DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO (1999)

A fish tank cleaning loser (Rob Schneider) is fishsitting for a gigolo customer who's out of the country when he accidentally fucks up the guy's expensive fish tank. Now he has to come up with six grand in three weeks to replace the tank. The only way to make that kind of money quickly is to start man-whoring for the clients that any self-respecting man-whore wouldn't touch with a stolen dick. You got: the morbidly obese woman, the super tall woman, the narcoleptic woman, the Tourette woman and finally the superhot woman who's too good to be true woman. Deuce satisfies them all, but not sexually (well, maybe one), instead he works with their disability and makes them happy. He truly is the hooker with a heart of gold!

The pace of the movie is good. It's a little slow to start, but once he get's to the man-whoring it's really funny. I was surprised though at the lack of crude humor. Yeah, there was some, but for the most part it was a lot tamer than I had expected. Good movie, it's not going to cure cancer or anything, but it's worth watching.

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK (1978)

[Update 10/10/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Where to even start with this one? Well, the picture on the DVD I watched looked like deep fried monkey shit, but even if this sucker was on the world's greatest Blu-Ray it wouldn't have helped. First off it was made for TV and produced by Hanna-Barbera. What the fuck? I thought Kiss was suppose to be all about partying, drugs, fucking, eating each others vomit while worshiping Satan or something. Hell, I don't know, but I thought they were suppose to be evil. The Gene Simmons character is called The Demon for Satan's sake!

Anyway, so there's an evil scientist living under an amusement park and he likes to turn humans into zombies. Kiss shows up to play some concerts, but somehow get mixed up with fighting the scientist.  You'd think they'd be on the side of the evil scientist!  It's stupid. The story is below Scooby-Doo standards and it's 96 minutes long! Complete torture.

Good for a laugh, but that's about it.  I enjoyed watching Gene Simmons walking around the entire movie like he's trying to clinch in a huge turd.

RIOT IN CELL BLOCK 11 (1954)

[Update 10/31/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Just a year after STALAG 17, Neville Brand finds himself back in prison. This time he's in a large state prison and he's had enough of the overcrowding, bad food and the abusive guards so he leads a riot and ends up capturing nine guards. He and his fellow convicts threaten to kill the guards unless some of their demands are met. Lots of tense situations and violence follows.

For 1954 this movie was pretty hard-hitting and violent and even had one direct reference to male-on-male prison rape! Director Don Siegel also helmed PRIVATE HELL 36, ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ and DIRTY HARRY.

SLIMED (2009)

Well, I'm the wrong person to review this turd. I hate Troma movies and this motherfucker is even worse than a Troma movie! I wouldn't be surprised if the filmmakers sent this to Troma and Troma told them to go fuck themselves.

Clocking in at only 58 minutes (was this a student project film?), it felt like it lasted 3 hours. Oh, it was fucking painful. Why do I even do this to myself?! I really have to stop watching/reviewing so many shitty movies and start watching some quality shit. If I keep reviewing shit like this people are going to think I'm some kind of idiot!

There's a forest ranger in his cabin in the woods with some hideous looking chick that turned my stomach. He's having money trouble with the IRS, so when a Bible salesman knocks on the door they go walking in the woods to find a place to build a "nature room". While out there, they come across some dude who's covered in green slime. He tells them it came from the door next to the sick cat wearing a hat while laying in bed (*sigh*), they find the sick cat wearing a hat while laying in bed so the Bible salesman sings him a song and they are allowed to enter the door.   Once inside they find a large rat puppet who is making a cleaner that is highly toxic. The two morons escape by putting a blanket over their head (I'm not making this shit up!), then they fight some children, run from the slime and in the end get killed by God shooting lasers out of his fricken eyeballs.

It's rare that a movie can make your life worse, but watching this movie actually made me stupider. I'm turning lemons into lemonade though: I'm going to try and watch review better movies from now on out. I know I'll backslide and soon enough be watching shit again, but I have to watch a number of movies Ozu or Bergman or Bunuel or Ed Wood or somebody with talent to wash this vulture vomit taste out of my eyeballs.