Monday, October 8, 2018

SATURN 3 (1980)

Way in the future, Earth is even more fucked up than it is now and depends on food research performed on research stations placed all over the solar system. One such research station is located on Saturn's third moon, Tethys (even though I don't remember it ever being called by name).  It's a small station and for the last three years, it's only been manned by Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett who, despite their age differences, have been banging.  A lot.  So much so, in fact, that haven't been getting enough work done and somebody is being sent to check in on them.  Unfortunately, that person is brutally murdered and then impersonated by the crazy as a shithouse rat Harvey Keitel...who happens to bring along his 8 foot tall robot buddy, Hector.  Also, for some nutty reason, Keitel has been doing mind melding experiments with Hector.  So, yeah, that's right, Hector the robot is also insane.

I love thrillers set in space, so once I figured out what the story was, I got pretty excited...and then disappointed when nothing happened.  Yeah, there's some running around and hiding and a little fighting, but the whole thing is very lightweight.

Mild violence, Harvey Keitel's voice dubbed over for the entire movie (!!!), okay looking sets, lots of smoke, very brief topless moment by Farrah, slow pace, zero gore, a few drops of blood, zero tension, lame ending, mediocre acting, uneven feel to the entire movie.  You'd think that a story about an 8 foot tall killer robot chasing people around isolated building in space would be exciting, but you'd be wrong.

From what I saw on the blu-ray extras and read online, the production of SATURN 3 was a mess.  The original director, John Barry, who also came up with the original idea, was dismissed early during filming and then died soon after!  He was replaced by SINGIN' IN THE RAIN director Stanley Donen (cause, you know, when you wanna cash in on the success of the previous years' horror masterpiece bring in "the King of the Hollywood musicals").  And to make matters worse, the production was scaled back due to financial difficulties with the production company, ITC Entertainment, who was simultaneously filming the legendary box office bomb RAISE THE TITANIC (it cost $40m and made $7m).  Honestly, I found the making of the film to be way more entertaining than the actual film itself.  I would love to see a well-researched full-length documentary about the making of SATURN 3.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018


A woman and her boyfriend are driving through Nebraska when a young boy runs out of cornfield and directly in front of their car.  That's pretty fucked up, but not as fucked up as the fact that his throat had already been slashed!  Eek!  Anyway, they smash the fuck out of the little bastard and after some deliberation, they decide to take him to the closest town.  Which unfortunately, for them, is Gatlin.  Not only does Gatlin not have any internet, but it also doesn't have any adults...because the children murdered all of them three years earlier!

Now you might ask yourself "How is it that in three years, nobody has noticed that the entire adult population of Gatlin is missing?"...but you won't get any answers, so just accept it and roll with it.  So, now we have this town full of wacky-ass murderous children, I mean, it's gotta be pretty crazy, huh?!  They're probably all insane, feral, WRONG TURN-style cannibals that use their chiseled teeth to rip the dicks off anybody who happens to wander into town, right?  Wrong, they're just a bunch of boring super religious kooks who sit around worshiping something called "He Who Walks Behind the Rows".  It's about as exciting as watching a movie about a bunch of religious kooks who sit around doing a whole bunch of nothing.

"...a whole bunch of nothing." isn't completely fair.  They do kill a few people and run around with sharp farming tools, but it's not very exciting.  Zero nudity, very little blood, zero gore, low body count, non-threatening kids acting like they're dangerous, lame boss fight.  Honestly, the highlight of the movie was Linda Hamilton's lip syncing musical number.  It was wonderfully terrible.  I loved it!

I'd love to see a version of the story where the kids actually do something or a version where some badass drives through town and beats all of the kids to death.  Or how about a COOL AS ICE / CHILDREN OF THE CORN crossover?  CHILDREN OF THE CORN versus CRITTERS?  Anyway, if you need me, I'll be in my room watching the sequels...

Part 2 - Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice
Part 3 - Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest
Part 4 - Children of the Corn: The Gathering
Part 5 - Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror
Part 6 - Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return
Part 7 - Children of the Corn: Revelation
Part 8 - Children of the Corn: Genesis
Part 9 - Children of the Corn: Runaway
Remake - Children of the Corn