SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE (2011)

"It was horrible."

SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE is a nice horror movie to watch while laying in bed trying to fall asleep. A college professor receives a mysterious package in the mail. Inside is a metal glove along with a hand drawn map of the bowels of the college. After some searching, her assistants find another mysterious box that when opened reveals a ancient severed head of a banshee. Suddenly the head comes alive shrieks out a super loud scream, then explodes into dust. Now everybody who heard the scream is cursed as fuck. Including anybody bored or dumb enough to watch this stinker.

Slow pace, boring story, bored actors trying their best to make something out of this shit script, dumb looking monster, lame special effects, zero nudity, very little blood, crap lighting, a totally bullshit look to the entire movie that made everything fuzzy and a weird colour tint, very little screentime for Lance Henriksen.

Overall, SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE tries to be a good film but completely fails. It was painful to get through. That said, even though it sucked I don't regret watching it.

FRIGHT NIGHT (2011)

If this FRIGHT NIGHT was the first FRIGHT NIGHT ever made, nobody would be clamoring for a remake...come to think of it, I can't remember anybody clamoring for a remake to begin with! Oh well, the damage is done so let's give it a shot and see what they've done. Who knows, maybe it's awesome...

...it's not. The film opens with a vampire killing a family. The scene is so vague and brief that I could barely even register what was happening. Next we are introduced to Charley Brewster, an average teen with an unaveragely pretty girlfriend (well at least that's one improvement over the original!). Charley's normal life is turned upside down when his friend, Evil Ed, informs him that his new neighbor is a vampire...already, this movie is diverging so much from the original that it might as well just be a completely new story all together.  Anyway, so once Charley discovers his neighbor is a vampire, he contacts a local celebrity, Peter Vincent, for help. Peter is no longer a funny, pathetic and lovable horror movie host. Instead, he's a cocky magician that comes off like a bizarre lovechild of Criss Angel and Russell Brand. Ugh, you know what? Who fucking cares? As a remake FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) is garbage, but as a stand alone vampire film it's OK.

The whole thing comes off more like an episode of a TV show than it does a movie. Gone are the enjoyable characters from the original, instead they've been replaced with forgettable characters. Gone are the awesome actors that brought those characters to life, instead they've been replaced with actors that seem to be happy with just turning in an passable performance. Gone are the awesome special effects, instead they've been replaced with middle-of-the-road CGI. Gone is the tightly written script that masterfully mixed horror and campy humor, instead it's been replace with a generic script that masterfully mixes boredom and light blasphemy.

Wow. This review ended up a little more negative than I intended it to be, but I really love the original FRIGHT NIGHT and even though this remake wasn't too bad, it does not deserve to be called FRIGHT NIGHT.  It should have just been a completely different thing.

Part 1 - Fright Night (1985)
Part 2 - Fright Night Part 2 (1988)
Remake 2 - Fright Night 2 (2013)

Look at that chick's face.

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS (2011)

[Update 02/07/2021: I have absolutely no idea why I fucked this review all up and wrote it about Robert Pattinson's character being a vampire. I just deleted most of it because it was stuipid. Will try and re-watch the movie one day and give it a legitimate review.  If I remember right, it was a good movie.]

Back in 1931, Edward (somehow completely immune from sunlight) is training to be a veterinarian. On the day that he's to take is exam his parents (obviously adopted parents since he had been a vampire for over 10 years at this point in his life) die in a car wreck. Edward is very sad and just starts walking. Eventually he ends up on a train with a bunch of roughnecks. He doesn't use his vampire strength and instead just goes with the flow to see where this leads him. Ends up he's on a circus train and since he knows a lot about animals he's given the job as the circus vet.

That's all well and good until he sees the star attraction (and the boss's wife), Reese Witherspoon, the horse rider. Reese is immediately taken in by Edward's animal magnetism and he with her, but they keep it quite. Turns out that Reese's husband is quite the asshole and rules the circus like a dictator, even resorting to tossing workers off the moving train if he can't afford to pay them. Soon an elephant joins the circus and Reese and Edward are commissioned to create an act around the elephant that will save the circus from financial ruin. You can only guess what happens next. That's right! Edward turns the elephant into a vampire with bloodsucking tusks!