Tuesday, August 23, 2016

SATANICO PANDEMONIUM (1975)

One day the virtuous Sister Maria is picking flowers outside the convent when suddenly she sees the Devil (in human form) naked as a jaybird. She runs away but it's too late because she's already caught in his spell and soon goes bonkers.  Her rejection of Christ rampage starts out innocently enough with Maria throwing her prayer book on the floor and a little sinful licking, but before you know it she's killing other nuns and even rapes the stable boy before burning him to death!

Maybe not as wild as some in the "nunsploitation" genre, but SATANICO PANDEMONIUM is still an entertaining 70's flick with a medium pace, good acting, mild violence, nice sets and a story that might(?) not even be that offensive to open-minded Christians (except for the nudity) thanks to Lucifer himself being blamed for everything.

Worth a watch for fans of such things, but nothing to get overly excited about. If you need me I'll be in my room trying to figure out how that one guy in the poster is not burning the shit out of his hand.

MIAMI CONNECTION (1987)

It ain't no DEADLY PREY, but MIAMI CONNECTION is still an enjoyable "so bad it's good" low budget, lower talent 80's actioner about a club band, Dragon Sound, who get caught up in a war against the band that previously played at the club and a gang of cocaine running ninjas.  There's also some drama about the lone female's jealous brother and the keyboard players lost father.

As far as 80's action movies go, MIAMI CONNECTION is shitty, but time has actually been kind to it and watching it nowadays it's fun to laugh at the amateurish action scenes, the silly 80's fashions and just how upbeat these dorks are!  I don't know if there's a nitrous oxide at their house (yes, they all live together) or what, but these fuckers are always in a good mood.  At one point this one dude gets some good news in the mail, so the other four come running outside and begin carrying him around the front yard on their shoulders!  Who does that? 

Piss poor acting, goofy 80's fashions, an initial quick pace that actually slowed down as the film goes on, multiple unintentionally funny moments that you'll have to rewind and watch over, two musical numbers early on but then nothing for the remainder of the film, a guy and 20 of his closest friends picking his sister up at college, buns that are unlike the ones they make at the bakery, stupid cocaine, toe-to-nose kung fu, dismemberment, nudists for Jesus, bad lighting and some horrific topless scenes that left me wishing I was watching an Andy Sidaris flick instead.

Monday, August 22, 2016

ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK (1988)

TV horror movie hostess, Elvira, wants to have a song and dance act in Las Vegas but can't afford the $50,000 security deposit.  Her luck changes though when she's informed of an unknown aunt who recently died and named Elvira in her will.  With dreams of untold riches dancing around in her head, Elvira travels to the small town of Fallwell, Massachusetts for the reading of the will only to find out that all she inherited was a rundown house, a cookbook and a dog.  To make matters even worse, her car broke down and now she's stuck in this small town ran by conservatives.

ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK is a fun movie, but it could have been much better with an R-rating, a better soundtrack and a non-sucky ending.  Naturally, Cassandra Peterson is the highlight of the movie.  She's funny, has great comedic timing and is (of course) beautiful.  Unfortunately, she doesn't have a lot to work with.  The town folk are all unremarkable, the bad guy is boring and the story is just kinda meh.  I really wish the whole witch burning aspect had been dropped and replaced with Elvira and the town folk butting heads until finally everybody learns to appreciate each other and Elvira hooks up with the guy who owns the movie theater and they convert it into a badass horror-only theater!  That's just my two cents, but I think it would have been better than the lame dance number ending they did have.  That was easily the worst scene of the movie.

For a wimpy 80's movie ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK is mildly amusing, but it had the potential to be so much more.