Friday, March 16, 2012

BREAKING DAWN - PART 1 (2011)

Ahhh yeah. My favorite comedy series about super moody vampires is back! Was it worth the wait? Yes. Was it as awesome as I had hoped? Yes. Was there tons of brooding? Yes. Fighting? Not really. Unicorns? No. Moonshine running? No. Cockblocking? Yes. A crying werewolf? Yes.  Alice getting naked?  Nooooo!!!!!

The film opens with Edward and Bella getting married (finally!) and on their wedding night The Beast With Two Backs shows up and as we all learned from Season 6 of "Buffy": vampires are dynamite in the sack! Edward didn't just wreck the shit out of the bed, he torn that pussy up too. Before you can say "Gimme some of dat vampire jizz and put some stank on it!" Bella is pregnant with some kind of mysterious creature that's killing her from the inside out! Holy fook!

Naturally the werewolf clan doesn't look kindly on this and they want to kill the baby. Even more naturally Jacob mopes around nonstop being a whiny, cockblocking pussy. Ohhh, I hate him so much! Will Bella live? What the f is inside her? Can Edward possibly get more dreamy? Could Alice's smile be any cuter? Will I laugh so hard my sides still hurt the next day? Will there be a cliffhanger ending that makes me yell "What the fuck? Nooooo!!!!!" and shake my tiny fist at my TV? You're gonna have to watch it yourself to find out!

I'm not sure how I'm going to make it another year.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 5

Please for the love of Satan just make an Alice spinoff series already. C'mon!!!