Wednesday, June 28, 2017

MIDNIGHT INTRUDERS (1973)

Lesson to future filmmakers: Opening a movie with nearly six minutes worth of airplane footage spliced together with horribly photographed scenes of two unattractive people having unenthusiastic sex is never a good idea.  Especially when your film only clocks in at 58:15 (when the closing credits start rolling).

After the unbelievably slow opening (I can only guess that at one point there was hardcore sex scenes that were later removed to make this film), the loving couple talk and then drive to the airport.  The husband leaves and the wife goes home.  Her lover comes over and they fuck with the excitement of two people overdosing on Ambien.  But then her husband comes home, quickly followed by two drug-crazed psychopaths.  Things get weird, but not too weird.

The basic idea for MIDNIGHT INTRUDERS is interesting (I would love to see a well-made reimagining of it where the returning husband is attacked in the garage by the psychopaths and then discovers his wife is cheating on him as he's shoved inside), but the whole film is too uneven to be truly enjoyable.  It really does seem like filler scenes from an early 70's porno.

Uneven pace, two naked females, funny voice over work that barely even matches the people's mouths...if at all (I loved it when the wife and the lover were fucking and the dude proclaims "You sure do have a nice ass, lady!"), one woman with massive hair, continuity errors, wildly uneven photography (some of it was straight up terrible and then other shots were impressive), uneven lighting, a foot massage, clothed showering, 70's interior design, cameraman's shadow multiple times, uneven music, two surprisingly good scenes back-to-back (the bedroom fight and then the tunnel chase...which was the highlight of the film), dumb ending.

It'd be easy for me to crap all over MIDNIGHT INTRUDERS and say it was a terrible film, but honestly, it wasn't that bad.  I would love to learn about the making of it.  I have no idea who, but there were a few people involved that had talent.

Recommended for curious film explorers only.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

LUST IN THE DUST (1985)

Under the "blistering, burning, blazing, scorching, roasting, toasting, baking, boiling, broiling, steaming, searing, sizzling, grilling, smoldering, very hot New Mexico sun" lays the small settlement of Chile Verde.  It's not much to look at.  Just a bar, a few buildings, an outdoor shower and a gate where they lynch somebody every Saturday night, but travelers still come from all over...in search of gold!

One such traveler is Divine.  After being gang raped (off screen) by some outlaws (including Geoffrey Lewis, Woody Strode and Pedro Gonzalez Gonzalez!), she latches onto traveling gunslinger Tab Hunter.  Together they show up in Chile Verde.  Divine is looking to be a singer, but sadly only gets to sing one song (which is the highlight of the movie). Tab sticks around because he's looking for the secret treasure that is rumored to be hidden in Chile Verde.  Some of the others looking for the gold are local priest Cesar Romero, bar owner Lainie Kazan and local whore Gina Gallego (who broke my heart by never getting naked).

Despite the sinful title, LUST IN THE DUST is surprisingly tame.  Yeah, the subject matter is rough and there's a lot of raunchy stuff talked about, but very little happens onscreen.  And that is the films biggest downfall.  It's too restrained.  As a straight Western, it's fairly entertaining and Tab Hunter plays a great cowboy, but there's too much goofy humor.  As a campy Western...there wasn't enough goofy humor!  I think it would have been a better film if it had been crazier...and with more of Divine singing. 

Still, it's an entertaining low-budget time-waster with a surprising cast.

Fun fact: Tab Hunter met his partner of over 30 years, producer Allan Glaser, during the making of this film.  They're still together!

Sunday, June 25, 2017

INTREPIDOS PUNKS (1980)

True story: INTREPIDOS PUNKS was so lame that I immediately had to watch COMMANDO afterwards to get myself back in a good mood.

I had hopes that INTREPIDOS PUNKS was going to be badass, but sadly, it turned out to be the snoozerific story of biker gang who's members all dress the same and like to pump their fists in the air a lot.  When they're not committing suicide, raping females or lighting people on fire, they enjoy robbing banks and getting into shoot-outs with police.  That might sound exciting, but it's not.  Not even close..and even worse: the same shitrock theme song is played over and over and over.

As far as movie punks go, these dorks were about a punk as the post-apocalyptic bandits in THE ROAD WARRIOR, but nowhere near as cool or dangerous.  Instead, they're just some psychopaths with crazy hair and studded leather clothing.  Terrible music, uneven pace, badly shot topless scenes, complete lack of style by whoever directed this thing, crap editing, poor camera placement, worthless story.

INTREPIDOS PUNKS might work as an novelty to watch with some like-minded friends, but that's about it.  Skip it.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching STONE COLD.