Friday, May 9, 2014

INVASION U.S.A. (1985)

Ain't no shitty CGI up in this bitch. Chuck Norris don't need no shitty CGI to kick an entire army of commie terrorist asses. Fuck no. Chuck Norris is a retired badass living in the swamp with his pet armadillo just minding his own business. Then the stupid idiot terrorists have to come and blow up his house and kill his buddy (not the armadillo) he's pissed. For the rest of the movie, it's nonstop Chuck being one move ahead of the terrorists and kicking their nuts over and over. Put a bomb on a school bus?  Chuck'll attach it to your car. Put a bomb in a church?  Chuck'll blow you up instead. Prowl around popping people in the pecker with a pistol?  Chuck'll shoot you in the ping ding with a rocket launcher.

In the mid-80's Chuck had a whole string of fun action movies, but I think INVASION is my favorite only because it's so damn silly. The terrorists, for whatever reason, actually use amphibious landing craft to land on the beach (where were they coming from?!  Cuba?), then just start bombing and shooting everything in sight in an attempt to cause anarchy. Chuck miraculously shows up out of nowhere and instantly starts killing bad guys. It's awesome!!!  Action audiences aren't worrying about a story, we just want to see shit blow the fuck up and INVASION U.S.A. delivers. Some modern day action movies could learn a thing or two from this movie. One of my favorite things is a lot of people have rocket or grenade launchers and they never reload.  They just shoot the thing like it has infinite ammo.

Tons of action, lots of explosions, impressive stunts, very little story, no CGI, goofy one-liners, Richard Lynch in a great bad guy role, fist fights, Billy Drago getting shot in the dick, impressive car stunts, shit talking, a kick to the face, a knife through a hand, a few hard to see tits, a baby armadillo that's really cute, Chuck Norris in full beard and unbuttoned shirt.

If you haven't seen this movie, then you're not a real American. I'm surprised Michael Bay hasn't remade this movie yet.
Chuck Norris driving down Walker St....whoa.