WATER FOR ELEPHANTS (2011)

[Update 02/07/2021: I have absolutely no idea why I fucked this review all up and wrote it about Robert Pattinson's character being a vampire. I just deleted most of it because it was stuipid. Will try and re-watch the movie one day and give it a legitimate review.  If I remember right, it was a good movie.]

Back in 1931, Edward (somehow completely immune from sunlight) is training to be a veterinarian. On the day that he's to take is exam his parents (obviously adopted parents since he had been a vampire for over 10 years at this point in his life) die in a car wreck. Edward is very sad and just starts walking. Eventually he ends up on a train with a bunch of roughnecks. He doesn't use his vampire strength and instead just goes with the flow to see where this leads him. Ends up he's on a circus train and since he knows a lot about animals he's given the job as the circus vet.

That's all well and good until he sees the star attraction (and the boss's wife), Reese Witherspoon, the horse rider. Reese is immediately taken in by Edward's animal magnetism and he with her, but they keep it quite. Turns out that Reese's husband is quite the asshole and rules the circus like a dictator, even resorting to tossing workers off the moving train if he can't afford to pay them. Soon an elephant joins the circus and Reese and Edward are commissioned to create an act around the elephant that will save the circus from financial ruin. You can only guess what happens next. That's right! Edward turns the elephant into a vampire with bloodsucking tusks!

ECLIPSE (2010)

They can't make these fast enough for me. In fact, I wish they'd quit releasing these little two hour teasers and just release a 40+ hour epic. I'd be in Heaven.

A gang of bloodthirsty "newborn" vampires are out to kill Bella. But that's not what we're concerned about, ohhh no. I want to know if that dogbutt sniffing Jacob has gotten the hint and fucked off yet?! The answer: hell no! That douchey, cockblocking, Beta bitch asshole is still around and just as cockblocky as ever.  Can't he find his own goddamn woman?

A few other things I noticed: I'm really digging Alice. I'd be just as happy as could be if the camera followed Alice around for a few hours. I think she's really cute, has a interesting personality and her psychic powers are cool. Also, I don't read the books, so I don't know what happens to Bella's dad, but I'm hoping that he accidentally gets turned into a vampire and he keeps his job as Sheriff and then gets his own spinoff series where it's like "Twin Peaks" meets "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and he has to solve mysterious and fight weird monsters while coming to grips with the fact that he's now a vampire. To complicate matters even more, women are suddenly more attracted to him, but he's only interested in true love.

ECLIPSE progresses the story along nicely, but like I said, it just wasn't long enough. I want more goddamn it! It leaves you with some teaser stuff about the Volturi and the wedding and Bella finally becoming a goddamn vampire. Agggggghhhhh, now I'm going to have to wait another year to find out what happens.  This is vampire batshit!!!

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)