INVASION U.S.A. (1985)

Ain't no shitty CGI up in this bitch. Chuck Norris don't need no shitty CGI to kick an entire army of commie terrorist asses. Fuck no. Chuck Norris is a retired badass living in the swamp with his pet armadillo just minding his own business. Then the stupid idiot terrorists have to come and blow up his house and kill his buddy (not the armadillo)...now he's pissed. For the rest of the movie, it's nonstop Chuck being one move ahead of the terrorists and kicking their nuts to and fro. Put a bomb on a school bus?  Chuck'll attach it to your car. Put a bomb in a church?  Chuck'll blow you up instead. Prowling around popping people in the pecker with a pistol?  Chuck'll shoot you in the ping ding with a rocket launcher.

In the mid-80's Chuck had a whole string of fun action movies, but I think INVASION is my favorite only because it's so damn silly. The terrorists, for whatever reason, actually use amphibious landing craft to land on the beach (where were they coming from?!  Cuba?), then just start bombing and shooting everything in sight in an attempt to cause anarchy. Chuck miraculously shows up out of nowhere and instantly starts killing bad guys. It's awesome!!!  Action audiences aren't worrying about a story, we just want to see shit blow the fuck up and INVASION U.S.A. delivers. Some modern day action movies could learn a thing or two from this movie. One of my favorite things is a lot of people have rocket or grenade launchers and they never reload.  They just shoot the thing like it has infinite ammo.

Tons of action, lots of explosions, impressive stunts, very little story, no CGI, goofy one-liners, Richard Lynch in a great bad guy role, fist fights, Billy Drago getting shot in the dick, impressive car stunts, shit talking, a kick to the face, a knife through a hand, a few hard to see tits, a baby armadillo that's really cute, Chuck Norris in full beard and unbuttoned shirt.

If you haven't seen this movie, then you're not a real American. I'm surprised Michael Bay hasn't remade this movie yet.

Chuck Norris driving down Walker St....whoa.

NO TIME FOR COMEDY (1940)

Well, nobody can accuse Warner Brothers of false advertising.  There isn't a single funny thing in NO TIME FOR COMEDY.

When small town playwright Jimmy Stewart scores his first Broadway play, he heads to NYC to help with the production.  He ends up falling in love with the lead actress, Rosalind Russell.  The honeymoon doesn't last too long though when he starts powerdrinking and spending too much time with a rich socialite.

Right from the very beginning NTFC is a bust.  After Stewart shows up in the Big Apple there's the standard country boy in the big city humor that's not even remotely funny.  At the same time there's some, I guess, romantic sparks between Steward and Russell, but it's so badly written and the characters so poorly constructed that I was taken back when they started talking about getting married.  I didn't even know they liked each other!  The marriage happens and through a quick montage we see that Stewart has become a successful playwright.  The action then settles in on the home life of Stewart and Russell...oh wait never mind, I guess now suddenly Stewart is an alcoholic who's never home.  When he finally manages to stumble home he's in love(?) with a rich patron of the arts who's taken Stewart under her wealthy wing.  Rosalind does the only sensible thing and gets engaged to the socialite's husband!  What the hell?  Then after Stewart's next play is a bust he learns humility and returns to Rosalind.  Yeah, I'm sure that'll last.

Unfortunately, as with the majority of these older studio system production line movies, we'll never know the true story of what was going on behind the camera, but I can only imagine the writing portion of this production was a disaster.  The story was adapted from a play so I don't know if there was something lost between the stage and the screen, but even with two of the finest comedic actors of the time NTFC is a laughless bore.  Honestly I don't even know how this clunker got the greenlight.  Skip it with a vengeance.

BETTER OFF DEAD (1985)

"Two dollars."

High schooler Lane Myer (John Cusack) is hung up on his girlfriend...bad.  So when she dumps him for the captain of the high school ski team, Lane at first tries to kill himself, but then after multiple failed attempts decides the best way to win her back is by skiing down the deadly K-12 faster than the ski captain douchebag.  While he's training for the big ski showdown, he has all kinds of misadventures.  Everything from eating his mom's bizarre cooking to giving a duck a ride to school to getting a job at a seedy hamburger joint to finally sexing up his sexy foreign exchange student neighbor.

Dancing cheeseburgers, an insane paperboy, mom's food coming alive and crawling off the table, a working laser gun, a drag racing Japanese guy who announces the race in a Howard Cosell voice through loudspeakers attached to the top of his car, skiing down a mountain on a bicycle, solving a life crisis with a skiing contest...this movie's got some crazy shit going on, but instead of come off as completely over the top like in an AIRPLANE!-style, BETTER OFF DEAD seems more like the imagination of a teenager come to life.  I was in middle school when BETTER OFF DEAD came out and it totally clicked with me.  I probably wore my VHS tape straight the fuck out.

Watching it now, it's a little dated, but got a lot of clever stuff going on.  Recommended for the young at heart.