FROG-G-G! (2004)

[Insert low effort Kermit the Frog joke here.]  Chemical waste gets into a town's water supply and before you can say "Caterpillar penis spelt backwards is 'fuck this movie.'", a lone dude in a plastic frog outfit that looks like it came from the motherfuckin' Dollar Store is prancing and hopping around and raping women with his invisible frog dick. It's fucking horrible.

The main question I kept asking myself while watching FROG-G-G! is "What's the point of this movie?!"  Like literally...why was it made?  I'm not trying to be a smart aleck or funny.  I honestly want to know!  There's almost no story; the 80-minute runtime is torturous; at least 70% of the movie is (unneeded) talking scenes; almost zero action; there's very little nudity (and none of it any good); the body count, if you can even call it that, is like...two; the named actors touted on the DVD box (Mary Woronov and James Duval) combine together for about 30 seconds of screentime; the script should have been lit on fire and then thrown off a balcony; I don't even want to talk about the "acting"; an underused "Goth girl"; dim lighting; annoying music; also...there's only one frog monster and he's a fucking pussy!  The giant frog from YAKUZA APOCALYPSE would have kicked this dude's invisible frog nuts up around his ears.  Hell, the frog that Din Grogu ate in The Mandalorian would have beat this guy's ass.

But, you know what's worse than all of that?  I own this motherfucker! What dark and twisted turns did my life take that I ended up the owner of a FROG-G-G! DVD?  Own it or not, it'll be a long time before I sit through this lily pad lickin', tadpole molesting, frogfuck piece of toadshit ever again.

TREMORS 5: BLOODLINES (2015)

I'm not sure how I feel about this one.  While I'm always grateful for an update to the Tremors universe, I was not a fan of the new edgy look or the aggressive attitude of this film.  Everybody just seemed so goddamn pissed off for the entire movie.  I enjoy the Tremors series because it's a light-hearted and exciting throwback to the awesome monster movies of the 1950's.  Not because I wanna see cranky, dingy dudes doing tricks on dirt bikes and drinking their own urine...not at the same time mind you.  That would have been fucking awesome!!!  Can you imagine that?  "Oi, crikey!  I'm gonna distract that Graboid by launching over it with me dirt bike while drinking me own pee-pee!"

Anyway, back to TREMORS 5.  It's okay.  Burt is now some kind of annoying survivalist huckster who makes videos of himself running around the desert eating snakes.  Word comes along about Graboid trouble in South Africa, so Burt and his annoying new cameraman (Jamie Kennedy) go check it out.  Once there, they talk a lot of shit and quickly find out that things are worse than they imagined.  It's mildly entertaining and seems to have more in common with a Sharknado movie than the original TREMORS.

Medium pace, lots of stupid dialogue, annoying camera shenanigans to make it look like a shitty TV show, dumb as hell end boss fight, a flying corkscrew Graboid, a lot of people that look like they need a bath.  Overall, it's watchable, but forgettable.  If this had been the very first Tremors film, nobody would have asked for a second.

Part 1 - Tremors (1990)
Part 2 - Tremors II: Aftershocks (1996)
Part 3 - Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001)
Part 4 (prequel) - Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004)
Part 6 - Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell (2018)

Part 7 - Tremors: Shrieker Island (2020)

THE MEG (2018)

Scientist discover that the ocean has a basement.  While exploring this newfound area, they (being idiots) accidentally release two megalodon sharks.  One is big as fuck and the other one is really big as fuck.  Unfortunately, these two sharks don't bring along any good writers, because THE MEG, while it sounds exciting, is completely soulless.  After the sharks escape, instead of just wandering off into the ocean to never be seen again, they attack the underwater research facility where the scientist hang out.  That's not as exciting as it sounds, but it does give the scientists and friends reason to chase the sharks around for the rest of the movie.

I love killer animal movies.  Successful ones have strong character development capped off by an awesome second half full of the monster(s) wrecking shit non-stop.  (Or...the movie is just so bad and/or insane that you can't help but enjoy it.)  None of that happens in THE MEG.  Right from the start, the characters are all very bland and forgettable.  The shark itself looks cool, but it never goes crazy and starts ripping people apart.  The majority of the action is simply the sharks eating other animals with only the occasional human getting nibbled offscreen.  It's weak as hell.

That said, I was mildly entertained.  The movie itself looks nice and the pace moves along quickly enough to keep you from getting too bored, but with zero point zero percent chance of something wild or unexpecting happening, my mind did start to drift.  Like...I still don't understand why there hasn't been a killer animal movie where the critters attack a nudist colony!  Preferably it will be set in the 1980's and the critters main attack happens during the final round of an all-nude breakdancing contest.

Low body count, zero nudity, zero tension, boring action scenes, unrealistic dialogue, an annoying little kid that knows everything (vomit!), Jason Statham as "Jason Statham versus a giant shark", Rainn Wilson being 100% forgettable, Robert Taylor's acting talent wasted, absolutely zero concern for decompression, disappointing ending.

Not the worst giant killer animal movie ever (and I'm 100% positive that I'll end up watching the sequels), but for a sanitized, inoffensive time-waster it's not too bad.

[Update 08/25/2023: Saw Meg 2 or whatever it's called in the theater and it was fun. I'll post a new review for it once I get a blu-ray to take screenshots from.]