LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)

Divided up into numerous smaller stories, LOVE ACTUALLY insults any human who possesses empathy and/or an IQ above room temperature with multiple vomitous, I mean, romantic tales about love.  For example: a woman is recently married and then when she discovers that her husband’s best friend likes her, she cheats on her husband with the best friend.  How romantic!  In another story, a husband is cheating on his wife and only after his heartbroken wife confronts him about it does he admit that he is a fool.  Too late now motherfucker!  In yet another heartstring tugger, a man catches his wife and his brother fucking, so he rebounds by seducing his non-English speaking housekeeper.  Wow.  That’s lovely.

The cast is very impressive and the acting is fine, but this movie can go straight fuck itself.  I hate the way it’s filmed, the musical cues for the intellectually stunted are insulting and the overall message is absolute rubbish.  If your marketing campaign is about how the movie is super romantic, then maybe have the film feature characters who are emotionally evolved enough to actually be honest with each other.  I’d rather be alone forever than get tricked into a relationship with a dishonest, soulless, weak-minded, chickenshit cheating sack of shit. Go feed yourself more lies.

Years ago I had the supreme misfortune to meet one subhuman in particular who thought this movie was actually romantic. She ended up having the personality of a war criminal and the morals of a tomcat who enjoys raping kittens to death, so maybe LOVE ACTUALLY is a good test to see if a person is a vile inhuman piece of shit or not.

A WALK IN THE WOODS (2015)

Mildly entertaining lightweight comedy about a aging travel writer (Robert Redford) who's beginning to face the fact that he's getting old.  Spurred on by this reality, he teams up with his old buddy Nick Nolte and they beginning walking the 2,200 miles long Appalachian Trail...without any preparation (other than buying a few supplies).  I don't even think they looked at a map because two months in they're completely shocked to learn that they're not even halfway to their destination despite the fact that Redford said at the beginning of their journey it would take 5 months or so.

I wanted to enjoy A WALK IN THE WOODS, but the whole thing just felt very disjointed.  There's little introduction to either of Redford or Nolte's characters and the entire walking along the Appalachian Trail doesn't have any feeling of progress or hardship.  Both characters look the same the entire film (even their hair stays the same).  Also they ride in a car at one point, stay in a hotel, eat at multiple restaurants.  I've never walked the Appalachian Trail, so all of these things were very confusing to me.  I thought it was all about being in nature and camping, not hitchhiking and sleeping in motels.  Another thing, besides the weak script, was weird stuff going on in the background.  There's multiple scenes that looked really really fake, like they were acting in front of a screen or in a studio.  That took me out of the movie.

Overall, I liked the film and I'm glad I watched it (I always enjoy seeing Redford and Nolte), but I just wish the script and direction had been better.  Oh yeah, Emma Thompson and Mary Steenburgen are both in this film as well, but their roles are so small that they're only on screen for a few minutes each.

Vermont and New Hampshire switched.

Somebody in the background controlling traffic.