CITY ON FIRE (1979)

The star-studded cast can't hide the fact that the story for this movie suuuuuccckkkks.  After being introduced to all of the (bland) characters, we're finally treated to this nameless city blowing the fuck up (thanks to a disgruntled oil refinery employee) and...it's pretty boring.  Poorly photographed explosions mixed in with stock footage.  The story eventually focuses in on some firemen's efforts to rescue the people trapped in a hospital and...that's boring as well.  In fact, there's nothing about CITY ON FIRE that isn't boring!  Boring script, boring special effects, boring photography, boring acting.  I really enjoy disaster movies, but CITY ON FIRE straight-up bored me to death.  Which is a shame since Henry Fonda and Shelley Winters are both amazing talents (just watch MISTER ROBERTS or A PLACE IN THE SUN if you don't believe me), but they are strictly on auto-pilot here.  Collecting a paycheck.

Outside of morbid curiosity or self-hatred, I can't think of too many reasons to ever subject yourself to this boring turkey.  Skip it with a vengeance.

According to Box Office Mojo, CITY ON FIRE cost $5.3 million to make and only brought in $784,000.  That's kinda funny.

Eating egg shells.

CAVE IN! (1983)

CAVE IN! is rumored to have been filmed in 1979 but not broadcast on TV until 1983...and I can see why.  This sucker is boring!  Things get off to a quick start with a police chase, but after just a few moments you can already tell that this movie is about as low-budget and quickly slapped together.  Next we're introduced to the cave and I swear to Satan that this cave has been featured in like a thousand movies and TV shows!  Anyway, the cave has been having some problems recently with dirt and small rocks falling down, but yet the people who run it insist on keeping it open.  So, of course, there's a cave in and some people are trapped inside.  Compared to all of the other Irwin Allen films I've seen, the disaster moment this time takes place waaaaay earlier than usual, but I guess that's because this time they figured it was kind of hard to drum up any build-up excitement over a cave.

Anyway, people are trapped and now they (kinda like survivors in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE) have to find a way out.  Boiling water, swimming underwater, walking across an old rope bridge...all the same old shit we've seen a thousand times before, but this time neutered by being on network television.  I wish it could have at least been fun to laugh at, but for the most part everything was so bland there really wasn't much to laugh at.

Maybe good for a watch if you're a fan of old made-for-TV movies, but I found the entire affair to be too bland to be enjoyable.  Even ol' Ray Milland as a cranky professor didn't help much!  Skip it.

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (1972)

A fancy cruise ship is just innocently sailing along, minding it's own business, when BOOM! out of nowhere a nasty ol' wave flips it upside down and kicks sand in its face.  Now, all of the surviving passengers have to figure out how to escape this sinking tub of shit before they end up at the bottom of the ocean.

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE advertises itself as having an all-star cast (and it does), but I'd wager most modern audiences have zero clue who Shelley Winters or Ernest Borgnine is, let alone somebody like Red Buttons.  But no matter, the adventure through the capsized ship is what I'm most interested in and...it's not very impressive.  Actually it kinda borders on boring.  After the boat flips upside down, it's decided that they need to journey to the engine room where the hull is the thinnest.  They head in that direction, but not a whole lot happens.  Water splashes about, fires burn and stuff is upside down, but I never got a real feel of danger or even a sense of where the hell they where.  In DIE HARD, when Bruce Willis was traveling around inside (and outside) the skyscraper that was super exciting, but here it just looked like a bunch of actors flopping about on a film set.

Dated special effects, an all-star cast, exciting premise that never pays off, lots of yelling, weak female characters, boring action scenes, under-cooked character development, hippie band singing an annoying song, Shelley Winters swimming underwater, Ernest Borgnine saying "Holy fuck!", Gene Hackman holding his breath for over 3 minutes, random heroics.  Good for a guilty pleasure, but that's about it.  That said, I probably watch this wet turkey a few times a year.

Part 2 - Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979)
Remake 1 - The Poseidon Adventure (2005)
Remake 2 - Poseidon (2006)

 Interesting how the ship is flipping over, but yet the ornaments are still falling to the floor.