THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM (1991)

The Spanish Inquisition was one of the most fucked up and horrible periods in human history and for a low budget 90's flick THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM does a pretty good job of capturing (at least on a small scale) that period's awfulness and perversion of power.

Spain 1492, a innocent baker and his wife get caught up in a crowd of people rushing to see a witch burned. They don't want to be there, but when they try to leave they are forced back. The baker's hot wife shows sympathy for the accused witch and in doing so is arrested for witchcraft herself. Once inside the prison the Grand Inquisitor (played to absolute perfection by Lance Henriksen) falls into his fucked up version of love with her and starts acting even crazier than he already was. Outside the prison the baker is desperate to save his wife so he finds a way to sneak into the prison. I won't give away anymore, but it's all really good and a lot of fun to watch. Watching it again for this review was my 5th time seeing this film and I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. I'd watch it again right now!

As I said earlier this is a low budget film so the sets aren't the greatest and the special effects are a little weak, but don't let that scare you off cause the story is compelling and the cast is pretty impressive: Lance Henriksen, Jeffery Combs, Oliver Reed, Mark Margolis, Frances Bay and Tom Towles. Also the director is the guy who made DAGON, FROM BEYOND and RE-ANIMATOR!

Check it out!


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IT'S ALIVE (1974)

Ohhh, Jesus fucking Christ what the fuck have I done? After watching that boring GRACE I started thinking how the idea of a killer baby was cool so I rented all four of the IT'S ALIVE movies. I watched the first one last night and it fucking blew! Now I have to watch the next three. Fuuuuck.

One of the robot teachers from CLASS OF 1999 takes his ugly wife (she looks like Beavis) to the hospital to have a baby. The baby pops out and kills everybody (off screen! wtf?) and runs off. Now the entire city is on a manhunt for this killer baby that kills people off screen. It's fucking horrible. The guy who plays the dad mumbles all of his fucking lines so bad we had to turn on the subtitles, all of the night scenes are so fucking dark you can't tell what's going on and worst of all: there's very little action! Fuck this shit! I want a movie with a baby shooting from neck to neck like the rabbit from THE HOLY GRAIL, but instead I end up with a bunch of fucking talking and maybe 10 minutes of lame action. Nobody in the fucking world has ever watched this movie twice.

Well, I'm off to watch 2, 3 and the remake.

Nice fucking owl statue.

Paint spill on aisle 6.

Beavis.

Turn on some fucking lights!

Hey kid! There's an Ewok fucking your hair.

Nice beard.

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GOING APE! (1981)

For a movie that few people have heard of and even less have actually fucking seen GOING APE has a lot of familiar faces. First off you gotta that grinning idiot Tony Danza and short legged Danny DeVito, but then you have Jessica Walter ("Arrested Development"), Stacey Nelkin (HALLOWEEN III, BULLETS OVER BROADWAY), Art Metrano (POLICE ACADEMY 2 &3), Frank Sivero (GOODFELLAS, THE WEDDING SINGER), Leon Askin who's been in a lot of movie, but always just a bit part and Ted White who's been a bit player in a million movies but is most famous for playing Jason in FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER!!!

The story (Tony Danza has to raise 3 orangutans for 2 years to earn his inheritance) is fucking pointless cause all we give a shit about is seeing these monkeys fuck. shit. uuupp!!! And...well, they fuck a little shit up, but not as much as you would hope. The main story jumps back and forth from Tony and his apes to a group of bumbling assassins who are trying to kill the orangutans but just end up spilling paint, wrecking cars and falling down a lot.

It's entertaining enough in a early 80's comedy kind of way, but mainly I was just in disbelief that they actually thought there would be an audience out there that would want to see it. LOL. Still it's worth watching if you're into this kind of stuff.

Does anybody know if this movie was actually released in theaters or just straight to home video?

Awwww.

Holy shit! It's Lucille Bluth!

Yes, there was banjo music playing during the car chase. No bullshit.

Imagine 90 minutes of this...





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THE THAW (2009)

THE THAW isn't a bad film, it's not a good film it's just a nothing film. The story is lifted straight from the 82 version of THE THING. All they did was remove the snow, the tension, the cool FX, the sickass monsters, the interesting alien storyline and Kurt Russell then replace it with X-Files level CG effects, less snow, lame insect "monsters", a heavy-handed global warming due to human pollution theme and a bloated Val Kilmer.

