but it really not important.  Mild violence we've already seen before, medium to slow pace, Kari Wuhrer in unflattering clothes, totally forgettable cult leader (who kinda looks like FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks), mild blood, zero gore and Pinhead is only onscreen for like 5 minutes total.

Not a horrible watch, but boring and unoriginal.

Part 1 - Hellraiser (1987)
Part 2 - Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)
Part 3 - Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)
Part 4 - Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)
Part 5 - Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)
Part 6 - Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)
Part 8 - Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)
Part 9 - Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)
Part 10 - Hellraiser: Judgement (2018)
Remake - Hellraiser (2022)