Sunday, September 24, 2017

JACK FROST (1997)

Suicidal people probably shouldn't watch this movie.  By the time this unfunny piece of fuck was over I was slashing my wrists down to the bone.

JACK FROST tells the unfunny story of a murderer who, thanks to a car wreck, is transformed into a snowman.  A murderous snowman who likes to go around cracking unfunny jokes while killing people (Example: "Listen, I got a point I'd like to make!" while stabbing somebody with an icicle.  Hardy-har-har.).  Zero laughs, zero scary parts, horrible acting that pissed me off, terrible camerawork that was made even worse by the ugly sets, shitty-looking snowman, dialogue so unpleasant that I would have liked the movie better if it had been in another language and without subtitles, Shannon Elizabeth so badly photographed that you could barely even tell how hot she is, slow pace, stupid story (even for a killer snowman movie!), ear-destroying Christmas music that made me want to barf.

I'm sure that some people out there like this film...but then again some people probably get sexual gratification from slamming their dick in the car door of an orange 1986 Ford Escort, so there is no accounting for taste.  As for me, I fucking hated pretty much every second of this film.  Some movies are so unfunny that they actually turn funny.  JACK FROST isn't one of those films.  It started out unfunny and remained unfunny until I passed out from blood loss.  Skip it.

Monday, September 18, 2017

POLYESTER (1981)

"Marry him?! Are you kidding? I'm getting an abortion and I can't wait!"

Francine Fishpaw (Divine) is not having a good week.  Not only does her pornographer husband leave her for a younger (and less hairy) woman, but her mentally insane teenage son turns out to be the notorious "Foot Stomper" (who's been going around town stomping on women's feet) and her teenage daughter has gotten knocked up by a local juvenile delinquent (and is so desperate to get an abortion that she's been hitting herself in the stomach with a hammer and throwing herself, stomach-first into pointy objects)...but not everything is bad news bears in Francine's life, because she's also been swept off her stinky feet by the super sexy Todd Tomorrow (Tab Hunter)!

POLYESTER might have a bigger budget and better production values than previous John Waters' films, but it's still pretty messed up.  Murder, forced underage prostitution, public humiliation, cocaine, abortion, blasphemy, human trafficking, foot fetish, sexual assault, physical assault, elderly abuse, cross-dressing, alcoholism, teenage pregnancy, pornography, adultery, underage drinking, underage drug use, mental illness, attempted suicide, nuns.  In other words...it's awesome!

Plus, it's Edith Massey and Cookie Mueller's last John Waters film, so what is there not to love?

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

A SNAKE OF JUNE (2002)

"Am I in hell?"

Told with the sexual tension of a fistful of sun-dried aardvark shit being thrown against a wall, A SNAKE OF JUNE tells the surreal and blue-coloured story of a creepy dude (who might or might not have a robotic vacuum hose for a penis) who is stalking an unhappily married couple.  The wife is extremely sexually repressed (it's never explained why, but, I suspect, it has something to do with the fact that when she finally does have an orgasm...it sounded more like she was giving birth to a fully grown porcupine, than having pleasure.).  The husband is a weak-dick nerd who has no idea how to fuck properly.  It's sad.

Anyway, so this stalker dude blackmails the wife into doing solo sexual stuff in public and then kidnaps and beats the husband into finally being more manly...or something.  I don't know.  I watched the film twice and I felt like I was drifting in and out of consciousness both times.  Maybe it had something to do with all the sleeping pills I took, but who knows.  Anyway, ASOJ wasn't terrible, it just wasn't my cup of tea (at the time I watched it).  I normally like Shinya Tsukamoto more than this.  I kinda wish A SNAKE OF JUNE had been even weirder and more frantic.  Different casting of the married couple wouldn't have hurt things either.  They were both boring to look at.

Worth a viewing for fans of avant-garde cinema.