Some scientists way the fuck up North somewhere find a woolly mammoth (thanks to the global warming) and start studying it. That's all fine and dandy, but the bad news is it's full of centipede/cockroach looking parasites that like to dig their way into you then start laying eggs all up in yo shit. That actually sounds cool, but in reality the whole thing is bland as fuck. So bland in fact I couldn't even find any good screenshots to take.

If you're really, really fucking bored then check it out, but with little violence, a lame political message, no tits and a lame monster there's very little reason to waste your time with this loser.

Trailer (which makes the movie actually look good):



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INFESTATION (2009)

I have this theory that if I watch every single fucking horror, horror/comedy released then I'll occasionally find a good one that somehow slipped through the cracks. Ninety-nine percent of the time this theory comes back to bite me in the asshole (AX 'EM, SCARECROW SLAYER, LAID TO REST), but that one good percent makes it all worth it.

INFESTATION is more of a comedy/horror than a horror/comedy, but that's cool cause the main dude, Cooper, is actually pretty damn funny. It all starts out with him at his telemarketer job slacking off and getting fired. Right then a loud noise knocks everybody out and when he wakes (yea, it's a lot like the first chapter of Wyndham's "The Day of the Triffids") everybody is cocooned. So Cooper claws out of his webbing and fights some giant beetles and saves a few other people including the ultrahot Brooke Nevin (goddamn). They do the standard post-apocalyptic stuff, but what makes this movie stand out from the dozens of others like it is this one actually has good writing and the story is fresh and imaginative and fun to ride along with. A lot of movies in this comedy/horror genre fucking suck (SLITHER, SHAWN OF THE DEAD, BLACK SHEEP, FIDO) cause the writing is forced and lame, but I actually thought INFESTATION was very well made and earns the right to live in the shadow of the genre classics like TREMORS, GREMLINS, DEAD ALIVE and THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. I said live in the shadow, not alongside! It's a good movie, but let's not go crazy.

If you liked EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS for what it was, then you'll enjoy INFESTATION.

Damn.

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MAN IS NOT A BIRD (1965)

Just a few hours ago I'd never even heard of Dusan Makavejev, but if this film is any indication as to what he's capable of then you're going to see a lot more of his films on Happyotter.

Told with an almost documentary style (lots of handheld cameras and tight indoor shots that make you feel like you're actually inside the room with the characters) MAN IS NOT A BIRD is the story of an engineer who comes to a small mining town in eastern Serbia to oversee the installation of some machinery. Without even trying he starts a relationship with a young hairdresser (the smoking hot Melina Dravic). Is she really into him or just looking for a way out of this dead end town?

There's a lot more going on in town that just the relationship between these two and Makavejev captures it all effortlessly. You have the worker who gives his wife's dresses to his mistress and she in turn beats the whore's ass in the market; there's some guys being sneaky and stealing copper wire; there's the truck drivers who's always on the prowl for some fresh pussy and more. I'm a huge fan of Emile Zola and even though this film was set exactly 80 years after Zola's "Germinal" it reminded me a lot of that book. Mostly with the interactions of the workers and how they all live in such close proximity that they all know each other business even down to the smallest details.

I really enjoyed this film and if you like realism and even the documentary's of Werner Herzog and Errol Morris then I think you'll dig it as well. Check it out.
Opening scene (without subtitles):



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UMBERTO D. (1952)

Vittorio De Sica was a huge part of Italian neorealism and most people say that THE BICYCLE THIEF is his greatest film and yes it's a great film, even "one of the foundation stones of Italian neorealism" (Roger Ebert), but my favorite De Sica film is UMBERTO D. And it all has to do with the heartbreaking performance by non-actor Carlo Battisti and his character's love for his dog, Flag.

Umberto is living a shitty life. He's old, he rents a shitty room from a goddamn bitch who doesn't give a shit that he has ants and even goes so far to show how much of a fuck she doesn't give by letting couples hump in his room while he's out! Goddamn, that's some lowdown shit! The one spot of happiness in his life is Flag who some of the neighborhood kids call Fag. LOL. I'm just bullshitin', nobody calls the dog Fag. Anyway, Umberto's whole life revolves around Flag and when his cunt landlady throws him out and he's exhausted all chances of being able to keep his room he decides to fucking kill himself, but first he has to find a good, loving person to leave Flag with. That's much harder said than done.

