TRESPASS (1992)

Two honky firemen (William Sadler and Bill Paxton) from Crackersville, Arkansas come across a treasure map showing the location of some stolen gold. Problem is the gold is hidden in a factory in East St. Louis which is long closed and now included in the stomping grounds of a violent gang led by King James (Ice-T). But, eh, they being normal peckerwoods and, eh, on a treasure hunt, well they were not going to let a gang of homicidal killers spoil the events of their afternoon. On a day out. It was a day out they were going to remember for a very long time.

TRESPASS is probably one of the most straight-forward 1990’s action movies of all time. There’s zero build-up, zero character introduction, zero flashbacks or side stories, zero sex, zero females, nothing. (Hell, goddamn DEADLY PREY had more story than this movie!) Not that I’m complaining. I actually found the entire wham, bam thank you ma’am (or mx or sir or sirma) approach to be amusing. The film kinda feels like reading a no frills, action-packed short story. I'm surprised there hasn't been a remake.

Solid acting, lots of dramatic pulling out of cell phone antennas (that actually might make a good drinking game), vintage slang, vintage cars and fashions, zero CGI, impressive lower budget stunts, zero nudity. TRESPASS isn’t the height of action cinema or anything, but the first two acts still hold up all these years later. The third act? Not so much. It falls off the rails pretty had during the last 30 minutes or so. Still, it’s always fun to watch Bill Paxton freaking out. That alone is worth watching the movie.

Recommended for all fans of older action movies. Double-feature with JUDGEMENT NIGHT.

Oh yeah, this has nothing to do with the review, but while looking for newspaper ads I noticed that this film was released on Christmas Day, 1992. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea? No wonder it didn't even make it's budget back at the box office.

Now this really, really has nothing to do with the movie, but I was curious about East St. Louis (yes, I know the movie was actually filmed in Atlanta and Memphis), so I started driving around East St. Louis on Google Maps and I found this legendary pothole. I just wanted to share. Imagine hitting that motherfucker late at night in a rain storm!

MYSTERY 101: PLAYING DEAD (2019)

If anybody out there is making a list of movies where the opening scene is the worst scene of the movie, then go ahead and add MYSTERY 101: PLAYING DEAD to your list. A small town, off-duty cop is out jogging at 5:23 in the morning when she notices the front door to a drug store has all the glass blown outward across the sidewalk. So, being a genius, she doesn’t call for back-up or even have a weapon and enters the darkened store where she is almost immediately bashed over the head with a baseball bat and left for dead.

After that eye-rolling disaster of an opening scene M101:PD gets things into gear and ends up being a delightful and totally enjoyable film. And a nice step up from the original film. The main characters are already established so more time can be spent on the mystery itself. This time around, our hero, Professor Winslow, is working as a literary advisor for a local playhouse during their production of a murder mystery. So, kinda like how there is always mystery and intrigue around Father Brown, it seems that murder also follows Professor Winslow. Crimes happen and before you can say “One of the greatest loses in human history was that Eric Lynch and Rich Piana never met.”, somebody ends up dead and Proffy Slow and that handsome homicide detective with the hideous jacket are teamed up once again. It’s awesome.

Solid pace, better acting than in the first film, that one dude from that one Christmas movie I reviewed recently, a very pretty town, a good mystery with interesting suspects, the same people walking down the same sidewalk as in the first film, a reference to a certain Dashiell Hammett novel (which would explain the Nick and Nora Charles vibes throughout the entire film), more coffee drinking, zero gore, zero nudity, zero cheerleaders.

I doubt that MYSTERY 101: PLAYING DEAD will change your life or anything, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked that the two main characters were more playful this time around. It was cute.

Part 1 - Mystery 101 (2019)
Part 3 - Mystery 101: Words Can Kill (2019)
Part 4 - Mystery 101: Dead Talk (2019)
Part 5 - Mystery 101: An Education in Murder (2020)
Part 6 - Mystery 101: Killer Timing (2021)
Part 7 - Mystery 101: Deadly History (2021)

MYSTERY 101 (2019)

Midsomer Murders it’s not. After opening with an extremely weak murder, we’re introduced to English literature professor Amy Winslow (played by Jill Wagner). One of Professor Winslow’s students is worried about her missing boyfriend, so, being a caring soul, the professor decides to help the student. At the same time, a new (handsome) homicide detective is brought onto the local small town police force and his partner happens to be one of Professor Winslow’s past students. I’m sure we can see where this is going. That’s right, Professor Winslow gets a bad case of the wonky britches when a dead body is discovered at the bottom of a cliff, but then she gets a bad case of the moist britches when she’s teamed up (as a consultant) with the handsome new detective. Father Brown it’s not.

As far as mysteries go, MYSTERY 101 is pretty weak and you’d have to be a goddamn moron to not figure out the killer within the first act. That said, I still enjoyed it and look forward to watching more of the series. I mean hell, I’m on like my 7th or 8th Depression-fueled run of Midsomer Murders, so I need something new to watch. At least once.

Okay acting, zero nudity, pretty looking scenery and a cute town, yet another Hallmark movie with a dude wearing a horrible jacket, no real ups or downs, one odd transitional moment around 28:37 (on the DVD) that made it seem like a scene was missing, an interesting cast (including the vice principal from SUMMER SCHOOL as Amy’s dad), good pace that kept the story moving forward, zero gore, zero tension, multiple scenes of people drinking coffee.

I don't know, I probably have more to say but I'm too depressed to figure out what it is. I think I'm going to go take a nap for a thousand years.

Part 2 - Mystery 101: Playing Dead (2019)
Part 3 - Mystery 101: Words Can Kill (2019)
Part 4 - Mystery 101: Dead Talk (2019)
Part 5 - Mystery 101: An Education in Murder (2020)
Part 6 - Mystery 101: Killer Timing (2021)
Part 7 - Mystery 101: Deadly History (2021)