Tuesday, May 3, 2016

WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS (1971)

The best thing about WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS is that title. I mean, think about it for a moment. WEREWOLVES...ON WHEELS!  Holy fook!  Just the idea of of a werewolf motorcycle gang brings up all kinds of cool images like a werewolf motorcycle gang having an all out drug war against a rival gang of inbred hillbillies that drive around in moonshine-fueled, custom-made rat rods; a crooked Deep South sheriff and his meth-sniffing mule; an evil swamp witch who creates a demon-possessed assassin pothole that can freely move around paved roads and wreck cars; a wedding reception at a Waffle House were a kangaroo assassin punches a guy to death in the restroom while he's pissing (punches him so hard that his teeth stick in the wall); a young werewolf who is suppose to marry the daughter of the leader of the inbred gang but the wedding is called off when the motorcycle werewolves accidentally run the inbred godfather off the road and caused him to "grease" his britches; demon possessed scarecrow assassins and so on.  Instead...

We get is a small (15 - 20) gang of unwashed bikers who enjoy hugging way too much. They pull over for a cuddle puddle in a wooded area only to find that the property belongs to a murderous cult of Satan worshipers.  Don't you hate when that happens?!  Next thing you know, one of the female "mamas" is drugged and dancing naked on the Satanic altar, the bikers rescue her and ride off.  Then slowly over the next hour it's revealed that two of the bikers are now werewolves.  Say what?  They kill other members during the night.  Eventually the two werewolves are revealed and after like 2 or 3 minutes of badly shot screentime, they're killed.

It's all very uneventful, but strangely enough (I think it might have been due to the fuzzed out music), I actually kinda enjoyed the film!  Satanic imagery, a small amount of nudity, very little violence, only like 10 seconds of one werewolf riding a motorcycle, below average pace that somehow managed to keep my attention, no title card, chanting monks.

Only worth a watch for the curious.  The very curious.
The clearest shot in the entire move of a actual werewolf on wheels.

Monday, May 2, 2016

SATAN'S SADISTS (1969)

I've heard multiple times over the years that SATAN'S SADISTS made a substantial amount of money during it's initial release thanks to timing (it was released within a month of the Tate/Labianca murders), coincidence (it was filmed at the Spahn Ranch, which was also home to the Manson Family) and it's shameless self-promotion that tastelessly mentioned Sharon Tate and made bullshit promises like "Here's a film your conscious will never let you forget and it's wild beyond belief!", "Torn out of today's headlines.  A shocking, realistic story of the wave of revolution and anarchy sweeping our country today!"and "A rebellion of human garbage!"  I can only imagine that such exciting promises pulled in thrill-seeking audiences by the droves...and then left them so disappointed I'm surprised they didn't burn the theater down.

When the film opens the first thing you notice (even on an 88" 4K television) is that the picture looks like shit thanks to the movie being filmed in 16mm and later blown up to 35mm.  The next thing you notice is that the off-screen gang-rape and double murder in the pre-credits scene was so vague that you barely even had any idea what was going on.  The third thing you notice is that "Satan" tune sang over the opening credits is pretty goddamn groovy in a ridiculous kind of way.  Since I had already seen this film multiple times in the past, I went ahead and sang it to my cat and he seemed to enjoy my crooning.  "I was boooooorn mean.  By the time I was 12, I was killing...killing for Satan!  Mmmmm-mmmm."

After that things go alright for a little while...bikers cruising down the highway, a vacationing couple pick up a hitchhiker and stop at a roadside restaurant, the waitress likes the hitchhiker, the smelly bikers come in and cause some mayhem, (offscreen) rape, awesome triple murder scene (which was the highlight of the film), toilet drowning and then things go to hell when the hitchhiker and the waitress escape and the bikers start chasing them.  The remainder of the film is just everybody stumbling around the desert.  It's so boring.  The characters walk around and around.  Occasionally somebody throws a snake on another person or they tumble around in a speed-up "fight" scene, but it's sooo tediously paced that you can actually feel your brain drying up and crumbling in on itself like the collapsing atmosphere processing station in ALIENS.

SATAN'S SADISTS is by no means the worst movie I've even seen, but, even as a fan of bad movies, this one was a chore to get through.
Behind the scenes.