I'm not going to be an asshole and give it all away, but this film is sad as fuck, so make there ain't no hot chicks around that you're trying to impress cause that dog pound scene is fucking brutal (even after repeat viewings I still get all worked up watching it), but it's nothing compared to the end which is legendary in it's tearjerking abilities. It (the final scene) might not rank up there with the missle scene from THE IRON GIANT, but it's some still sad shit, so man up, put you're big girl panties on and check it out!

Highly recommended. Would make a perfect double feature with Bergman's WILD STRAWBERRIES.

If you don't get a lump in your throat when he starts walking backwards then you're just a heartless piece of shit.

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XANADU (1980)

No, that's not frog puss in your tea, this movie is completely fucked - and that's what makes it so badass. Even if I didn't have a weakness for 70's disco/bizarro musicals then I would still say that if you don't like XANADU then there's something fucking wrong with you. This movie is so fucking nuts and happy and wacky that you can't help but smile the entire time! I saw it for the first time years ago with a friend we freaked the fuck out and laughed for fucking days...same thing happened when we watch THE APPLE and THE PIRATE MOVIE.

Anyway the story, like it even fucking matters, is about this artist who rips up his crappy drawing and throws it out the window in a humanitarian effort to spare the world from seeing his middle school level drawings. The pieces flutter around town until they land in front of a wall size mural on the side of a building. The women painted on the wall-size mural come alive and start dancing and exploding and roller skating! I'm not lying! So, later that day, the artist dude is walking in the park when rollerskating Olivia Newton-John and her hot ass bumps into him and starts kissing the motherfucker then just explodes away in a flash of light. Why the fuck can't some shit like that happen to me, goddamn it?!

So now this artist guy is horny as fuck and his balls are killing him so he steals a motorcycle and drives off a goddamn pier! WTF? Soon after music numbers start popping up all over the place and you're having so much fun you couldn't give a fuck less that the story makes no fucking sense.

I really can't recommend this movie enough. It'll crack the foundations of your mind, but in a good way.

I'd nail the shit out of that.

Satan?

Yea, that would fucking happen.

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VOICES (2007)

Standard style over substance Asian horror movie filled with dark creep stuff you can't really see, overly confusing plot that makes little sense, no nudity, no gore (just a little blood splattered about), no real scares outside of the loud jump scenes, a main girl that never really does anything to save her own ass and lots of talking.

This time around, I think, there was some jealous spirit or something that killed people when they were happy by possessing other people and using them as a vessel to do it's killing. I think, I could be completely wrong. All I know is there was this chick and everybody kept trying to kill her, but I never figured out why for sure.

I've watched dozens of these movies and outside of UZUMAKI I really can't think of any that were worth a damn. But yet I keep watching them. I think it just because there's usually a lot of really hot girls involved and VOICES at least lives up to that expectation. Sadly there was only one really hot girl and she wasn't in the movie that much. Here's the highlights of the movie...

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TERROR EYES (1989)

That cover is fucking awesome!!!

How the heck, I mean, fuck could you resist something like that?! Saturday afternoon I was walking through the video store, minding my own business, when I saw that cover and instantly filled my pants to overflowing with jizz and human shit. It was love at first sight and I had to have it. I bought it, rushed home to watch it and you know what? It was better than OK. And that's saying something cause I really expected it to be so goddamn horrible that I couldn't even watch the entire thing, but I watched it all and even enjoyed it for the story and of course I got some really good laughs out of it.

Right from the beginning you know you're in for a treat cause it starts doing fucked up mind tricks and the actors were really excited, especially Daniel (RIVER'S EDGE, FINAL DESTINATION) Roebuck who is completely balls out the whole movie. I don't know if he was on coke or just knew he was in a movie that nobody would ever fucking see so he decided "Fuck it. I'm going over the top with every goddamn line!", but it works and I really enjoyed his crazy screaming ass. Another thing that makes this movie such a delight was it's without a doubt pure 80's cheese. The set decorations and the clothes were hypnotic.

The story is about this broad who's hired (by Satan no less!) to write a movie script for a horror movie so she goes camping with her friends and they all tell crazy ass stories including one that reminded me a lot of SAW and another of GROUNDHOG DAY. I'm not kidding. I'm not going to get into all of the stories, but there's a whole fucking lot going on in this movie and I, for one, really enjoyed it. It's definitely worth the few bucks I paid for it. Even though there's not any nudity or even much violence I cannot even imagine how fun this movie would be late at night in a theater full of drunks and dopesmokers! It would be insanity!

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