HEREDITARY (2018)

"...the characters had no hope. They never had hope..."

HEREDITARY is fucking dope.  If you haven't seen it, fuck this shitty review and just go watch it.  Twice.  The first time to be disturbed and the second time to enjoy how masterfully director/writer Ari Aster unfolds the story.  The story itself, once you figure it out, isn't all that original (Remember Mary Young Cheney Greeley from your history classes?), but the way the story is presented on the screen is goddamn amazing.  I love it!  I wish there were more movies like this.  Hell, I wish I could live in a movie like this.  Especially the last act.

The home life of the Graham family ain't all that great.  Sure, they might live in an awesome house on a nice quiet neighborhood, but instead of living the good life, the daughter is cutting the heads off of small animals, the son is bashing his face into a desk, the father is bursting into flames and the mother, well, you don't even wanna know what she's up to!  Shit will give you fucking nightmares.

I could go on about HEREDITARY for a long time (the symbols, the stuff in the classrooms, the dude at the funeral, etc.), but I don't want to ruin it too much for anybody who hasn't seen it.  Just watch it.  Pay attention to the small details.  Put your goddamn phone down and pay attention.  Watch it alone.  At night.  With the lights down low.

If you need me, I'll be in my treehouse praying to Paimon for Hereditary 2: Electric Boogaloo. 

P.S. Bring your dick!

KRAMPUS (2015)

Boasting a cast way better than the story deserves, KRAMPUS is about a kid who is so upset about people's lack of Christmas spirit that he rips up his heartfelt letter to Santa and tosses it out the window.  This causes Krampus and his minions to show up and start wrecking the joint.  It's kinda like how in XANADU when the artist got upset, ripped up his drawings and tossed the pieces out the window causing Olivia Newton-John and her sisters to show up and start wrecking the joint...with their awesome dance moves!

For a lightweight, PG-13 holiday horror film KRAMPUS is alright.  It's more like an extended episode of an 80's horror anthology show (like "Tales from the Darkside") than an actual horror movie. I am curious as to why the film was named after Krampus when Krampus himself didn't do anything?  For real.  The dude ran around out in the snow for a bit, sent in his minions to take care of everybody then at the very end of the film he just stood there staring at the kid.  The End.

No blood, no nudity, no gore, no scares, very little foul language, slow pace.  I was halfway entertained while watching it, but I didn't care at all about any of the characters. Worth a watch, I guess, but it's nothing to get excited about. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm gonna go to the shitter and drop a krampus of my own!

FRIGHT NIGHT (2011)

If this FRIGHT NIGHT was the first FRIGHT NIGHT ever made, nobody would be clamoring for a remake...come to think of it, I can't remember anybody clamoring for a remake to begin with! Oh well, the damage is done so let's give it a shot and see what they've done. Who knows, maybe it's awesome...

...it's not. The film opens with a vampire killing a family. The scene is so vague and brief that I could barely even register what was happening. Next we are introduced to Charley Brewster, an average teen with an unaveragely pretty girlfriend (well at least that's one improvement over the original!). Charley's normal life is turned upside down when his friend, Evil Ed, informs him that his new neighbor is a vampire...already, this movie is diverging so much from the original that it might as well just be a completely new story all together.  Anyway, so once Charley discovers his neighbor is a vampire, he contacts a local celebrity, Peter Vincent, for help. Peter is no longer a funny, pathetic and lovable horror movie host. Instead, he's a cocky magician that comes off like a bizarre lovechild of Criss Angel and Russell Brand. Ugh, you know what? Who fucking cares? As a remake FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) is garbage, but as a stand alone vampire film it's OK.

The whole thing comes off more like an episode of a TV show than it does a movie. Gone are the enjoyable characters from the original, instead they've been replaced with forgettable characters. Gone are the awesome actors that brought those characters to life, instead they've been replaced with actors that seem to be happy with just turning in an passable performance. Gone are the awesome special effects, instead they've been replaced with middle-of-the-road CGI. Gone is the tightly written script that masterfully mixed horror and campy humor, instead it's been replace with a generic script that masterfully mixes boredom and light blasphemy.

Wow. This review ended up a little more negative than I intended it to be, but I really love the original FRIGHT NIGHT and even though this remake wasn't too bad, it does not deserve to be called FRIGHT NIGHT.  It should have just been a completely different thing.

Part 1 - Fright Night (1985)
Part 2 - Fright Night Part 2 (1988)
Remake 2 - Fright Night 2 (2013)

Look at that chick's face.