THE VISITOR (1979)

[Update 7/2/2019: I want to revisit this movie. Maybe I missed something. Need to fix the screenshots also.]

It's probably safe to say that the makers of this films were baked out of their fucking skulls.

From what I gathered, John Huston is a super old wizard or something and a shitload of years ago he kicked some dude's ass and that dude somehow spread his seed all over the universe. So now Huston is going around capturing this dude's offspring and returning them to some room where they hang out with some blue-eyed hippie that looks like Jesus.

Huston's latest travels bring him to Atlanta where he's tracking down a little girl and her killer falcon. She shouldn't be too hard to find though, just look for the foul-mouthed little girl with the glowing eyes who's busy throwing other kids through windows, tossing somebody into a large aquarium, shooting her mother in the back (leaving her paralyzed), kicking people down the stairs and causing all kinds of bizarre freak accidents.

As far as THE OMEN ripoffs go, this one is definitely one of the strangest and most discombobulated. And I'm not saying that in a good way. This movie is a mess. The story is silly, the special effects are shit, the music doesn't even belong in this type of film, there's little violence and the pace is almost torture. The only thing saving this movie from being a complete piece of shit is the cast. How the filmmakers talked so many talented actors to be in this movie I have no idea. They must have blown their entire budget on getting names on the marquee when they should have been concentrating on the script.

Good for a few laughs, but beyond that forget it. That poster is awesome though. It reminds me of the one from TERRORVISION.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)

The filmmakers should thank the person who came up with that poster concept/art for every dollar this film made.

The coolest kids at school, "The Top Ten", are disappearing one-by-one. What could it be? Aliens? Wookalars? Zombie hummingbirds pecked out their eyes and now they can't find their way to school?  Maybe they're just falling asleep due to the boring script?  Nope, it's some butthole killing them because of some dumb reason. Honestly, it doesn't matter, because by the time you get to the end you'll be 99 and 44/100% asleep. Not because it's a horrible movie, just a long-winded one that has zero idea what a slasher movie audience wants. A slasher audience wants insane violence, hot nudity, blood, gore, a fun story and a badass killer. HBTM has none of those things. There's very little violence, the killer is weak, zero nudity, only a handful of blood, weak gore and the story is overly complicated.

Not a bad watch, but nothing to get excited about either. As far as early 80's slashers go, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME is watchable and fun to laugh at, but average.

He bet somebody $20 he could make that jump. Totally worth it.